The unsexy truth, the hookup culture | Lisa Bunnage | TEDxSFU

The unsexy truth, the hookup culture | Lisa Bunnage | TEDxSFU

Translator: Peter van de Ven
Reviewer: Denise RQ As a parenting coach, I get to talk
to a lot of troubled teenagers. About six years ago,
I had a really interesting conversation with a 16-year-old girl,
who was on the phone – this is me with the phone by the way – and it was a coaching session;
it was on a Monday. I said, “Hi sweetie, how are you doing?” And she says, “I’m doing OK.” I said, “That’s good,
how was your weekend?” She said, “It was OK.
I partied and the usual. I drank a bit, and I met a new guy.” “Oh! What’s he like?” “He’s OK. I didn’t really like him
that much, so I wouldn’t let him kiss me.” “Good for you. I’m really proud of you!” “So, I just gave him a blow job instead.” (Laughter) True story, true story. I always say that I could never be shocked
because I’ve heard everything, but that was the first time
I’ve ever heard anything quite like that. I was really glad it wasn’t Skype
and that she didn’t see my reaction … (Laughter) It’s really good when you work from home:
you don’t care what you look like, so … I don’t like it when a client says,
“Can we do a video Skype?” Oh, geez, anyway … (Laughter) This young girl was right at the start
of the hookup culture. It progressed, it got worse and worse,
and shortly after I talked to her — I thought, maybe she was just a one-off — but shortly after talking to her,
I talked to a 14-year-old boy. He said he was at a party,
and they were drinking, and there were all these kids there, and he had shared
his drink with this girl. He said, “And afterwards,
she wouldn’t give me a blow job!” So, I had experience with this now, so I said, “Oh, what a bitch!” (Laughter) I admit, OK, that’s not what I said … (Laughter) Then I thought, how did we get here?
Like, what is going on? Am I that old that everyone else
knows what’s going on, and it’s just me? But no, of course not. So I thought, let’s go back in time
to when I was a little girl. This is not me. (Laughter) And I figure she probably wasn’t getting
much action even back then. That was the style. Back in the 60s,
it was all about parenting, and this is where the changes
really started to happen. In the 60s, moms generally didn’t work. That was the norm: all moms were home,
and every house had a mom in it; she had an apron, she was baking,
she was gardening, all that stereotype. She always had curlers in her hair, too. Does anyone else remember that? They never seemed to go anywhere,
but had curlers in, all day long. They’d be gardening with their curlers, but the thing is us kids were watched. Every parent knew
every kid in the neighborhood, and they thought nothing
on tattling on us. They’d phone up, “Dorothy, do you know
what your little girl’s doing?”, and we’d get a whack
on the butt with a rolling pin. We were looked after, we were watched,
and the schools were disciplining us, too. We get a ruler on the hand,
or a belt on the butt. I’m not saying it’s good,
but it was something. So, kids respected adults
as a result of this. Let’s go to the 70s now. It’s interesting, the reason
I chose these pictures is we all thought
we looked like the one on the left, in reality, we looked like
the one on the right. (Laughter) We tried, we really tried.
This was my teenage decade. In the 70s, there was a big shift. A lot of moms started going back to work. With that, when she did get home
after work, she was more tired, right? She’d been at work all day;
she didn’t have the energy for the kids. The term latchkey kids started coming in. So, kids were coming home with the key. They were letting themselves in,
eating Twinkies, sitting on the couch, watching “I Dream of Jeannie” or whatever;
The Brady Bunch probably. So, kids were on their own more. As a result of this,
they started losing respect for adults because they were alone more. They started looking to their peers
a little bit more for guidance, which we all know how that goes. Also, schools were losing
a lot of their power; they could no longer discipline children. But it just got worse. (Laughter) Well, not necessarily that,
but in the 80s, pretty much the norm was: all moms went back to work. Because of this, kids were getting more wild
and less respectful of adults. The school’s hands
were tied at this point. There was all this new wave
of parenting books coming out, about being friends with your kids and “Oh, don’t say no to your children,
that hurts their self-esteem.” Could you imagine,
like my parents saying that, “Oh, I don’t want to say no,
do whatever you want,” it just started to really shift. “You’re a good girl, even though you
just kicked the cat across the room.” (Laughter) It is ridiculous,
but this became the norm. So, be friends with your kids. The schools, of course,
are losing more and more power. Not only that, they are being asked
to do more parenting. So, they had to start teaching kids about nutrition, about manners,
even hygiene and sex. I thought that was appropriate,
the hair gel she used, but … (Laughter) I loved that movie. The 90s are more of the 80s, but the big thing that really started
to come in was computers. But back then,
they were big clunky things. Usually, they were in a communal area
