Would I Date a Trans Guy? | Kat Blaque

Would I Date a Trans Guy? | Kat Blaque

This video was brought to you by the lovely
members of my Patreon! I have this intellectual thing where I say
to myself, you know, I would date a transgender man. I also know that I don’t know what that would
be like. [Music] hey guys, it’s Kat it’s time for another episode
of true tea. I wanted to thank you guys so much for joining
me yet again on this channel for true tea. I really appreciate those of you guys who
are here every single week and have decided to make true tea part of
your weekly routine. If you’re brand new to this channel, what
we’d like to do is learn, share and grow through education and conversation and that is what we’re doing here, the conversation
portion. We like to just have open conversations where
we are just sharing our feelings or experiences and all that jazz and hopefully we can sort of learn something
from each other. I know that I have a lot to learn and you know this is just sort of the space where
people who enjoy learning. Now, if you are a fan of true tea and you
like these videos, I would highly suggest that you support me on Patreon because I do
upload true tea videos way ahead of time. So if you’re interested in that sort of thing,
go to the description box and you know, see how you could support m! Supporting this channel really does mean an
absolute lot to me. Times are a little rough, it’s the summer. So I would appreciate, you know, any little
help that I can get. So yeah. Anyway, let’s jump into this video. But before we do, I would highly suggest as
I usually do to go to your kitchen and grab yourself some tea. Now personally I am drinking some youthberry
tea. If you can’t tell from the pink hue of um,
my drink and it is very, very warm in this apartment. So I’m probably going to be sipping this quite
a bit. I might even jump up and get some more tea. I don’t know. But y’all are just going to have to bear with
me because I’m melting. So let me take a big sip and then let’s get
into this video. So we’re going to have your conversation that
a lot of people have requested that I have. A lot of you guys have asked me to talk about
this. But to be honest, Ive been a little nervous
about discussing it. You know, I don’t want to sound ignorant. I don’t want to say things that are hurtful,
but true tea’s all about me being honest and real. And so I felt like I would be honest and real
about this subject and maybe accept the blow back if I get any! ‘ We’re going to be talking in this video about
why I have not dated a transgender man. So [laugh] I want to say that, um, I’m nervous
about having this conversation because there are so many parallels, right? To how people could talk about me. And I don’t want to say things that make people
dysphoric or make people upset. But again, this was a really requested video
and I felt like, you know, I needed to come and say how I felt. Um, so one of the reasons why I made this
video is because I’ve throughout this series, spoken a lot about men and a lot of times when I’ve discussed men
on it’s been cis men, right? I haven’t, um, I guess… I remember I got a comment that was like,
you don’t mention trans men. When you mentioned dating men, do you not think that trans men are men? And to be honest, I didn’t really understand
that particular reading of my conversations about men. You know, I am a very social woman who is
unfortunately quite tragically straight and I go out a lot and men talk to me and it,
you know, it is what it is. And most of those men are cis, right? It’s not like I’ve actively rejected trans
men. It’s not like I have on any of my dating profiles. Trans men don’t contact me. It’s just that I haven’t really had a lot
of experiences. Now I will be very, very forthcoming and honest
with you guys and say that. There was definitely a time in my life where
I did write trans men off completely and totally. But right now, um, I definitely have recognized
that I could date trans men. Now, one of the things that, um, I think is
so relevant in a lot of conversations we have about dating preferences is that I personally sort of believe that
a lot of people, a lot of people’s minds are opened up when they’re exposed to certain
things. You know, when I sort of had my opinion that
I would not date trans men, the sort of trans men that I met just happened to be trans men
that I wasn’t attracted to. But since then I’ve been exposed to several
trans men that I have found attractive and that’s helped me sort of put the pieces together
and understand that I would probably date a trans guy. I just haven’t met one yet that I would. Now there’s a parallel here because in my
own personal life I’ve definitely been a lot of men’s first transgender experience and that’s always been something that I… Well not always. There was definitely a time where when I was
younger and I was a guys’ first time experience, it was like a badge of honor, you know, like
it was something to be proud of. Now with time recognize that men are not worth
that amount of, you know, excitement. But for a while I really sort of felt like,
you know, um, if I was a guy’s first, it was this sort of big thing right? Now the problem that I, that I’ve kind of
experienced with being men’s first is that when you are someone’s first experience, there was always that risk that they may try
something and totally withdraw. They may actually be interested in you. They may actually be attracted to you, but when it comes to doing anything, you know,
they may shut down. And I’ve had several experiences like this. I’ve had several experiences where I’m talking
to a guy, he’s really, really interested in me. I’m really, really interested in him. He’s attracted to me. He either knows that I’m trans, um, or I tell
him that I’m trans and he’s like, cool, I’m okay with that. And then, you know, I… we get down to business and he freaks out,
just freaks out and can’t do it, right? Can’t do it. And as a trans person that’s been particularly
painful, I mean honestly I sort of have to go through
life right now sort of swallowing the fact that I’m going to have a lot of exchanges
and interactions with men who are very, very attracted to me but are
unwilling to pursue me because I’m not cisgender. I have several men in my life right now who,
um, you know, we get along, we like each other. There’s mutual attraction, but our relationship
can only go so deep because they can’t get over the trans thing. Now that doesn’t mean that they’re not nice
to me. That doesn’t mean that they’re not kind to
me. But it does mean that ultimately they are
not willing to be what I want. And that is sometimes really upsetting. It’s sometimes very upsetting for me to be
in a situation upon situation upon situation where I’m given this sort of like… I see what could happen, right? I see where we could go. And what I could do and what sort of relationship
I would have. And then my transness completely contradicts
it or completely cancels it out. You know, men would be willing to give me
the world. At least they said that they would, but then
they find out that I’m trans and it’s suddenly like, oh, well hmm. And that’s really, really, really painful
for me. So I’ll be honest and say that I’m definitely
attracted to trans men. I mean I, um, matched with this trans guy
on Okcupid the other day. I have my, my okcupid set to include transgender
men. Um, and he was really, really handsome, and I will say, and this is part of the problem
with this conversation, I think it is relevant.. And I know that this is something that’s probably
really hurtful to hear for some people, but the trans men that I tend to be attracted
