Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Lesbian Leads Germany’s Fascist Party

Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Lesbian Leads Germany’s Fascist Party

-Here at “Late Night,”
every night, I deliver a monologue
comprised of jokes written by a diverse team
of writers. As a result, a lot of jokes
come across my desk that, due to my being
a straight, white male, would be difficult
for me to deliver. But we don’t think that should
stop you from enjoying them, so we’d like to share them
with you in a segment we call
“Jokes Seth Can’t Tell.” [ Cheers and applause ] [ Duct tape rips ] Hey, everybody.
These are two of our writers. That’s Amber,
and that’s Jenny. -I’m black.
-And I’m gay. -And we’re both women. -And I’m not. So, here’s how this works. I’ll read the set-ups
for the jokes, and then Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines, so here we go. The longest-running lesbian bar
in the United States recently closed for good. -So now lesbians will have to
meet the old-fashioned way — at Ace Hardware. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -18,000 contaminated pipes
in Flint, Michigan, will be replaced by a black-owned
construction company. -And it’s true what they say —
their pipes are bigger. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] They are. -A lesbian was recently named the leader
of Germany’s Fascist party. -If you’re wondering
what lesbians and Fascists have in common,
the answer is their haircut. [ Laughter ] -Jenny — Jenny, why is it that so many lesbians
have short haircuts? -We just get really excited
about scissors. [ Laughter ]
-Oh! -[ Laughs ]
[ Audience “Oh”s ] -Jenny! Jenny, no! [ All chuckle ] [ Laughter ] According to a recent article…
[ Laughter ] According to a recent article, there’s been an increase
in women using smartphone apps to track their menstrual cycles. -Still no word on how
they get those phones in there. [ Laughter ] I guess you put it down there —
-No! No! No! No! [ Laughter ] I wasn’t pausing for an answer. -Oh. -[ Chuckles ] [ Laughter ] On the popular British
soap opera “EastEnders,” a lesbian character recently
decided to sleep with a man. -I guess she got tired
of having orgasms. [ Audience “Oh”s ] -Are lesbians really that good
at giving orgasms? -Watch this.
[ Snaps fingers ] -[ Gasps ]
Oh! [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] -You’re welcome.
-[ Chuckles ] Wow! [ Laughter ] I’ve never heard that noise
or seen that face. [ Laughter ] According to a recent article, home ownership among
black Americans is 30% lower than home ownership
among white Americans. -Lucky me, because I got
this brick… [ Humming funky beat ]
…house. [ Laughter ] ♪ She’s mighty, mighty ♪ ♪ Just lettin’ it all hang out ♪ ♪ She’s a brick, mm-mm ♪ -♪ House ♪
-Hey, you know it! All right.
Just that part. A gay couple recently kissed on the Kiss Cam
at Dodger Stadium. -While a lesbian couple
was too busy watching the game. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -Hey, Seth,
why don’t you tell one. -Me?
Nooooo. No, I — I couldn’t.
-Aw. -I couldn’t possibly tell one.
-Yeah. Oh, come on, just one. -Well, I feel like if I tell
one, I’m gonna get in trouble. That’s how it always happens.
-Come on, just do it! -Okay, but I can fully trust
you guys? -Oh, yeah.
-Yeah. -You guys will both have my back
if I do this? -Yeah.
-Yeah, yeah. -Okay.
-Okay. -The adult website PornHub
announced recently that its most popular category
of all time is “lesbian” and its least-popular category
is “real-life lesbian.” -[ Gasps ] -How dare you?! [ Laughter ] -You should be ashamed
of yourself! -You promised me
it would be okay! -But I am a real-life lesbian.
-What?! [ Laughter ] [ Duct tape rips ] [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]

100 thoughts on “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell: Lesbian Leads Germany’s Fascist Party

  1. I love hardware shops.. have more power tools than most guys and put my own IKEA furniture together… am I a lesbian? 🤔

  2. It is so enjoyable to watch them have so much fun with each other….this comment sounded so right in my head but seems so wrong now !

  3. Not only is Alice Weidel, one of front people of our local very right party, a lesbian, she's also married to a dark skinned foreign woman and the pair have adopted two sons. The party explicitly does not support non traditional families and sexualities.

    This is some next-level hypocrisy right there.

  4. Alice Weidel, the fascist german lesbian, is not that big a surprise in germany. for some reason there are multiple prominent gay conservatives, and the conservative party in germany itself is split in half on the issue of gay marriage. paradoxical, but somehow the "norm" in germany. as long as they accept that women are (mostly) for breeding, gay people can be right wingers in germany

  5. When I listen to the signature music at the end of the video.. it reminds me of my childhood and odd forgotten memories, Not sure why. It shouldn’t do that

  6. omg this is so precious… they all look so giddy! n no wonder, bc these jokes r hilarious!! god bless this segment

  7. the AFD is not a fascist party, the NPD is Germany's fascist party, but who cares about facts, right?
    The AFD is a right-wing conservative/libertarian (you might even say capitalist) party that have the same views as the us-american republicans.

    But I guess to american liberals, everything else than their own view is fascism, right?

    You wouldn't care either way, as long as your audience just claps at everything because they don't even know
    where Germany is on the worldmap.