where everyone could use them, and a lot of the gaming consoles came in. So, what was happening here? Parenting is going really downhill; they’re not providing
their children with leadership. Then the computers
are starting to take over. If you don’t provide
your children with leadership, of course will turn somewhere else. They were going
towards all these gaming things, the games that were
on there were violent, so it just started from there. You know, you look
at a 12-year-old girl these days, and that’s pretty much
what she looks like. It’s like you can’t even … I feel sorry for men
who are looking at women. I saw a guy the other day,
checking out this girl, and I said to him, “You know,
she’s about 13 years old,” and he went, “No way! She’s like 25.” I said, “No, she’s like 13,
I just saw her in school the other day.” (Laughter) So, he’s like running,
you know, after that. (Laughter) But the big difference with this:
now we’ve got the Internet. I remember when my kids were younger, I used to go to these school meetings
at night, where they’d say, “Here’s how you block your kids from seeing all this horrible stuff
on the Internet.” I was at the back, laughing. I thought, were we ever going to be able to outsmart young people
when it came to technology? Like, what are we thinking? I was the only one
that wasn’t going, “Oh, yes.” I was at the back,
like, “This is useless.” They’re always going to be smarter than us
because to them, it isn’t technology. It’s just like buttering toast.
It’s everyday to them. But the big change
was about six years ago, when I talked to this girl, it coincided. It came with the smartphones. All of a sudden,
they had mobile technology. They were on the Internet for everything. That’s where they went; because they weren’t going
to their parents. So, where are they going to go? Not to the schools, they didn’t trust adults,
they didn’t respect us. Oh, sorry about that silly slide,
I don’t know what I was thinking. It was late when I did that.
What am I, like grade four? Anyway, what do
all these decades have in common – every single one of them,
and probably before that, too? It’s none of the parents were really
talking to their kids about sex. None of them were. You’d get the odd family
who would do that, but overall, it just wasn’t
discussed in families. I used to say to families,
when my kids were growing up, how do you talk to your kids about sex? “Oh, I don’t do that. It’s just awkward.
They go to school and learn that. Oh, it’s just so awkward.” So, they don’t seem to do that. Because I am a parenting coach,
I talk to a lot of families: none of them were talking
to their kids about sex. They say, “Oh no, they had a guy talking
about sex at their school the other day.” If they miss that day,
they’re going to miss that talk, and they’ve only got so much information
they can pack into two hours. They do a very good job,
I’m not putting them down, but they always have that–
we all know what that is. They have a banana that they’re showing, and they put a condom on the banana. Then everyone laughs, and it gets awkward,
and there’s a lot of stuff that’s missed. Where are they going
for information on sex? They’re not talking to their parents, the sex speakers that come
into schools are giving the minimal; of course, they’re going to pornography. Every single parent that I’ve talked to
of a teenager, all say, “Are they looking at porn?” Every single parent says,
“I don’t think so. No, I don’t think so.” (Laughter) Unfortunately, when I’m talking
to their kids, it’s all confidential. So, I can’t tell them, but … Here again, I’m glad it’s not on video
because I’m going (laughs muffled) They told me that’s all they do:
they’re up all night watching porn. This is what they’re doing. The interesting thing
that’s happening though is that younger and younger
children are doing this because their older siblings
are doing this, watching porn. It’s mobile. An older sibling will put down
a phone and not have it locked, and there will be
some porn thing on there, an eight-year-old will come along
and go, “Whew! What’s this?” And then they don’t have anyone to talk to
because they know that’s “bad”. They can’t talk to Mom and Dad
because no one does that, right? So, they really are learning
from pornography. How do I know they’re watching porn? They tell me all the time. I’ll even ask eight-year-olds. I say, “What do you look at
on the Internet?” Sometimes they’ll tell me they’ve been
watching, they call it “sexy stuff”. (Laughter) I don’t think it’s sexy. OK, so they tell me they’re watching porn. What’s interesting about this
is when younger children see it, they haven’t got a clue
what they’re looking at. They think – and this is true –
they think that’s what Mommy and Daddy do. They think that that’s exactly
what Mommy and Daddy are doing; so there could be threesomes or orgies. They’ve got this in their head
that that is what’s happening. (Laughter) You know where I’m going with this, right? I would say, the age group that is bald
are probably anywhere from — it changes all the time. I’m trying to keep up with all this stuff, but they really give me
a run for my money, here – they are about 13 to17, 18, 19. They’re pretty much all bold. Not necessarily sexually active.