to look like the CIS men that I tend to be attracted to. You know, I am very kind of attracted to the
kind of men that look like they could throw me across the room. Okay. They know. That sounds, um, you know, but I like what
I’d like, you know, I like what I like, you know, I like a good bearded, man, you know,
maybe a guy who’s a little thick, a little bit, you know, a little cuddly or whatever. I like a big sort of, you know, man. Um, and the kind of trans men that I have
found myself attracted to look like that. And I know that there’s, there’s a conversation
here about whether or not that is transphobic or cis-sexist or you know, all these other
things. But that’s how I feel. And one of the issues that I’ve had with having
this conversation and having other conversations is that I find that people often want to over
politicize some of these conversations about attraction. You know, um, a lot of times we have these
conversations and people say, Oh, you know, if you were really onboard with all this stuff,
none of these things would matter. I mean, we have a similar conversation, um,
when it comes to discussions of trans women. I remember when I did a video with my ex,
right? And it got re posted on all these LGBT sites. Right. A lot of people were upset because he was
willing to claim to openly claim a trans person, but a trans person who was passable or who
was read as cis, right. That’s who he was willing to claim and he
probably wouldn’t have had a similar relationship with someone who wasn’t that way. You know? And so the sort of frustration I get when
we have this conversation is, I don’t really… I understand the criticism of, you know, sometimes
when we express these things, it says that it makes it seem like the only people who
deserve relationships are the people who pass the only can call deserve relationships with
people who look, cis, I do get that. I also don’t really know where we could take
this conversation because to be honest, I’ve been in a lot of situations where, again,
men have made exceptions for me. They like cis women, they, they are, they’ve
all throughout their life, been exclusively interested, interested in cis women. They meet me and they’re attracted to me. They’re interested in me. They want to go and they wanted to pursue
something with me. But what ends up happening is it’s too much
of a square peg in a round hole. You know, they will go, they will in what
their mind might be put aside their usual preferences, put aside their general desires to pursue
something with me. Um, and often times because I’m not what they’re
used to because I’m not what they usually like or what they usually want. It doesn’t work out. And so my sort of thing with a lot of people
who do this like, well you shouldn’t, you know, we shouldn’t have these conversations
or people shouldn’t have certain preferences is I personally, cause I’ve been through it several times, think that it’s a lot more hurtful to date
somebody who sort of has these feelings about something. And had to put them aside only to have them ultimately be like, yeah,
I like what I like, you know? It’s not, that’s not a dynamic that I want
to be in. Right. And so I have this intellectual thing where
I say to myself, you know, I would date a transgender man. I also know that I don’t know what that would
be like and I’ll be real and say that sometimes my hesitation with pursuing transgender men
does come. From what I know, it feels like to be a person
who someone is attracted to physically, but they
just can’t do it. To me that’s so painful. That’s so hurtful. And I worry about putting trans men in a position
where maybe I am attracted to them. Maybe I do have an interest in them. Maybe we do really get along, but maybe, I
don’t know actually because I’ve never been in this situation. Maybe I just can’t do it. I don’t know. And that I not, I don’t know, sort of space
makes me feel really nervous because again, I don’t want to hurt someone in the way that
I’ve been hurt. Um, and so that’s been really the reason why
I haven’t dated a Trans Guy. Um, the guy that I matched with on, OKCupid
the other day. Um, he was very, very cute and, um, unfortunately
it was just visiting. I don’t, I mean, I do know…I was about to
complain about people who use dating apps while they travel. But then I remembered that when I was in London,
I went on like three dates with, with guys on Tinder. So I’m gonna hit, I’m a hypocrite. What else is new? He was just traveling, so, you know, he may
or may not be back in town, I don’t know. But that’s kind of a rare, uh, uh, a rare
situation. It’s very, very rare that I have even come
across, first of all, even come across a trans guy. I mean, even in all of the, all of the sort
of sex positive, you know, I’m gothy, body positive BDSM-y spaces that I exist in, , even in all these, these spaces. I think I’ve probably only ran into maybe
three trans men at tops, at least that I’ve known of. Probably three. I think three’s a good number. I’ve been out here for two years, you know,
I just don’t find that I, in that I’ve run into trans men very often, you know? Um, and I’m the sort of person where I do
like for things to be sort of organic. One of the reasons why…. You guys have… I’ve been caught now because I just revealed
that I had undeleted my Okcupid, which is….. Not…still not going well… I was going to say that I like to organically
meet people and the reason why I deleted my OKCupid pages, because I recognized that a lot of times when
you meet people from, you know, these dating sites, you’re not really meeting people who
could integrate into your life. You’re meeting people who often exist completely
outside of your own experience and completely outside of your world. And you’ve got to either bring them in or
you’ve got to come into their world. Right? And I just kinda got tired of that and decided
that I wanted to sort of try to date people who are actually in my world. Right? And so I’m not going to go out of my way to
find a trans guy to prove a point. You know? I would rather if I met a trans guy and we
connected and there’s mutual attraction, see where that goes. But I still don’t quite know where it could
go or where it would go. I don’t know. And I’m still afraid of sort of putting a
trans guy into that situation. So that’s what I had to say on that! So I’m very, very curious to hear what you
guys have to say about this. I would love to hear from Trans men if you’ve
been in similar situations I’ve been in where you date somebody who is attracted to you,
who just can’t do it. Cause I’ve heard that a lot with um, trans
women, but I have not heard that a lot with trans men. I’m very, very curious if you’ve been in that
situation. And I’m also curious to hear how you guys
think about what I said. Um, because honestly I don’t want it to sound ultimately problematic
because I would date trans men. I just haven’t met one that I would, you know, I’ve met several trans men. I think I meet the most transgender men when
I do my speaking, you know, because that’s just where people
go. But in general, I just don’t run into them. And so that’s a big reason why it hasn’t happened. Anyway, I would love to get your true tea. So please leave your true brew in the comment
box below. Right now. You’re looking at two videos if you want to
continue to sip tea with me. And, um, I hope that you do do that. And also, if you enjoyed this video you have
in the corner several ways that you can send me a tip if that’s what you want to do. And I would highly suggest that you support
me on Patreon again so that you can get content weeks in advance. I’ll see you guys next time. Bye.

