JAMES CHARLES: What No One’s Talking About (The REAL Tea)

JAMES CHARLES: What No One’s Talking About (The REAL Tea)

Now back then, it was some real unethical
shit because I found out while we were together that he had a girlfriend or whatever. The girl back then back then a straight guy
giving me attention? Oh, if there was a time where I really felt
that validation was at the end of a straight man’s penis, you know, I really felt like
if a straight man wanted to have sex with me, that meant that I was everything and a
bag of chips. Hey guys, it’s Kat and it’s it’s time for
another episode of True Tea. I want to thank you guys so much for joining
me for this episode. I’ve really been enjoying all of the fun conversations
that we’ve been having on this channel and if you guys are here for the very first time,
what we like to do on this channel is learn, share and growth through education and conversation. So if you’d like to do that with us, you should
subscribe. We try to upload videos every single Tuesday
at 6:00 PM Pacific Standard Time and we are always here to give you the true tea about
whatever the hell is on my mind. And on my mind this week is a subject that
a lot of people are talking about. James Charles. But before we get into that, I wanted to do
a couple of church announcements. If you guys will be at vidcon. I will be doing a fan meetup on Saturday. There are one day Saturday tickets that you
guys can pick up. I will be putting the link to the tickets
and the description box below if you guys are interested in that. Um, I would love to see you guys, there’s
going to be a couple of panels that are gonna be on a couple that I’m moderating. So I’m really excited for Vid Con, I really
hope you guys show up cause I would love to see you guys take selfies, do whatever, braid
each other’s hair. Let’s just have a good old time. Right? So yeah, I guess that does it for church announce-
Oh, and I’m going to be doing, I’m going to be having exclusive merch at Vidcon, so you
should come for that as well. Um, yeah. So anyway, we’re going to be having a stressful
conversation on today. So I do highly suggest that you go to your
kitchen, grab yourself some tea. I’m going to be drinking some lavender citrus
tea, um, throughout this video. Okay. I’m like two, I’m like two tea bags away from
being done. And even though you c– ignore my lipstick
stains, you can see that this, this, um, on the back of this, oh, you probably can’t. Um, it’s a consent. It’s a, it’s a consent mug. I just thought that it was fitting for this
conversation. Okay. oof, spilling tea all over me already. So anyway, we’re gonna be talking about James
Charles and I really wanted to focus on something that I think a lot of people are dashing over
and you know, it’s going to be a complex conversation because I have a lot of feelings about this,
you know, to me, James Charles is really the result of what happens when youtube is monetized. You know, I w you guys know I started a youtube
channel when I was 15 years old, but youtube was very, very, very, very, very, very, very
different. And I really sort of see James Charles as… Honestly negative result of the monetization
of Youtube. It’s interesting because right now I’m working
on the second part of my rebranding of white nationalism on social media video. Um, and I’m talking about monetization and
it’s really interesting to think about what youtube used to be when everyone used to just
make videos because they loved making videos and what youtube has become because now it’s
a platform to sell things and for you to sell yourself and to gain all this money, it’s,
it’s really, it’s really gross. I mean, and I think, you know, trying to sell
tickets that are more expensive than the Beyonce concert, I think that kind of tells you how
much people have, you know, lost touch. Um, but anyway, um, we’re going be having
a conversation about the whole James Charles pressuring straight men thing. Now we’re gonna… As we usually do. We’re going to have disclaimers in this video. So I’m going to start out by saying I’m in
this video, I’m going to be mostly focusing on the Coachella conversation where James,
you know, had this experience with a guy at Coachella who ultimately said that he wasn’t
attracted to him and he expressed a lot of, you know, upset over, you know, I guess what
he says is Gage. I guess there’s the name of the guy who came
to Coachella being dishonest with him. Right. Um, I’ve got a lot to say about that, but
when it comes to the other stuff, when it comes to everything else, you know, it’s been
really clearly communicated at this point that James Charles is an entitled delusional
person who thinks that because he has money, he can get straight men to sleep with him
and to me, that is disgusting. You know, one of the things that I’ve definitely
seen in LA is this strange sort of thing that people do where they think that because they
have clout in some way, shape or form, they can pressure somebody into doing something
with them. And I think that is totally disgusting. It’s funny because one of the things that
I, I’ve always tried to do since being out here is really minimize who I am. Because I don’t ever want to be in a situation
where someone is trying to sleep with me for money or you know, they, and you know, I don’t
even want to get close to that sort of thing. I would like for people to want to be with
me because they like me, not because you know, I have money and influence and things. And so I think it’s really gross. And James is in a situation where he believes
that because he’s a…. A celebrity that um, you know, people, you
know straight men are gonna change their mind. I think that’s disgusting. And that’s not what we’re going to be talking
about in this video. Right. What we are going to be talking about, and
this is again, what I think a lot of people are dashing over is, um, men who ultimately
identify as straight who are in their experimental phase and how that often makes people who
