-Here at “Late Night,” every
night I deliver a monologue comprised of jokes written
by a diverse team of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that, due to my being
a straight white male, would be difficult
for me to deliver. But we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them, so we’d like to share them
with you now in a segment called
“Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” [ Cheers and applause ] These are two of our writers,
Amber and Jenny. -I’m black. -And I’m gay. -And we’re both women. -And I am not. So, here’s how this works. I’ll read the setups
for these jokes, and Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines. Here we go! Today was National Be Late
for Something Day. -Yet another example
of white people appropriating black culture. [ Laughter ] [ Scattered applause ] -A lesbian horror film
recently premiered at the South by Southwest
festival. -It’s called “Home Depot
Is Closing in Five Minutes.” -Hey, Jenny,
what’s your favorite thing to get at Home Depot? -A phone number.
-Okay. 50 years ago, Charles Schulz, the creator of the comic strip
“Peanuts,” introduced his first
black character, Franklin. -It was the least he could do after letting Pigpen
walk around in blackface. [ Audience groans ] [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh! Oh, I’m glad I didn’t try
to tell that one. -I regret having done so. -A gallery in New York
is currently showing an exhibit of photographs of lesbians
from the ’60s and ’70s. -Or as they were known
back then, roommates. -Oh, yeah.
[ Laughter ] And what are they known as now? -NCAA basketball coaches. -Oh, right, right, right. In response to Serena Williams’
protest against an umpire during the U.S. Open,
tennis star Martina Navratilova published an op-ed titled
“What Serena Got Wrong.” -It’s like
the old saying goes — Behind every successful
black person, there’s a white person
who needs to shut up. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Disney — Disney is facing
backlash after it was announced that its first-ever
openly gay major character will be played
by a straight actor. -But in their defense, it’s
really hard to find a gay actor. [ Laughter ] -Jenny, is it hard
to find gay actors? -No! 1/3 of the actors
at this desk are gay. At least. [ Laughter and applause ] -Two dozen white supremacists
held a rally recently outside the White House. -And when they were done, they went inside
and got back to work. -Amber! -It’s funny because the
president’s a white supremacist. [ Laughter ] -Oh, it is funny. -Those laws. -Alaska Airlines apologized
recently to a gay couple after asking one of them to move so a straight couple
could sit together. -Even worse, they asked
a lesbian couple, “How do you do it?” [ Laughter ] -Jenny, what’s the question
people ask lesbians the most? -Can you open this jar for me? And P.S.,
the answer is always yes. -Okay. According to Politico,
white men are a minority among this year’s
Democratic midterm candidates. -So from now on if you want to
see white men in the majority, you’ll have to go to Harvard,
Yale, Princeton, Stansford, a Cubs game, a research lab. -A TED conference,
a NASCAR race, Wall Street, NASA,
the Supreme Court. -A math department, a movie
studio, an engineering firm. -Or a comedy writers’ room. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -Stansford. [ Laughter ] A lot of people go to Stansford. -I didn’t get into Stanford, but
I got wait-listed at Stansford. [ Laughter ] -A lot of people did. Hey, Seth,
why don’t you tell one? -Oh, I couldn’t! -Oh, come on.
Just one. -I feel like if I do,
I’m going to get in trouble. -No way, dude.
-Okay, okay. Then I’ll do it with confidence.
-Okay. -The Denver Center
for the Performing Arts recently staged an all-black
performance of “Oklahoma!” Or as it’s called,
“Oak-la-homey.” -Seth, no! -What, what? Why? -Seth.
-No. -Well, I’ll do another one
and win you back. -Okay. -The University of Oregon is currently organizing
a lesbian oral history project. -Don’t do it.
-No, no, no, it’s good. [ Laughter ] -Do not do this. -No, no, it’s not going
where you think it is. Because if there’s one thing
every lesbian has, it’s an extensive oral history. -You did it.
-How dare you! -You told me it would be okay! -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -You said Stansford!
-I did. -Black women and lesbians
are liars! ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] We’ll be right back with
Mariska Hargitay and Ice-T.