100 thoughts on “Would I Date a Trans Guy? | Kat Blaque

  1. It's honestly hard for me to even date cis people, and I'm bi so that opens my options even more. But like I just don't have the spoons to explain to someone on a date that I'm trans and to answer a barrage of questions. I feel very lucky to be dating another trans women because she just already gets it.

  2. I'm a gay intersex person (nonbinary but masc presenting), my body is similar to that of a trans man who's been on T for years, and before I started dating and hooking up I was deeply worried and insecure that cis gay men wouldn't be into me. There have been few who have been like "sorry, that's just not my thing" and but to honest surprise most have been okay with or even outright into it, even surprising to themselves sometimes.

    It does make me wonder though. I introduce myself to them as being intersex and NOT trans, because often people don't know what intersex even is or if it's different from being trans. (trans intersex people exist but that's for another discussion.)

    I wonder if guys are more open to it because I'm NOT trans (well, don't think I am anyway.) because of the stigma against trans bodies, especially in the gay community. The thought makes me feel icky, like I could be benefiting from transphobia. Makes me wonder if I were a trans dude and not intersex if they'd still be interested., and if they wouldn't then they're not the kind of person I want to hook up with. But I'm pretty sure the guys who wouldn't be with a trans guy probably also wouldn't be into me. Who knows. I didn't explain this well.

  3. nothing against you, i just feel like im not surprised when female aligned ppl say that this is their type, it kind of feels like its everyone

  4. Okay before I even watch this video let me go out on a limb and say of course you would. Let's see if I'm right I'll get back to you

  5. cw: cissexism

    Yes, absolutely I've been on the receiving end of the "just can't do it" situation, but as a very passing gay trans guy who's hooking up with primarily cis guys. I don't usually get quite that far with it, though, and I would guess (may be wrong, though) that's because there's not so much societal "weight" to sleeping with me–if a gay guy has some subconscious cissexist idea about me not being a real X, he doesn't have the weight of homophobia crushing down on him as a deterrent to getting involved. Usually it's just that they think it's kind of weird and they don't like my genitals. Which is indeed painful, but I would never pressure anyone to go outside their comfort zone, and I'm fine pulling up a lot of fish and letting them go, lol.

    The weirdest situations I've had have been guys who hook up with me claiming to be mostly straight (which, 🙄, but if it's not a relationship I have much lower standards), realize afterwards that a) they definitely see me as male, and b) they definitely enjoyed it, and that c) they're probably a lot more male-attracted than they thought but needed to rely on cissexism of all things to combat their internalized bi/homophobia hangups. In a nutshell: "It doesn't really count as gay, right? right? Wait, that was actually really gay. Fuck."

    On the flipside, I'm actually quite willing to give first-timers a shot in the dating realm, because I've definitely met people who ended up being quite attracted to and supportive of me who just…had never really thought about it. If they learn something about themselves that's okay; at least I can handle it and they didn't start with someone who would get deeply hurt.

  6. I frequently date trans men and my two longest relationships, including my current one, have been with trans men. I have found that I'm often the first trans woman that trans dudes have been interested in, parallel to your experiences of being cis men's first. I think knowing that you wouldn't want to hurt someone by being theoretically into them and then ultimately unable to 'follow through' so to speak on your mutual attraction is more important than pushing yourself to seek trans dudes to prove a point to yourself or anyone else. I've been in that situation with trans men, and Ive got to say it hurts even worse when it comes from another trans person.

  7. I see other people have said this but just reaffirming that your conversation/feelings about trans men is completely fine and not offensive imo (as a trans man). The heart wants what the heart wants ♡

  8. What you said is very fair, I don't find it problematic at all, cuz I as a trans guy feel exactly the same. I'm mainly into men, and I have a type, which usually happens to not always align with what other trans men are like. I either don't expect cis straight men to be into me, just like I as a gay man usually don't find myself attracted to trans men.

  9. As a pan person (who has also not dated a trans person for disclosure) I don't totally understand people who are strictly attracted to any one gender. 🤷
    I would ask of you or anyone:
    What would you/one "not be able to do/handle?"
    Is it about sex? If so would you dump a committed partner if they were in an accident and couldn't have the same kind of sex as before?
    Also if you're is poly couldn't that mean you could find that outlet with someone else who has the anatomy you are more attracted to?
    If it's not about the sex, what else is it about this variety of person that isn't in that variety of person? What traits are you attracted to?
    I'm not saying people 'should' be attracted to anyone. I don't think attraction works that way and I don't think you can (always) logic yourself into liking some trait or some one or another, I think some of it is just who you are. But ultimately I still don't get it.