are DMAB, which means designated male at birth, who are feminine feel when they arrive at
that conclusion. Right? Because when I was first looking at the James
Charles stuff, because y’all know, sometimes I get a little messy and I watched some Here
For The Tea or some Viewers Voice, like, come on, like, you know I do it. I try not to, I’ve been trying to be good
this year, but here we are. Um, you know, um, when people were having
the conversation about the Coachella thing, even though I don’t really like James Charles
and I make that very clear. I understood a bit of like how he felt in
the conclusion of everything, right? So as some of you guys know, most of you that
I should know by now, I am a transgender woman, right? Um, and so obviously Jame’s experiences and
my experiences are going to be very different. Um, but there is crossover I think especially
when it comes to being younger and things like that. There’s a, there’s a little bit of an intersection
there with being somebody who, you know, in a lot of people’s eyes, you know, is a feminine
boy, you know. Um, I didn’t really get into this position
where I was consistently embraced as a woman until, you know, really, I guess you could
say 10 years ago. Um, and so a lot of my experiences being young
and being in that age where you are interested in men and stuff, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s changed
a bit. You know, it’s, it’s, it’s floating a bit,
a bit more, you know, like today I don’t deal with men- well, let’s put it this way. At this point in my life, I no longer have
met in my life who are figuring themselves out, figuring out their sexuality, don’t know
that they’re attracted to transgender women. You know, I actively avoid those men. And as you guys know, I’m polyamorous, I have
two partners and I go on way too many dates. Um, so I have a lot of men in my life who
really, really like spending time with me and don’t really, you know, have to deal the
deal, go through the whole figuring themselves out thing. Right. But when I was younger that was very much
not the case. And so, you know, I kinda just wanted to share
some stories because I think that honestly a lot of people minimize the experience that
a lot of men do have where when they’re younger. They might experiment with a guy and then
ultimately consider that it’s not for them. And the interesting thing about, you know,
the sort of space that I’m in, you know, I’m in the polyamorous community, I’m also in
the sex positive community and these sort of spaces are, at least the ones that I’m
part of. It’s very much like, it’s not the sort of
space for you should hide if you’re a man who, you know, has attractions to men, you
don’t have to hide that, you know, it’s not a gay space. It’s not a straight space. It’s a space for everyone often. And so that means that you have an intersection
of people who are often just very openly expressing their sexualities in a way that isn’t really
limited. And if they’re limiting, you know, it’s, if
it’s being limited, it’s not because of any external things, it’s because of themselves. Right? It’s completely internal. Right. And I think that often men who are bisexual
or Bi curious have a really hard time expressing that. And I think that we live in a society that
actively shames men for their bi curiosity, which is why when I watched the video of the
young man who went to Coachella with James, I was really taken aback when he openly expressed
that he, at one point in time when he was interacting with James, was still figuring
out his sexuality, where he was open to certain things and he was curious, right? Because that’s not something that a lot of
men are willing to admit. Now in my life as a trans woman, I have met
so many men who, you know, expressed to me that they’ve had situations where they’ve
been with men. A lot of you guys probably know, well you
can watch this video over here- I have a strong preference for bisexual men. And so I’ve met a lot of men. I’ve been with a lot of men who have had certain
experiences with, with men and you know, kind of not really. Um, it’s not, it’s not really a gone well
or maybe it did, but they recognize that they weren’t attracted to men. Like most of the men that I’ve been involved
with acknowledged that they have attraction to some degree to men, but don’t have romantic
relationships with men because they’re really not attracted to men in that way. Right. Um, whole conversation to be had. But long story short, a lot of men are very
much shamed out of expressing and exploring their sexualities outside of being, you know,
honestly straight or gay. I mean, I’m not saying that it’s easy for
gay people cause it’s definitely not, it’s definitely not easy to express that you’re,
you’re gay um,but it’s definitely, I think a little bit more complicated when you’re
someone who is bisexual because in a lot for a lot of men, from what they’ve told me, um,
you’re in the situation where gay people think you’re just straight or just gay and straight
people think you’re, you’re definitely just gay. You know, there’s, there’s no doubt about
it. You know, there’s no acceptance of maybe you
being someone who could be interested in both men and women or whoever. Right. Um, and I think that that makes these conversations
really complicated. Right. And I guess one of the things that bothers
me, at least to how people reacted to the, to the Coachella stuff is that they weren’t
acknowledging that he was someone who openly expressed himself as being open to being with
James. Right. One of the things that I really wanted to
talk about in this video, is kind of that weird process that you’d go through, right? As a person who is DMAB, which means designated
male at birth, and you’re a feminine person, right? And you’re attracted to men, you know, so
like for me today, um, a lot of people who interact with me, I would say most, I’d say
