Thank you so much.
It means a lot. You guys are the positive audience.
Okay? There’s a positive audience that
comes out and supports live comedy. It’s great.
You could’ve done anything. You could’ve watched Netflix
or whatever. Fought traffic. Came late, also.
But, it’s okay. You came. It’s nice. There’s always a negative
to this, right? You guys are supporting comedy, there’s a
negative audience which hates comedy, dude. Like they hate it.
Not dislike. They hate jokes, okay? They will be sitting at home and they see
a joke on YouTube and they’ll be like… And they get up and their wife is like,
“What happened? – I’m angry. Where’re you going?
– I’m going to the police station. Why?
-To file an FIR. Are you insane?
– Yes. And they go. They wear
their slippers and all… And they go to the police station.
Cop! Cop is like, “What?” I want to file an FIR.
– Of course. I’ll do this. I’ll file an FIR for a joke.
Other important shit, I won’t do. Yeah. Come. Even the pen is angry. The pen is also… I’ve lost my phone five times
and I didn’t file an FIR ‘coz I’m lazy. Okay? But, these guys don’t like a joke.. and they file an FIR. It’s amazing. I’ve lot of respect for that. Because angry and delusional people
are so productive, dude. They’re so productive.
It’s not fair. All the smart people are like…
But, I’ve to click this for the rainforests. If I click this, the rainforest will
get saved? But, I don’t want to click. ‘Coz I want to click on suggested videos.
Anyway… So, there’s that audience.
There’s negative audience. You guys are the positive audience. There’s one that’s worse, third category. Which is, the audience that gives feedback. Holy shit. I would take an FIR over feedback.
Any day. I’m kidding.
I don’t want both. Okay? Every time I upload a video on YouTube I upload it and you get
the usual comments. Right? You get the… haha, very funny…
LOL… haha… Relatable af. One guy’s like, “You’re only getting fans
‘coz you’re cute, buddy.” I’m like, “Yeah. I know. I know.” I know. All these comments…
Thanks. All these comments… great… expected…
but there’s this one guy who’ll always like… “I love the jokes
and observations. They’re very clever.” Ha ha ha. But, the real question
I want to ask is, “Are you aware of the massive
following you have?” Young people look up to you. So, my question to you,
Kenneth Sebastian is… when are you going to talk about issues? The real issues. Socio political issues. Religious issues. Political issues. Shh… shh… shh… shh… shh… Shh… shh… issues? Space… shh… shh… enter. Okay? So… then I realise that people don’t realise
that I’m self aware, okay? I know why I do jokes
about restaurants and tea. Okay? It’s not by accident. It’s not like I get up in the morning…
Hey, filter coffee is weird… this… That’s not why I write… Because whenever
I’ve done jokes about tea I make jokes about biscuits.
You’ve seen my videos. I do… jokes on biscuits…
Yes… Ah, see all the love I’m getting.
This is lovely. I’ve never done a joke on biscuits and
suddenly I can hear a knock on my door. And suddenly a Parle G biscuit is like,
“What did you say, you dog?” That’s never happened. ‘Coz biscuits are non violent. I’ve never seen brutality of two like… Parle G brutally murdered by Bourbon. It’s… It’s never happened. Okay? That’s why I do jokes on simple stuff
that won’t get me in trouble. People ask me, “Why don’t you
do jokes on religion?” Really? ‘Coz I’m not insane. Yeah. ‘Coz we’re not ready
for jokes on religion. I’m sorry, guys. I know you guys think
you’re damn cool and open and all. But, no, buddy. You’re not.
You’re not ready. Yeah, maybe 60 years from now…
When I’m old and I’m in one like open mic and I’ll be like you, “You know, one day,
Jesus walks into a bar.” See, all of you have become quiet.
Okay? All of you…
It’s a hypothetical situation. And all of you become… Half of you
are not even Christians. But, you’re like…
I should be quiet. And it’s a stupid joke.
Jesus doesn’t walk into a bar. He can turn water into wine. He doesn’t have to… what…
anyway… So, you guys are not ready, okay? So, religion is out. Why don’t I do jokes on politics? Because our government is super chill. Yay! Yay! Yay! Super chill, our government is. Our government is so bipolar,
it’s not even funny. If I dated someone like the government,
I would break up on the first day. Our government is insane, okay? Like rapes are happening…
People are getting murdered and shit. Journalists are getting shot in the head. The government is like… Suddenly Padmavati releases somewhere. It’s like… What the… Oh oh. The government is a film buff. Okay. That’s the problem. Why I don’t do jokes on politics is
‘coz I am scared. That’s why. That’s why. It’s not like I can’t get
punchlines on political jokes. It’s because I don’t want to get
punched on my face. That’s why. Okay? And you’re like, “Kenny, you’re scared?
Really, bro?” You’re scared? You’re protected.
You’re in Mumbai. You’re the one per cent, you know. Privileged class.