  10. My experiences analogous to yours were kind of the opposite, actually! I've been out and presenting as transmasc and gay for half a decade now, and only recently have I realized that I can get with gay men. For too long I only pursued bi/pan men, and the occasional straight guy. When a certain gay man approached me on Grindr as a potential play partner a few months ago, I kept feeling guilty for some reason, like that he'd discover that I wasn't "man enough" for him. Nope, turns out that he's very into my HRT-free, GRS-free self and that I'm just his type (cute and nerdy) like the other guys he plays with. While I try not to seek men's approval as my only form of gender affirmation, it's a good reminder that I can be a part of mutual attraction.

    It's not hurtful to hear that the cis and trans men that you're into look masculine and tough. So many people are attracted to masculinity and toughness, and like Hans said in the comments, that's a normal thing that you have a type regardless of cisness or transness. I know just as many straight women and gay men who's type is the sweet and pretty boys, regardless of cisness or transness. It's very kind and considerate of you to not want to put trans men in an uncomfortable position, too.

  11. Trans man here—I really appreciate your honesty on this topic as I find a lot of trans people can be overly insistent that to not be attracted to a trans person is a sure sign of transphobia. I find this to be an overly simplistic and unhelpful perspective. I share your opinion on this topic and I’ve been in one situation on a date with a dude who I thought knew I was trans but apparently didn’t and when I mentioned it he said he was open…but when it got down to it, he just couldn’t do it. It was a very uncomfortable situation for me.

  12. I think the thing is that if you’re a straight woman you can say you aren’t attracted to individual trans guys but it’s kinda shitty to write them off categorically. Obviously it’s comparing apples and oranges, but it reminds me of Grindr profiles that say, “no fats, no Asians.” Like I’m primarily attracted to other trans people, and while I don’t trust cis folks categorically, I would date individual cis folks.

  13. I'm a transfem pan person, and I can definitely see the issues here. I've had some experiences with trans guys, nonbinary people, transfem people, (no cis guys yet tho), and I can say that attraction and trans people is complicated, but I don't see your preference as exclusionary or harmful. If a trans guy was more effeminate or whatever it wouldn't bother me at all really, but I guess that's because I'm pan.

  14. Hey Kat, thanks for talking about this topic! Your openness is a breath of fresh air.
    Trans masc person here, and your thoughts/feelings are completely understandable. You have a good heart, and like what you like! You're not coming from a discriminatory place, and that's what matters.
    I'm going to go grab a fresh cup of tea now…

  15. Hey ! As a trans guy I do understand where you are coming from. Though not from a personal level. ///
    I've found people are attracted to what they value and are comfortable with. Respect is key to any relationship. If the intention to not hurt is there and it accidentally comes across as the opposite; most people will understand and not be offended. // Personally though; I've only been attracted to men who are more gentle and kind. Which happens to only be men who identify under the umbrella of gay. Though most importantly it's only been those men who also like me. — So for you to almost exclusively be attracted to perhaps larger straight (cis?) men is 100% reasonable and NOT transphobic. You can't help what you are comfortable with and who is comfortable with you. // When it comes to experience; whose to say you even HAVE to date a transman to "prove" you aren't transphobic. — It's about finding a mutual relationship that works best for you; where both parties love & accept each other. /// Thank you for a great video ! Peace !!! 🙂

  16. I really appreciate your perspective on this. I have personally not been explicitly rejected but I have a feeling that one guy I went on a date with ghosted me because he didn't read my profile very well before we went on a date. I make it quite prominent in my profile that I'm trans. I mentioned something about being trans on our date and he got this deer in the headlights look. I think he either didn't read my profile well or it just hadn't been real to him until that point. I think he may have had similar feelings to the men that you describe. He just couldn't get past the fact that I'm trans.

    I appreciate that you don't go after transmen to check some sort of box. It really does suck to be rejected because you're trans and I think there's nothing wrong with being cautious to spare people's feelings.

  17. Hey I'm also in the BDSM community, as a masc, hard-to-tame sub.. which makes it even harder to find a partner.
    Trans man here, never got told I'm not wanted for being trans, my problem is that women fall for me all the time when I'd only want to date men. (I'm pansexual, but homoromantic.) I'm masculine and have a strong fatherly energy, which women really love. I'm attracted to men who are even more masculine, which is hard for me to find. My sexual preference would heavily be a cis man, due to my insane attraction to cis dicks (judge me, I don't care), but if I found my dream man and he was trans, I would definitely give him a chance. Never been with a trans man so I don't know what's it like. As long as he can fulfill my needs in a relationship, we should be fine I believe.

  18. Kat, love your hair here! I'm just here to observe the video and comments- I have nothing to comment on the topic itself. Keep producing this interesting content!

  19. I suppose it depends on what you 'just can't do'. If you do come across someone in those feminist/body positive/sex positive/BDSM sorta spaces, it's super likely you'll naturally have a conversation about your specific sexual preferences and boundaries if things are gong that way. So do you mean, you topping a trans guy? Or giving him oral? Or like, what? Coz a lot of trans guys won't want to be topped or given oral anyway, and that's definitely something you'll wanna make clear before sex. With straight cis guys they tend to have more of an assumption that they will be the top and they will be dominant, so maybe it's easier to just 'go along' with that when you like that dynamic. But why would it necessarily be any different with a trans guy? You wouldn't just 'flip the script' and assume what the dynamic is gonna be like then assume you wouldn't like it. That's something you work out ahead of time, haha. Then if you chat with a trans guy who does want to be topped and you're like 'nah thanks' (lol), you're all good, it stops there. And if you're chatting to a trans guy who wants to do things another way that you do like you're good to go. I mean, can't make assumptions about people's preferences based on their genitals, that goes for cis people too, you still make sure you're on the same page, compatibility-wise.

  20. I have been attracted to very few men in my life, we are just attracted to who we are attracted to. I am a cis female.

