The latest person
to testify against Trump is Colonel Alexander Vindman,
which means two things. One– there is more
and more evidence piling up against the president, and two– Trump has finally met
a colonel he doesn’t like. And you can see why Vindman’s
testimony is not good for Trump. Not only did he sound the alarm about what was happening
with Ukraine, but the guy is a decorated Iraq
War veteran with a Purple Heart. The only American
with more impressive résumés is Aunt Becky’s daughter,
you know? Yeah. No, ’cause she did all that and
was captain of the crew team. She was killing it, yo. So if you’re a Trump defender, how are you going to argue
that this guy isn’t trustworthy? Well, instead of focusing on the more than two decades
he served America, you can focus
on where he’s really from. He, uh,
is from the Soviet Union. He emigrated here, uh, and has an affinity
toward the Ukrainian people. Here we have a U.S.
national security official who is advising Ukraine while working
inside the White House, apparently, against
the president’s interest. Isn’t that kind of an
interesting angle on this story? Uh, I find that astounding,
and, you know, some people might call that
espionage. No, your eyes
aren’t deceiving you. The new angle on Fox is that America can’t trust
this Purple Heart recipient because he moved here
from Ukraine. Now, mind you, uh,
he was three years old -when he came to the U.S.
-(laughter) So, he didn’t move here. He was moved here
by his parents, right? ‘Cause now
they’re making it seem like he was, like,
a double agent for Ukraine. Like, what kind of baby spy
thriller were you guys watching? Huh? This little toddler was
just out in these streets wrecking shit?
Is that what you think? -(applause, cheering)
-He’s, like, a three-year-old little Russian spy? You think his plan in Russia
and, like, all in Ukraine, he was like, “I will join
U.S. military, earn trust, “and then, when time is right,
I will make up story about quid pro quo
for Mother Russia”? “Excellent, Comrade Baby! “And when your mission
is complete, you can watch extra episode
of Peppa Pig.” (laughter) And it’s not just Fox. It’s not just Fox
discrediting Colonel Vindman. No. Sean Duffy, a former
Republican Congressman, was on CNN questioning where
the colonel’s loyalties lie. He is a former Ukrainian.
He wants to make sure the taxpayer money goes
to military aid to the Ukraine. -He is entitled to that
position. -I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Why does it matter
where he was born? I’m sorry, Congressman Duffy.
Why does it matter -where he was born? -I’m going
to explain that to you. ‘Cause that came up
on Fox News. He’s an active duty
military member, uh, an American who was awarded
the Purple Heart. He-he… But you know what?
I’m of… I’m of Irish descent. Um, I still love the Irish. Um, and he has an affinity
probably for his homeland. Okay, I-I feel like that was
just an epic self-own. Because in an effort
to undermine Colonel Vindman, Sean Duffy over here
has just made it sound like he would sell out America
to another country. That’s what he basically did. He’s like, “Oh, I-I…” He’s like “Look,
I have an affinity for Ireland, “and if you get one potato
in me, there’s no telling
what I’ll do!” To help us make sense
of this new twist in the Ukraine impeachment saga,
we turn now to someone who’s live at the White House– our very own
Roy Wood, Jr., everybody. (applause and cheering) -Roy?
-What’s up, brother? Vindman is
a decorated war hero. -Mm-hmm.
-And yet Trump’s defenders are not just challenging
his credibility, but they’re questioning
his patriotism. What does this all mean? It means these people are right. Dude is straight out
the Soviet Union. Look, man, I have seen
all the James Bonds, all the Jason Bourne movies
several times in theaters by myself. -Eastern Europe is full
of spies! -Yeah. No, no, but Roy,
he-he was brought to America when he was three. So what, man? They can
activate you at any time. (laughter) I was programmed,
and didn’t even know it until one day,
I went to Popeyes and heard my activation phrase– “Sorry, we’re out of spicy.” Man, I blacked out
and woke up… (laughter) I woke up four hours later covered in bruises
and buffalo sauce. -It’s crazy. -Okay, look,
I-I don’t agree, but whatever. -You don’t trust a guy
who was born in Ukraine. -Uh-uh. But he’s just one
of many officials testifying that Trump’s call was improper. Like, uh, Bill Taylor. He’s a Vietnam vet
and a career diplomat who has served
over four administrations. You’re gonna trust Bill Taylor? Never trust anyone
with two first names. (laughter) I went to school with a dude
named “Bobby Keith,” and he was shady as hell. You know what he did? -He bought drugs from me.
-Wait. (laughter) Wait. Wait. You sold drugs? That’s not what
we’re talking about right now. The point is, can a two-first-name snitch
like Bill Taylor be trusted, especially knowing he might
let me sell him drugs? Okay. All right,
okay, okay, fine, fine. -Well, but then,
what about John Bolton? -Mm. Trump picked him to be
his national security advisor, and even he thinks
this whole thing is shady. John Bolton.
I got two words for that. (scoffs)
Ha! (laughing) Are you gonna trust a man who won’t even let us see
his upper lip? (laughter) What’s he hiding under there? Show us the lip, Bolton. Do we even know
there’s a lip there? If you can’t see the lip,
you must acquit. Everybody know that. -Everybody knows that.
-Okay, Okay, Roy, why…? Why do you have a signed picture
of John Bolton? Oh, I met him on the street.
He signed it for me. He’s a sweet dude,
but I don’t trust his ass. Okay, you know what?
Roy, like, we actually don’t even need witnesses
when you think about it. We have the transcript
of the Ukraine call itself. I know what it says because
I’ve read it with my own eyes. Your eyes?
I don’t trust your African eyes. (laughter) Your eyes are only good
for spotting two things– apartheid and lying. So, no, I’m not going
to trust your immigrant eyes over the word
of President Donald Trump. Okay, but Trump himself said
he wants dirt on Joe Biden. You can’t trust Donald Trump! Guy lies all the time! Don’t you ever watch
The Daily Show? Oh. Okay, so at least
you trust this show? No, you can’t trust this show. The host has two first names and one of his correspondents
sold drugs. (cheers and applause) What do you mean? (cheering and applause continue) So we shouldn’t trust
Colonel Vindman nor Bill Taylor, John Bolton,
Trump or ourselves. If there’s no truth to anything
and all of this is pointless, then why did you insist that we
fly you all the way to D.C.? Oh, I come here ’cause this
is the only Popeyes I’m not banned from. Well, good luck. I hope
they’re not out of spicy. Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.