Jesus has a meltdown on The Kitchen Show

Jesus has a meltdown on The Kitchen Show


– In this episode, we’re
joined by none other than the recently returned Jesus Christ for some home-cooked classics. Long time, no see. – Well it’s nice to be back. – So what are we cooking here today? – Well, I thought we’d go
with a classic fish pie, one of my faves and topped with
Japanese panko breadcrumbs. – Loaves and fishes, feeding of 5000. – [Jesus] Yes. – Well, there’s only two of us today, so it’s a little bit less pressure. (laughing) (upbeat bouncy music) – As a fan, I have to say, your teachings are really powerful. I mean, no wonder the crusades happened. – Ah, crusades? Don’t know what you… Oh, ’cause I’ve not been around. So, ’cause the whole…
– Oh! Thing and going up to the… So not across that at all. – Oh, well they were spreading your word. – Oh, that’s great! Oh, that’s lovely. Thanks, that’s really good to hear. – They spread your word hard. What a million? A million dead? – Wow, this sauce is so rich! – Speaking of richness, you
were from pretty humble origins. – Ah, yeah, yes! Yeah, humble origins, gosh. Yeah, born in a stable, surrounded by livestock, embarrassing. – What a rags to riches story.
And the church is worth now, like tens of billions of dollars. – Oh! I should’ve been a priest. – Na, you wouldn’t wanna
do that, because of the… …oh, pass the nutmeg… The pedophile thing. – True. – I’m looking like a complete
fucking idiot out there. – Yeah. – Okay, like the crusades, what was that? – It was a pretty hectic holy war. – I said love thy enemy,
not stab them in the face. – Yeah, I know, but God stuff, like how are you not across that detail at this point?
– I got crucified. – Okay. – How did you get from
that gesture of humility and love to “Please establish a crime syndicate of
rich child molesters”? – Yeah, mate, it’s f*cked up. So listen, can we just stay
on the positive stuff, maybe. – Yeah. – 10 Commandments, so no,
no, no, yes, yes, yes. We just bypass the wealth
and the homophobia stuff. – The homo what? The homo what? – Yeah, that’s the thing. – There’s homophobia? – Yeah, listen, can we
not get started on it now? It’s pointless to get stuck on it. Go through. Push on. – Wow, look at this. Ready for the oven. – Yeah, what I really love
about is how all the ingredients work together, just like
a happy couple, you know, male or female, or two people
of the same sex, that’s great. – Yeah, great, so what, how long… – As long as it’s two consenting adults, this guy here doesn’t mind, you know. As long as it’s behind closed doors, it could be felching, anal. – Ah…folded deck chair. – Dutch windscreen wipers,
northern chimney polish. – Okay, that’s enough. – Well, is it? Is it enough, because it seems like unless I’m weirdly specific, you do the exact opposite of what I say? I just can’t believe what
you did with my teachings. Yeah, I mean was it me? Was it something I did? Was I bad at messiahing? Did I not messiah hard enough for you? Is that what… – No, no, no, no, no, no. That’s us. We take any nice idea and
turn it into something awful. – Yeah. – Okay, how about everyone sharing? – So we tried that with
communism and it ended up with concentration camps. – Ooh, wow, okay…loving your community? – Patriotism, then xenophobia,
then concentration camps. – Good Lord. Um, all right, agriculture. – Battery farming, which
is concentration camps but for chickens. – Shit my balls. Um, free market economy. – Sweat shops. – Ah, simple one then, carrying water. – Plastic followed by the
Great Pacific Garbage Patch. – Well, patch doesn’t sound so bad as… – It’s twice the size of France. – F*ck, of course it is. Generating energy? – Climate change and mass extinction. – F*cking crucify my dick. – Ooh, pie’s ready. Wow, that crust is absolute… Ow! (dish breaking) – Wow, it’s just perfect, isn’t it? It’s a miracle actually,
considering your species that you somehow didn’t get
from a fish pie to a gulag. – You can still save it. Jesus saves. You can just get the top half and… – No, no, no, no, no, stop it, stop it. You know I’m just gonna go back up there. I’m gonna leave you for good. I’m already… One day and I’m already… So, you know what? I’m gonna leave you this. Brand new testament,
okay, third testament. All right, you’re gonna get this down? Exclusive. This will be exciting. One sentence. Humans are a bunch of c*nts. (sound of wind) – It’s not that bad. – I’m gonna try it. Mmm. And that is a delicious fish pie.

2 thoughts on “Jesus has a meltdown on The Kitchen Show

  1. This is hysterical, if not depressingly true. Wish I could join the J-man upstairs, bet there's no climate change and battery farming there. 😂

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