  21. "It was trying to put a square peg into a round hole." One of you had some strangely-shaped anatomy. 😆

    Okay, what's shitty is when someone says, "Yes, I'm attracted to you, but I'm not willing to give it a shot because you're trans." You talked a few weeks ago about how it felt intentional when Miles was deadnamed and misgendered. I think it's the same issue here. Someone who says, "I would never date a trans man/woman," is doing the same thing, they're assuming that something about our transness necessarily makes us "less than" or "different than." THAT is bringing politics into dating. It's their automatic assumption that feels most dehumanizing. But I am not dehumanized by someone not being into me because, say, they like petite girls. It's not directly related to me being trans. So those are two separate issues.

    Not gonna lie, I'd love to ship you with a trans guy though. It would make my day. 😀

  22. I am woman and I would most likely date a trans woman (I'm a student and I've never met an out trans women so I don't know) but I would never date or not date someone because they are trans. I would date someone because they are my type and I like them. I don't think having a type is transphobic because that type is not "I only date cis women". I hope I'm not being insensitive, I am open to dating people but that doesn't mean I'll date everyone who identifies as a woman

  23. As a cis, you didn't mention a number of the crappy things my cishetnormative brain comes up with, and the stuff you did talk about was actually very interesting and somewhat unexpected. Guess this topic is not up to me to discuss any further, the comments should be a good read. Thanks for the video Kat!

  24. Totally unrelated and you may have already answered this in previous videos that i may not be aware of but id rather hear it from the horses mouth (no offense) but did you ever do the "Big Chop"?

  25. speaking as a (former) trans man, i think it’s actually good that you’re only attracted to trans men that look like the cis guys you’re attracted to. means you don’t really see them as a whole other type of man. i think this is a really great conversation to have. honestly i wish that while i was trans some people had hesitated with me. and then i had one guy who i slept with that was bisexual, so i thought he was cool, but then when asked if he ever slept with a guy he said no so 😒. i can’t say i personally understand the hesitation because i myself am bisexual so that whole situation doesn’t matter to me anyway, trans or cis, but on an objective level i get it.

  26. Someone not being your type and completely excluding trans people from your dating pool is different. I'm glad you came to a self discovering realization to that. Even though I don't believe not dating people is transphobic. It's kinda is a little passive non intentional

  27. As a trans man I didn't find anything offensive in your video! You just have a preference for masc dudes, there isn't anything wrong with that. Especially because you have similar preferences regarding trans men as you do cis men. I do hear where you're coming from. I usually date bi people do avoid the "oh i'd date you if you weren't trans" thing because it's happened quite a few times for me and it can hurt me a lot.

  28. HEY SINCE THIS TEA BROUGHT ALL THE TRANS BOYS TO THE YARD um any other chubby trans boys out there? How do you bind without hurting yourself? I’m always in pain by the end of the day

  29. "I'm unfortunately quite tragically straight." Obviously straight people have never had to deal with the persecution gay people have had to endure, but I don't think it's condusive to healthy discussion to refer to being straight as a negative thing… As something unfortunate or tragic.

  30. In my opinion nothing you said is problematic. What I am hearing you say is that you absolutely hold space for the possibility that you could date a trans man. I also hear you saying that you would never want to hurt someone deeply in the ways you've experienced before. I think you are coming from a very honest and aware space. This is the kind of conversation that I would love to hear more often. It makes sense that if you have a specific type then the odds of you organically meeting a trans man who meets all of these categories is slim.

  31. This was a whole word salad. Kat sounded like an eloquent fuck boy. Talking about some "I don't want to hurt trans men like I have been hurt as a trans woman." I am not buying it. She just wants to date cis men because it validates her femininity.

  32. a few minutes in and first things first you look so god damn cute, and your hair is really fucking cute!

  33. Hey Kat! I've been really helped by your videos for years and I think this is a great topic you brought up. Thanks for your honesty and insight, cus this is really real. I'm a trans man who's engaged to a trans woman, it was both our first time dating an opposite-gender trans person and honestly we both at first were nervous about compatibility and sex. The thing that made our relationship wonderful was communication, just complete honesty about how we feel about our bodies, each other's bodies, our dysphoria, everything. For any trans ppl or their cis partners, please talk about this! You have nothing to lose by getting down to brass tacks. Talk about sex, babiesssss 😃

  34. i feel like that's totally fair. you're trying to be realistic and honest about what you're into, and compassionate based on your experiences. also feel like it's telling that your type is the same for cis and trans men, and by that i mean it's clear that you do consider trans men to be men, though i didn't really expect any different.

    i'm not a man but as a transmasc nonbinary person dating, my biggest worry is running into cis folks who still, when it comes down to it, consider afab trans people to be women. sure, i don't want to be rejected by a gay man or a straight woman, but with my gender presentation being pretty middle-of-the-road i don't really expect (or particularly desire) attention from those people. for me the more distressing prospect is being treated like a woman by someone who is either only into women or who is only comfortable experiencing attraction to women, even if they are questioning or claim to be bisexual. i can more easily see myself being led on in that way.

  35. Damn… I have enough trouble getting dates as a cis straight person. I can only imagine how much it can suck at times to try to date as a part of the LGBTQ community. Drinks on me if anyone needs them!

  36. I would if I were single, or maybe even if my spouse and I both liked him and vice versa. Oh and if he were complete post op! It'd be a new experience of nothing else! The girl that used to love across the street from me was trans. After he became him, I told him that if he ever took an interest in boys, that I'd be down. He was and is only in to girls, but he was sweet enough to tell me that he thought that I was very beautiful, especially for a man, it just wasn't his thing! Fair enough!

  37. It seems like the best bet would be for trans people to pursue bi partners who are attracted to the wider range of anatomies. In theory, a transwoman who enjoys penetrating could be compatible with a transman who enjoys penetration, but in practice they would be unlikely to be turned on by each other's genitalia if they're both straight.