I’ll tell you a funny story. It’s not a funny story,
it’s actually quite sad, but there’s a little bit of humor in it. (Laughter) These parents hired me, and they said,
“Our poor boy is like suicidal.” You know, I specialize in crisis. So, I said, “OK, I need to talk to him. Give me his Facebook page;
I’ll organize a session with him.” I’m talking to him, and I said,
“What happened, sweetie, what’s going on?” He says, “I’m getting bullied at school,” and I said, “Oh, that’s terrible! Tell me what’s going on;
take me through a day.” He said that it all started when he started in this new private
boys’ school, very nice area, and they were in the locker room
or the change room, and they were getting changed,
and everyone was bald except him. All the boys were bald. They pointed at him and laughed, and the poor kid was labeled
as “Hairy-something.” – I can’t remember
what the second thing was – but this poor kid was ostracized
and bullied because he wasn’t shaving. Did we know this? I had no idea the stuff was going on. That is a direct result of pornography. Where else do they get that idea from? Not the sex talker at school.
Not Mom and Dad. That’s pornography. OK, this is where it gets
a little bit awkward for me because I’m a little bit
uncomfortable sharing this stuff. This is the least of the>… an example of the least disgusting
party game that is very common, and it’s called “rainbow parties”,
I’m sure you maybe heard of this. I looked it up on Wikipedia the other day,
and it said it’s an urban legend. It’s not. Kids are doing this. The girls will go to a party – there’s, of course,
drugs and alcohol involved – they’ll either do their lips that way or they will layer them
in different colors. Then they drag their mouth
down the guy’s penis, leaving a rainbow behind. If they don’t do that, then they have to drink
two or three shots: it’s like a drinking game. Lots of fun, eh? Crazy, crazy. And that’s one of the not so bad ones. I couldn’t even repeat
some of the other ones. Too embarrassing. How do we redefine the norm and change the way
future generations view sex? I want to make it clear
that not all kids are doing this, but it is the norm, and I think
it’s only going to get worse. As a matter of fact, I know it is,
because over the last six years, it’s gotten worse
and worse with my clients. All we have to do is talk.
We start talking about sex with our kids. A lot of you here are younger,
but you are the parents of tomorrow. You have to change what’s going on.
You have to talk to your kids about sex. It’s always awkward.
I’ll tell you a funny story. Well, one story; then another one;
one leads to the other. I have two kids. My oldest was three, my son, and he’s just seen a girl naked
for the very first time that day. I could see it in his face,
he was really checking her out. Later on, and I knew I had a journal
I used to write funny things in, so I knew it was going
to come out that night. So, he says to me, “Mommy,
boys and girls are different, right?” And I’m trying not to go, “Yeah!”,
but I just said, “Yeah.” He said, “Because boys have a bum
in the back and a penis in the front.” I said, “Right,” and he said, “And girls have a bum in the back
and a tiny little bum in the front.” (Laughter) It’s true. Really! Anyway, I thought I’d better
have a talk with this boy. So, I said, “Well, OK, you know,
these are your private parts, they’re yours; you’re not allowed
to let anyone else touch them.” You know, all the safety stuff. And then I said,
“But you can touch your private parts. That’s perfectly normal,
everybody does it, but it’s private.” He said, without skipping a beat, “Do you do it too, Mommy?” (Laughter) I said, “Want to bake some cookies?” (Laughter) My daughter is actually here today,
but five years later she came to me, three years old, same conversation. I said, “Tada, tada, tada,
it’s private, everyone does it …” She says, “Do you do it too, Mommy?” Now, I had an eight-year-old by this time,
I had progressed, I had grown. So my response to her was, “Want to bake some cookies?” (Laughter) I couldn’t deal with it. But my point with that is it’s always
going to be awkward and embarrassing. I’m not one of those people,
even when I’m talking to teenagers, I don’t think it should be blasé. I still think sex is– there’s an element: if it’s awkward
to talk about it, it just is. It’s just natural to feel that way. So, when you are talking to kids
though it’s a little bit– There’s a couple of rules
that I tell my clients. I say, “When you’re talking to kids,
it’s age appropriate.” A three-year-old doesn’t need to know
the same things as a 13-year-old. Just say to them,
“We’ll discuss it when you’re older.” That’s it, and then go
bake some cookies, whatever. But also: you don’t discuss your sex life. Your three-year-old does not need to know what Mom and Dad are doing
rolling around in the hay. It’s just not necessary. They will ask questions though;
it’s not appropriate. So, in order to change the norm, I think
we have to learn how to talk about it. And if you have to bake cookies,
racks and racks of cookies, then do so, but don’t let that stop you from discussing
these things with your children. Thank you very much. (Applause)