How can you be scared? No, I feel scared. It’s sad. When you’re in a democracy
and you feel scared. It’s sad, you know. You don’t believe me, right? Okay. Go to a movie theatre
and don’t stand for the National Anthem. Oh… shit got real! When you stand up and that fear…
the goosebumps come, that’s called fear, buddy. Forget that. That’s too ballsy. Just think about not standing
for the National Anthem. And from the popcorn, one rifle
will come out like this. Sorry… Opposition Party. Hello. That’s called fear. Okay? So, I feel scared. Okay? And that’s another problem.
I told you, right? People who are very angry and corrupt
have the best employees. They’re so productive. Politicians are so productive, dude. They love… like people who work
for politicians are so awesome. They love their job. How many people love their job here?
Not many. All goons love their job. Goons love their job. They’re like,
“Sir, who do we have to kill?” “Who do we have to kill, sir?” They’re just… Their hand itches. Goons are damn productive, dude. Like… bank employees hate their job. Okay. There’s no bank employee who’s like…
today ten home loans, bro. Bank employees are the only people
who hate you for coming into the bank. I don’t understand.
I don’t… Dude, I don’t want to be…
Nobody wants to be there. You enter a bank, like, “Excu…
– They’re like, “What do you want?” Like they… they test you. If you’re in the right place. The bank employee is like, “Are you sure
you have a bank account here? You’re sure?” You’re sure? This is the home branch.
You’re sure? If it’s not the home branch,
I will freaking slap you. What is this? Why do you…? That’s why I like ATMs.
They’e sweet. Bank employees hate their job.
Goons love their jobs. And rightfully so, okay? Goons are super nice and productive.
They’re over productive, actually. Like sometimes, they’ll do more than
what’s required. Like, “Boss, we didn’t know who to kill.
We killed the whole family.” Sir, on the way there was a bus.
The bus didn’t let us overtake. We burned the bus also, sir. Sir, practice. We had to practice. And goons are so health conscious. All goons are fit. And they’re buff!
They’re huge. Chest and biceps.
Chest and biceps. Chest and Biceps. And I don’t know why they wear
such tight t-shirts. I don’t know… All goons will go to the store.
“I’ll have that shirt.” Like, “Sir, what’s your size? 45?”
– No, no, no. 12. Tight t-shirts. They want their shirt
to be scared of them. Yeah. yeah. Remember who owns you. Like their bicep is craving for help. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. They’re damn productive, dude… Goons. I like them.
And also, they’re happy. They’re happy employees. Because they get paid on time. Yeah. Goons get paid on the same day. You know… any freelancers here? Yeah. See you laughed.
You know what I’m going to say. There are freelancers who haven’t been
paid since a year and they’re still chasing. Hello, sir. Please give, sir. Sir, please.
I did wedding photography for you. Baby has also come out, sir. Please. They don’t give…
They don’t pay on time. Goons on the same day…
You give the dead body, you get the cash. On the same day, buddy. Throw the body like that. Throw the body like that.
At the same time, you’ll get cash. And they play catch, dude.
With the cash. They’ll open the bag and like, “Hey.” Chintu,
– Yes, sir. This is for you.
– Oh sir, thank you. Hey, isn’t it your sister’s wedding?
– Yes, sir. How do you know? Hey, I care about my employees. Here another…
– 2 lakhs, sir. What? They play catch.
It’s a big “fuck you” to teachers. Teachers don’t get paid enough. They don’t get paid enough at all
in any part of our country. Teachers, when they go to the principal,
they’re like, “Can we get some benefits?” Students hate us. You hate us.
Parents hate us. Can we get some benefits? Principal says, “Yeah.” Two months summer holiday,
you also get. How sad is that. Goons are damn nice.
There’s no goon who’s ever raised an invoice. Yeah. There’s no goon like, “Sir, can I
get your email ID. I’ve been asking since that time.” October was village burning.
November was city burning. December was country burning. So can I please maintain
a record of my corruption. It’s organised crime, sir.
For a reason. It’s nice. That’s when I realised that
I’m performing for the wrong audience. You guys are nice and all. Okay. But, the thing is, you guys
ask for jokes and all. But, when I go jail,
none of you fuckers will come. It’s okay. It’s okay. Keep asking. Do jokes on Modi. Fuck you. When I go to jail, you be like,
“Anyway he’s not that funny. Leave it” If you come to jail with me,
nicely we’ll do jokes. It’s the worst part. That comedian is in jail. The joke was not that funny also.
I don’t see the… Really, dude. He’s in jail. For a joke. That’s when I realised…
wrong audience! I want to be number one
goon comedian. Number one. Okay? Because if… Imagine this entire
auditorium is filled with goons, okay? Full chest everywhere.
There’s chest… Like if I do a stage dive,
I’ll bounce back. Chest. When they fart,
protein smells comes out. Yeah. So much protein they have. It’s the best.
And I’ll do goon jokes. Like, goon relatable jokes only. I’ll be like, “Don’t you hate it when
you put chloroform and they get up half way
when you’re beating them up?” Damn embarrassing, dude. Bro, if they don’t stand up
for the National Anthem, we’ll break their legs. Bro, if you break their legs, how will they
stand up for the National Anthem? Goon comedy. So, yes. So, in closing, that’s why I don’t
do jokes on politics. Because I like my family. I don’t want them to burn them. I don’t want them to be crispy. Medium rare is fine.