  38. So basically you have been with men who are Trans Chasers not men who are Trans Attracted

    See I rather date with someone that is attracted to me regardless of me being Transgender and understands that the Trans thing is just a small section of who I am as a person.

    There is more to me than just being Trans

    There's more to you than being Trans hunni, so if the men you are dating or wanting to persue date you but don't persue you because your Trans then nine times out of ten they are not for you
    Might be because they are scared of something they don't understand and lack of education laziness because they too damn lazy to actually learn about that part of you so is to try to get a better understanding of your Trans experience

  39. I'm a trans man and wow, this is really thought out. I never considered this aspect of relationships. There's nothing wrong with what you said, I think there's a lot right with it actually. I'd appreciate someone who I was interested in dating showing me this same level of compassion for that specific type of rejection. And I'd appreciate the level of thoughtfulness that you have here even if it ended up in a preemptive rejection. This is a really good video and now that I think about it, I have similar feelings towards trans women. Funny how even trans people lowkey don't know how trans people work lol.

  40. i'm a trans guy and tried to date a cis gay guy.. he ended up admitting he was only "testing me out" to see if he was attracted to women.. and when he realized he wasn't attracted to women, he broke things off with me :/

    but yeah i understand your reasoning behind your apprehension, kat. it's not problematic or anything. sometimes i wonder how my own dysphoria and preferences would interact with other bodies, including other trans bodies.

  41. I went out with a trans man recently and it was the best date I’ve ever had. It made me realize that I’m probably more pansexual then I’d like to admit. But I’m okay with that 💕

  42. I'm not into labels for myself but my partner is a lesbian. I asked her if I were a man would we be together and she said no. Then I asked her if I were a man, transitioned and got a sex change would we be together then and she said no.

    Attraction is deeper then gender presentation and identity. There's layers to conversation that I don't know if people are ready to have / admit.

  43. I like women who are domme types and am 1000% attracted to cis and trans women who present that way. am also super attracted to dom guys both cis and trans. if I ever had any doubt to my bisexuality lol

  44. honestly I feel like I went through a similar thing being a queer woman. I was afraid to go for women because I was afraid to make someone feel like they are my guinea pig. Its cus deep down I knew that I wouldn't wanna risk that type of rejection for myself. So I took me a lot longer to discover that side if myself. I think its completely valid to have these feelings and not do anything until you're 100% sure.

  45. ugh I've had a lot of those "cant do it" experiences with people. it's always so hurtful and I hate it. now I won't date people who arent bi+ or haven't been with trans AFAB before because I just cant handle that experience anymore.

  46. I'm a pre t pre everything trans man and the people I've been dating are usually straight women. I found out however, that they don't care that much and I am beating myself about it more than they care. Maybe i just met very accepting people that have no issue with my transness, but I've been around the block a bit so idk

  47. Just say, “yea I’d date trans men”. And then go on to say that you like big, hairy, masc men – separate from that topic. You can’t always tell if someone is trans. And therefore your preferences aren’t wrong or have anything to do with trans people. It just gets problematic when people feel like they have to try to politicize and justify not dating every trans man there is when obviously you wouldn’t date every cis dude. As if people feel like they’re under interrogation lights, it really comes off the wrong way.

  48. Honestly I find the politicization of personal attractions and preferences problematic. While fetishization is gross, NOT being attracted to group X or Y should not be judged or criticized.

    Sure, there is often a link between prejudice and preferences (friendship, sexual or romantical) but those are still personal preferences.

  49. I really appreciated your thoughtful take on this. As a trans man I too have been the "exception" in my case for straight cis girls and its almost always painful. I had a really bad experience with a girl before meeting my current partner who just so happens to be a trans woman. That was also a leap of faith as she had only dated girls before me and realized she was bisexual shortly before meeting me. I think I was also cautious before deciding to date a trans girl but I didn't want to overcomplicate it for myself. I think just setting out knowing the power you have to cause hurt is important and it definitely helped me be conscious of my actions.

  50. im a bi trans man and i hate to say it but i dont think i could date another trans man as much as it triggers my dysphoria to say it

  51. Im so afraid of locking up on any trans person or afab person cuz i even lock up with men who im used to being with. I really want to explore relationships with folks other than cis men but i dont want to inflict the pain you are talking about in this vid ×m×

  52. personally as a trans man i feel very similarly about the trans men I'M attracted to. they tend to align with the cis men im attracted to, although these men tend to be closer to androgynous than "traditionally masculine" (whatever that means.)

    i dont have much dating experience, especially since being very early into my HRT transition i dont yet feel comfortable putting myself out there, but i did have an experience when first dating my last ex that made me uncomfortable. i remember really early into the relationship he expressed apprehension around the idea of me potentially going on testosterone in the ambiguous future.

    This was a guy who knew little to nothing about trans people and transitioning and someone who hadnt been in a relationship with a man before. it really hurt me but i was able to tell him that if this is something he couldnt support that the relationship wouldnt work out, since transitioning was much more important to me than being in a relationship.

    he expressed that his fear was that T would change who i am as a person, and when i assured him that this wouldnt be the case he seemed to be more comfortable with the idea.

    needless to say this relationship didnt work out in the end, but i think that it will be the last time that i will walk a man through accepting my gender!

  53. Question. If I sit through your ads do you get more ad money? I think in the last video you said we should click on your ads. So just click on their link and you get credit? Also, I don't have anything like an online presense, but I could share your video with my friends and family, do you get credit if I just share through text message or do I need to share it to a FB page and then someone click to your video to watch? Thanks for any info you can provide. Also, I'm not a patreon member, but I know another channel I watch she talks about how she does multiple videos ONLY  for her patreon on people, and they are more casual type style- or just longer version of her youtube videos. I know you know this, but just wanted to say I support you.