100 thoughts on “The unsexy truth, the hookup culture | Lisa Bunnage | TEDxSFU

  1. I was a teenager when this woman was giving her TED talk and I have not seen Or heard of anything that she is talking about.

  2. Scientists have found out that women retain the DNA of every man they have ever been with. Think about that

  3. I love that everyone is angry that she has no evidence to back it up and is just using personal experience and disproving it by using their own personal experiences. The irony.

  4. I feel like somewhere underneath the irrational moments she has a point, but is ruining it with the illogical conclusions

  5. My daughter doesn't have a cell phone or tablet or PC and she asks me everything and tell me much more than I'd like to know. She would definitely be addicted to pron if she had a phone.

  6. With all the hate by the Millenials in the comnents, she just proved that younger people have no respect for their elders!!!

  7. Looking through the comments I'm glad to see through a bunch of age groups, genders, and locations, there's a lot of discussion and arguing with the points of the speaker.

  8. i really enjoyed this, not gonna lie.
    we need more Ted Talks from delusional Controlfreaks that make up Stuff on the Go.

  9. I'm 20 seconds in but she opened with "As a parenting coach.."… and I'm sceptical. Let's see if my preconceptions are wrong.

  10. well, at least it's nice to see TED allowing such a wide range of views and values a platform? At least it would be, but this is pushing it a little too far. this woman needs an enlightening asap.

  11. ok so why is everyone here making a joke out of it.asults acting like kids and does anyone really think anything is going to change.

  12. No, this all started in the 1950's. Have a look at "Hell's Highway" about the highway safety films that were of severe accidents to scare teens in driver's ed.

  13. I think what was missing from this talk was a discussion of why we would need to change those values.

    It was funny and well-delivered, but she knew she was talking specifically to an audience of younger people who have different beliefs from her, so why did she go for shock value examples instead of explaining why 'hookup culture' is so bad?

  14. rainbow parties r an Illuminati think tank invention .no way ne kids could come up with this on their own. Sodom and Gilmore

  15. I raised in the 80's and since I was born my mom worked. She was a present mom although that, and her job never decreased her autority. This speach is completely personal and based in own experiences.

