-Here at “Late Night,”
every night, I deliver a monologue
comprised of jokes written by a diverse team
of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that, due to my being
a straight, white male, would be difficult
for me to deliver. But we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them, so we’d like to share them
with you in a segment we call
“Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” [ Cheers and applause ] [ Duct tape rips ] Hey, everybody.
These are two of our writers. That’s Amber,
and that’s Jenny. -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And we’re both women. -And I’m not. So, here’s how this works. I’ll read the set-ups
for the jokes, and then Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines, so here we go. The longest-running lesbian bar
in the United States recently closed for good. -So now lesbians will have to
meet the old-fashioned way — at Ace Hardware. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -18,000 contaminated pipes
in Flint, Michigan, will be replaced by a black-owned
construction company. -And it’s true what they say —
their pipes are bigger. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] They are. -A lesbian was recently named the leader
of Germany’s Fascist party. -If you’re wondering
what lesbians and Fascists have in common,
the answer is their haircut. [ Laughter ] -Jenny — Jenny, why is it that so many lesbians
have short haircuts? -We just get really excited
about scissors. [ Laughter ]
-Oh! -[ Laughs ]
[ Audience “Oh”s ] -Jenny! Jenny, no! [ All chuckle ] [ Laughter ] According to a recent article…
[ Laughter ] According to a recent article, there’s been an increase
in women using smartphone apps to track their menstrual cycles. -Still no word on how
they get those phones in there. [ Laughter ] I guess you put it down there —
-No! No! No! No! [ Laughter ] I wasn’t pausing for an answer. -Oh. -[ Chuckles ] [ Laughter ] On the popular British
soap opera “EastEnders,” a lesbian character recently
decided to sleep with a man. -I guess she got tired
of having orgasms. [ Audience “Oh”s ] -Are lesbians really that good
at giving orgasms? -Watch this.
[ Snaps fingers ] -[ Gasps ]
Oh! [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -You’re welcome.
-[ Chuckles ] Wow! [ Laughter ] I’ve never heard that noise
or seen that face. [ Laughter ] According to a recent article, home ownership among
black Americans is 30% lower than home ownership
among white Americans. -Lucky me, because I got
this brick… [ Humming funky beat ]
…house. [ Laughter ] ♪ She’s mighty, mighty ♪ ♪ Just lettin’ it all hang out ♪ ♪ She’s a brick, mm-mm ♪ -♪ House ♪
-Hey, you know it! All right.
Just that part. A gay couple recently kissed on the Kiss Cam
at Dodger Stadium. -While a lesbian couple
was too busy watching the game. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -Hey, Seth,
why don’t you tell one. -Me?
Nooooo. No, I — I couldn’t.
-Aw. -I couldn’t possibly tell one.
-Yeah. Oh, come on, just one. -Well, I feel like if I tell
one, I’m gonna get in trouble. That’s how it always happens.
-Come on, just do it! -Okay, but I can fully trust
you guys? -Oh, yeah.
-Yeah. -You guys will both have my back
if I do this? -Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah. -Okay.
-Okay. -The adult website PornHub
announced recently that its most popular category
of all time is “lesbian” and its least-popular category
is “real-life lesbian.” -[ Gasps ] -How dare you?! [ Laughter ] -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -You promised me
it would be okay! -But I am a real-life lesbian.
-What?! [ Laughter ] [ Duct tape rips ] [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]