  54. so you like transguys with a little chub and a beard, everyone has their preferences. there are plenty of ftm guys who only date cis gay guys cus they are all about the dick,so i really dont think you are doing anything wrong or uncouth in the slightest

  55. I’m a trans woman, and a number of the men I have ended up dating have been trans. I think it’s mostly because of certain shared experiences we have. There’s all sorts of things I feel a lot more comfortable talking about with trans men than I do with cis men or cis women and I really like that. Though I think there’s some trans men who have a lot of trouble understanding trans women’s experiences, as they have gained privilege through transitioning whereas trans women don’t so much. I’ve also sometimes met t men who think they get my experience bc they know what it’s like to be trans and what it’s like to be perceived as a woman, even though they don’t live the intersection of the two, and it’s rly frustrating the times that I have found trans men who feel they have authority over my experience.

  56. I have seen too many cute trans dudes to be stupid enough to say I wouldn't date one. And as with any guy, it's gotta be right on any number of different levels. For me it's not that deep but I understand it's not so simple for others.

  57. Screw you for having such a gorgeous brow shape. Zamn. And that hair. Aaaaaahhh I’m trying to listen but instead I’m just trying to figure out how to copy your style. Gosh you look gorgeous here. 😭

  58. I've dated women (trans and cis), men (cis), and nonbinary folk. I haven't dated trans men, just by happenstance. For that reason, I don't know what it would be like. That's how life works. At this point in my life, I'm tired of serious relationships with people who don't have skin in the game of dismantling the gender binary, so I jive well with my 2 nonbinary partners as a nonbinary person myself and I'm very happy. Will I date cis folks again in the future? Who knows!

  59. Gonna be honest, the whole "I'm usually attracted to trans men who look cis" thing hit just about every ounce of dysphoria in my body. I'm aware that people don't date me/avoid me because I'm not cis passing, and the people who hit on me only do so because they think I'm lesbian. I thought as a trans person yourself you might understand this, but it really feels like you don't, and that you don't understand exactly how hurtful your words have the potential to be, especially as someone with a large audience. I don't believe you are transphobic to transmascs, but lot of people who are might start using logic like this. It seems like you knew this would be hurtful to some people, so why would you post something that you knew would hurt people?

  60. Hey howdy, I'm a trans man and ive been on dates and hookups w ppl who like KNEW i was trans but then when we got to the bedroom they were like a deer in the headlights and it's very frustrating and hurtful like you said. I'd rather fuck someone who knows what i've got and is into it than someone who's going out on a limb because i'm "otherwise attractive".

    And also like, if someone hasn't had sex with trans men before there basically no insurance that they'll be a good sexual partner? Many trans mens' genitals work differently than cis mens' or cis womens' genitals and I'm not about to hand over the controls of my helicopter to someone who has only ever flown planes.

  61. I'm a genderfluid trans guy, and I know my dating story isn't like a lot of others in the comments, but I thought I would share it in case someone finds it interesting or helpful.
    I've only ever dated one person, a cis guy who read me as female and asked me out on that assumption. I've always been pretty out and proud, so it surprised me when I realized he thought I was a girl, even though I don't pass AT ALL. So I let him know on our first date, "hey, just so you know, I don't identify as female and if you're not okay with that it's okay, no hard feelings" and everything turned out okay.
    I think a lot of it has to do with us being the only person each other has ever dated? Neither of us really had any expectations going into the relationship so there wasn't any weird dissonance with him like being the "first trans guy" he's dated because I'm the first PERSON he's dated. In other words it's not really an issue for us because we've just always clicked as people, regardless of our genders.
    The point of this comment is, even though my story may not be relatable for many people reading this, that if you want to be in a successful relationship, not to give up hope. It IS possible, no matter what your gender is, whether or not you've medically transitioned or not, etc.

  62. It's funny that you raise the idea that it could be transphobic to like trans men who look like men. Duh. As a straight woman, of course you do. That's not transphobic at all. What's transphobic is even entertaining the question "Would I date a trans guy?".

    I am a bisexual woman, which means I am into both men and women. Of course these men and women can be either cis or trans. I would have to be a bigot to exclude people merely for being cis or trans. A completely separate question is one of the characteristics of the person. I of course realise that if a guy is trans, he is much more likely than a cis man to lack adequate height, masculinity, strength, or even a penis. If I reject him on one of these grounds, I would have rejected a cis guy lacking the very same thing. It depends on the individual. Similarly, if I don't like facial stubble on a woman, I'm going to reject a woman for that whether she's cis or trans.

    It's clearly bigoted to reject someone purely for having a gender transition in their past, but trans men and women don't get some right to demand that people drop their standards out of charity or politics. If a chick is a bit of a size queen and won't go with a guy who has less than 7", she's not going to say that 2" is fine if the guy has the excuse of being trans. There's no need to waffle or apologise about that.

    I got through 9½ minutes of this, and I can't believe that this essential point wasn't immediately covered.

  63. Brilliantly vulnerable video, Kat. Thanks for opening up and letting us see you tackle such a hard topic from a place of honesty.

  64. if I was a "nanoboy" would I be male enough for a cis gay man? what if I was Autochorissexual and autoandrophilic would I be man enough for a gay man?

    when you said you would be with a transman, you mean any kind of man? if not, then why not? you only date men who look like a man? that is not OK to be only attracted to men who look like men. you need learn to be attracted to men who can pass for cis women. otherwise you are a terrible person. after all, how we are raised and our culture is how we form attraction. that is how some people are attracted to cartoon humans or cartoon"furry" animals.

    unlearn your bias. maybe Riley J Dennis can teach you.