  8. Yep! The leader of the extreme right party in Germany is Alice Weidel who is gay, whose partner is an immigrant from Sri Lanka. And she illegally hired as a cleaning woman a Syrian. And Weidel is constantly ranting against immigrants, gay marriage and crime. Life writes the best punchlines

  9. I have to remember to get a security system from the hardware store. Hopefully there will be some lesbians there to.. Thank you in advance!

    If only your mother knew…

  10. The german lesbian is called Alice Weidel and worked for jewish-fascist Goldman Sachs and has good connections to the german/pro-zionist Springer publishing company

  11. So the fact that you are saying you are a straight white male is incredibly racist, sexist, and not progressive at all. You can tell any joke you want… that’s the point of it being a joke if you think it’s offensive for you to say it’s probably not a joke. I hate liberal media so much it’s killing entertainment.

  12. Yay Jenny's scissor dance and Amber's brick-houuuuuuuse dance. Please add to supercut.
    Whoops did I give away my secret identity?!

  13. The AfD (the mentioned fascistic german party) needs to tell the myth, that they are not fascistic, thats why.
    But actually all they do is impressing people who are dumb and angry. Thats why they sympatise with Trump.

  14. Do "progressives" actually think this stuff is funny? Lesbian jokes are funny because they are generally about the sex but nobody tells them because lesbians get upset about lesbian sex.

  15. The concept behind this segment is primarily why this show is a failure. Also Seth looks and sounds like a tanned weasel.

  16. Jokes Seth Can't Tell does kinda get formulaic after a bit, but I love them because of times like this, when we see how much fun they have making them.

  17. Well, apart from the fact that someone as uninvolved and uninterested in German politics as Meyer and his cast seem to make pretty broad statements on German politics, I do wonder:

    Do you ever care to take any of the accusations and statements you make serious and provide just a little bit of credible source material ?

    You people are the epiphany of the stereotypical, undeducated and superficial American, who know nothing about Europe and still thinks, that we don't have fridges in Germany.
    You have ever thought that there might be just a bit more nuance to the people opposing your views than just "fascists!" ? Or are you willfully branding them such, as to disregard their arguments and points on the basis, that you are simply not able to provide any concrete arguments with actual evidence ?

    I personally would say both fit in this case.

  18. I'm German and would never even think about voting for the AfD, but do all those people placing them on the same level as a movement that strived to kill hundreds of millions of people really think it's the ethical thing to do? It's kinda sad to see how both sides just throw the most disgusting words they can find at each other. I really wish there was a world without all this ideological bullshit, it really seems to bring out only the worst in people.

  19. They have way too much fun on these segments. Forget celebrity interviews… just have Seth and his writers and family talking

  20. Lies, lies, lies whatever party you mean with "German fascist party" their (fascist NPD and "fascist" AfD) leaders and vice leaders are all men.

  21. The german 'fachist' party with the lesbian leader referred to in the joke is about as 'right wing' as the moderate wing of the USA's republican party…

  22. I always taught I was a straight white man but apparently I'm a lesbian traped in a man's body.

  23. I am a member of alternative für Deutschland. We aren’t fascist you American imperialist. We are NATIONALIST… something people in your country can understand with Donald Trump as your President, Obama believing in American exceptionalism, the tea party movement, how America is so militarised…

    We think it’s time for Germans to be proud to be Germans again. Hitler only rose to power because of how Germany was treated. At Versailles Germany lost a third of its land, industry and population, and all these areas were inhabited by ethnic Germans.

    Then to top it off… our people went through a fucking famine and we couldn’t feed our people because we had to give all our money to France and Britain…

    We tried to feed our people and France occupied Germany’s heaviest industrial zone and any German who protested was beaten.

    Then the Great Depression happens and Britain and America bail out the banking system of every country but Germany… within 6 months, all Herman banks close, as Americans sit on their fat asses and fucking watch

    2 months later… Hitler seizes power largely based on his hatred of the western powers and how Germany is being treated like a colony…

    Then we fight World War Two, and while we are barbaric… 6 million German women are raped by allied forces

    2 million by the Soviets
    2 million by the Americans
    And a million each by the British and free French forces

    60,000 German women in Berlin preferred suicide than to facing the wrath of the soviet army…. the Hitler youth was distributing poison but there wasn’t enough to go around

    Women took to jumping off buildings…

    And no soviet or American is ever fucking charged…

    So yeah… only we should feel shameful and suck up to the country that literally raped our people…

    You should be ashamed too, but you aren’t. You go around spreading your republicanism around the world with the Wilsonian doctrine and force your particular system of democracy down Europe’s throat while maintaining dictatorships in Latin America…

    You didn’t learn… we did, and we can still make sure the holocaust doesn’t happen again while fucking having an army that can go to fucking war, being proud of our nation, and excercising our own influence on the world stage.

    America’s day in the spotlight is almost finished… it’s time for Europe to stand on its own… to decide it’s own fate, to be free of both America and Russia…

    Our combined economies are larger than America and Russia combined…

    We oppose further European integration, but a European defensive alliance to replace NATO… that would be something

    So to sum up… shut up American fuckwit, you committed crimes too, it’s been 70 years as well, and you just want to keep oppressing is so we are a weak puppet

    But no thanks… bye bye American troops in Europe, let’s be free from tyranny

  24. The best moments are when they make each other giggle so hard they have to pause before they can speak again.

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