  16. People in the comments seem to be misunderstanding her point. She is not saying that kids should fear adults. Her point is that kids, having less supervision and parental guidance, spend more time alone, lose respect for adults, and turn to the internet or their peers for guidance, which leads them down a more promiscuous and risky path. No one will love a kid like their parents will. Therefore, they will most likely have their best interest when giving advice. Your mother/father wants what's best for you. The internet/social media wants what's best for consumerism.

  17. Everyone is so insightful in the comment section… Not.
    Y'all are so mad because the truth hurts. This is a professional talking about her experiences with youth. I guess y'all know exactly what she's been through. Smdh just because you think she's a curmudgeon doesn't make you right.

  18. Rainbow party, a norm, I am literally laughing right now with my brother. You are an old lady who has been successfully trolled haha.

  19. This is old news however I've been to rainbow parties, gatherings and raves.. I think the ones that never heard or been are either todays kids/youth meaning millineal or Z's because i can you we had plenty parties. Dont forget Fun Parties if your into that.

  20. Honestly, this is just boomer fear-mongering about "millenials." The data consistently refutes every single one of her points. It's a shame she got a TED talk.

  21. "It's awkward to talk about; it's natural to feel that way"

    If that was true your kids would naturally feel awkward talking about it. YOU are the one telling them that's it's awkward and embarrassing.

  22. Wow this is the most ridiculously out of touch video I’ve seen. I learned very little about ‘hookup culture’. Also I gaurentee that rainbow parties are not real.

  23. "I cant tell them, cus confidential"
    That.. means you kinda crummy as a person in that role. It shouldnt be shared because of respect to begin with.
    Ugh this person makes me feel why a lot of people are having a hard time seeking help when they need it.

  24. The swinger generation is literally having Ted talks about how they’re confused that their kids are the same as they were when they were kids.

  25. The swinger generation is literally having Ted talks about how they’re confused that their kids are the same as they were when they were kids.

  26. @4:50
    So far I have found this narrative–while not necessarily proof it's NOT true–has been overly simplistic, and she has yet (that I can tell) to offer a single shred of tangible evidence to support a belief that this narrative is actually a TRUE and ACCURATE history. I am hoping to see some improvement…

  27. @14:30
    "Not allowed"–like HE'D be the one in trouble? I'm not expert on the subject, but that seems to me an ODD way of phrasing that talk…

  28. Ya know….. every time you hear about some kid shooting folks or doing something awful it's always a kid that can't get a date. Girls are just too picky. That girl at the first part of her talk may have saved many lives with what she did. Lets all remember what a bummer it is to go to a funeral. That sweet girl may have prevented hundreds of people from having to attend funerals.

  29. A very good talk both stylewise and contentwise. I am not surprised at the negative comments made mainly by young viewers because they have not yet become parents of teenage kids. They may belong to X or Z generation but they did not have the challenge of raising them, teaching them, counselling them or supervising them. Todays parents and possibly teachers, managers etc find asking themselves how come there is a such a huge generation gap as has never seen before. Lisa Bunnage brings an excellent explanation to this question.

  30. My parenting philosophy was anything my kids asked I only said no if I had a real reason. I didn't allow my kids to question me nor did I always tell them the reason no, but in my head I had to have a real reason I could articulate and never did I say to them, "because I said so". I was always conscious of my kids wanting to do kid things and I would never say know just because what they wanted to do was going to get on my nerves. I always made it about them.

  31. I’m 25 now and i would say that i’m still quiet in touch with the trends of teenagers and i never ever heard of rainbow parties before and do not know one single person who ever attempted such a party. Not during my own teenage years and neither now. But i’m in europe and maybe this is an american thing. I don’t know.

  32. I feel like this is a very surface analysis that tends to blame parents for having to work. Like yeah, it would be preferable if only one parent had to work but in this economy? Like it makes good points but this is a first draft of an essay that didn't have sources.

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