    I am sure there are twinkish non gay cis men for me. if i could get over the panic of sex.

  65. It is so simple..if a heterosexual guy wants to date..have a relationship and start a family. He seeks out his future partner wife. Then like normal people he ends up with wife 2 point 2 kids dog and 2 cars..go in any other direction and there is a world of hurt awaiting you. Why buy a pretend Ferrari when you can have the real deal

  66. Sex is a big factor in a relationship even if it isn’t everything. I like penis and would be more likely to be with an androgynous feminine penis owner than a trans man. On the extreme end is my sibling who finds penises traumatic and would never be able to be intimate with a trans woman pre op.

  67. I don't think having a type needs to be something publicly political. Attraction can be really personal, and inviting discourse into your sex life feels kinda invasive. Of course, everyone should examine their personal biases and see if those are effecting who they want to date. Sometime subconscious stuff sneaks in, but that can probably be handled on a personal level – something you talk to friends or a therapist about. "Not dating trans people" means rejecting people because their trans. It's very different then not dating an individual who happens to also be trans.

    On a personal level, I'm just not attracted to strangers. I mean, I'll like people aesthetically, but I don't think I'd want anything physical unless I was straight-up falling in love. So issues like "would you date a _ man?" are more "If you fell in love with someone who happened to be _ . . .?" In that case, yeah, it would be pretty obvious that I was rejecting them because of that trait.

    (if anyone's curious, and have seen the word before, I do kinda identify as demisexual)

  68. First off, I absolutely adore your hair and makeup in this video.

    And I don’t think you’re being transphobic or whatever for having a preference that includes all men. Everyone has preferences. Plus you’re self-aware enough to put those preferences under a microscope. You’re doing a lot better than most people.

    With that said, I’m a bisexual trans guy who’s never dated a cis woman nor any trans person, and I have no idea if I’d be attracted to them the same way I’m attracted to cis men. I have a preference for masculinity, so, in theory, I doubt I’d go for a feminine trans guy the same way I doubt I could go for a feminine cis woman. In practice? Who knows! I’m open to persuasion.

  69. I think the main thing is 'its okay to have preferences, but telling the person they aren't attractive because of being trans is both rude and incredibly hurtful' and i think the thoughtfulness you have of not wanting to put someone else in a simular situation means a lot

    Of course i dont really date, disclaimer! im an ace/aro trans guy and im pretty, not interested in anyone on that level

    Im pretty sure every trans person can understand, but you never have to tell them 'its because of the genitals' to their face where it hurts the most

  70. You definitely need to be forgiving of people who have difficulty with this, because the fact of the matter is that our libidos take a while to catch up to social norms. It's an unfortunate fact that gender is a powerful factor in our perceptions of people, and to the degree that there's truth to the fact that "gender is a social construct", there's truth to the fact that it will play a big part in what gives us a chub, however we might try to overcome that with our intellectual disapproval.

    I don't understand gender or how it works, but I can observe in myself a strong attraction to people of one gender that is nothing like the ways I might love someone of the other gender, and it would be ridiculous to judge others for their inability to force their hormones to react in ways they want them to react intellectually. There are "types" of people that I'm just not sexually attracted to, and I don't understand why that is. It might relate to something that could benefit from some psychotherapy, but even if it does relate to some experiences I've had, there's no reason to chastise myself for the fact that our backgrounds do have an effect these unconscious urges.

    To overcome these biases, it's often a matter of exposure, and trans people have the unfortunate burden of having to understand that most people don't benefit from many opportunities to get to know trans people. So it's not fair, but since trans people are not only a minority but often entirely invisible until the moment that they choose to reveal their background, the vast majority of cis people simply won't get much of a chance to really get to know trans people. I volunteer in an organization that serves the LGBTQ population, in a "liberal" city, and — swear to god — I can't personally remember meeting more than 2 trans men. I've seen more, and I'm sure I've met more than 2 that I just didn't know were trans, but my point is that if that's how small a minority we're talking about, then exposure is tricky!

    I had a friend mention to me how pissed he was at himself for the fact that he has a strong sexual attraction to people of a specific racial makeup, and that he couldn't understand it or justify it, and felt this intense guilt for harboring what he described as a "bigoted dick". I think there are things we can learn from our animal brains, and maybe interrogate, to some degree, the factors that make it up, but guilt is wasted on this, in my humble opinion. If exposure is a factor, then fine: maybe find a way to spend more time with those your dick doesn't respond to, and you might flatten out that wrinkle in your sexual makeup. But life is short, and there are plenty of people out there that I find attractive. Your libido will catch up to your brain, eventually, if the convictions you hold in your head are sincere. In the mean time, don't beat yourself up.

  71. I'm a trans man and I don't really date very much, but when I do I generally prefer to date bi people (I'm bi myself) in part to avoid this issue, to know I'm going to be with people who are attracted to all of me – in particular people who are into my junk rather than seeing it's presence as something they have to "get over"

  72. Hey Kat,

    I’m a trans man, who generally runs in DIY/industrial/alternative circles. Like you, even though I am “passable”, I’ve had many experiences with rejection due to folks being ultimately unable to engage with me romantically or physically, because I am transgender.

    I haven’t been with, or dated a woman since before I transitioned… which is a bit funny, considering I had largely only dated cis women before then. If I’m to be honest, my experience is that cis men seem more accepting of trans men in their lives and their beds, than cis women or even trans women. Cis women usually don’t approach me at all!

    Truthfully, when I was younger it was hurtful and isolating to know that the state of my body was the deciding factor in those situations. However, it doesn’t really bother me as much now.

    I’ve had attractions to all types of gender-variant and binary people, personally. But I also think that fundamentally it’s not a big deal to have a “type” of trans guy that you’re into.


    – Beau

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