98%, 99 probably. I’m trying to be really, you know, I guess
I think it’s 100%, but we’ll say 98% just for, just in case it’s an anomaly. Um, most people interact with me are only
attracted to me because they see a woman, right? They’re interested in a woman. Right. And they’re not going to approach me because
they sort of see something, you know, manly about me that they want to experience. Right. Um, you know, but that’s not always been the
case. You know, when I was a bit younger, I definitely
had my fair share of people who are trying to get the best of both worlds when I was
like feminine, you know, but I hadn’t transitioned the way that I had, you know. Um, and I think that, um, because of that,
I’ve had a lot of really interesting experiences. Um, and my mindset about it has changed. You know, when you’re a person who’s DMAB
and very feminine, right? And you’re still sort of in the, like you
look like a James Charles, let’s just say that for what that is. Um, you’re going to be in a situation where
the gay men who you try to date or the gay men – put it this way. Well girl, let’s just not, let’s just try
not to be delicate about this. Let’s just say what it is. You know, most gay men are attracted to men
and when they say men, they mean masculine men. They don’t mean a James Charles, right? So for James and his situation, he is not
going to really walk into a situation where he sees a masculine man who is gay, right? Um, who’s also looking for, who’s not also
looking for a masculine man who is gay. So James is in this weird situation where
yeah, he probably does socialize in the gay community and things like that, but when it
comes to men actually wanting to date him, even though this community is accepting to
him in one way, it’s really not going to be accepting to him in a romantic context. And a lot of boys who wear makeup, a lot of
drag queens and you know who don’t have, you know, a, a butch persona outside of their
drag persona. They experience a lot of that similar thing
where even though they are gay men, even though they are men, even though they don’t identify
as women in any way, shape or form, they just wear makeup and they just have a little bit
of femininity to them. They aren’t really getting the attention from
the gay men, but who they do, we’ll get attention from who they do get attention from is these
men who are still trying to figure out whether or not they’re bisexual or even maybe men
who have figured out that they’re bisexual or that they’re attracted to feminine people. Because that’s another thing that some people
don’t often really like to talk about is some people, it’s not a situation of gay or straight
or you know, this or that or man or woman. It’s about, I’m attracted to people who have
these qualities. You know, some people are just attracted to
feminine people, you know, regardless of whether that’s a CIS person, a trans person, you know,
a DMAB person, a DFAB person, they’re attracted to a certain type of expression, and that’s
why they’re there. Right. Um, and some people don’t get that. And I will say that one of the weird things
about being trans is that you definitely, I believe, have this sort of scope of the
world that a lot of people don’t have. I’m not saying that to say, oh my gosh, we
just, we just know things in ways you don’t. But like, we low-, we know things in the way
that you don’t. I mean, it’s interesting to hear the, the
argument that many people have for, you know, a solid sexuality because You know, different types of people are attracted
to people who aren’t, you know… cis, I guess, or aren’t, you know, presenting their gender
in a typical way. You know, it’s a bunch of different types
of people and you get approached by different people who may have agenda with you or may
want to see you in a certain way. Right. But, um, maybe that’s not how you want to
be seen. Right. Um, I’ll tell you as a funny story, and this
isn’t totally relating to this, but it’s kind of a funny experience that I had, right. Because it kind of just sort of show, it just
demonstrated to me a very common thing that I’ve experienced being a trans person. And it also sort of goes through my life. So anyway, so when I was in high school, right. Um, you know, I was a little bit of a popular
kid, you know, I’ll just put it out there. You know, I was kind of popular. Um, I didn’t know that at the time that I
was popular because I had, because people were watching my youtube blog where I was
talking shit about everyone. I didn’t know that at the time. Um, but I was kind of popular in school, but
there were kids that definitely gave me shit, you know, like I was this kid who had a Mohawk,
you know, my clothes were all like hand painted and DIY’d out. I wore my skinny jeans and you couldn’t tell
me anything. Every hallway was a, was a Goddamn, you know,
catwalk. Like I was every I was, I was that bitch. Okay. And you know, honestly there were people who
didn’t like me. I didn’t really pay attention to them very
much. And what are the people who did not like me
was this football player. And it was so funny because our school was
definitely not the sort of school where the football players had any sort of clout girl. I wait, it was a very academic school. I went to the kind of school where people
had to lie about where they lived to get into the school. Like it was kind of one of those sorts of
things where it was a very academic school. You know, a sort of school where you put your,
your, you put the score on your test, on the wall. Every class is like this. And so everyone knows who has an F and everyone
knows her as A+. I went to that sort of school, right? That was sort of my experience. Right? And so it was weird that this football player
was always picking on me. Um, but he would, and Id known him for a really
long time. We were in daycare together and stuff and
he kind of saw me come into my confidence. And sometimes when people, when people see
you come into your confidence and they’re not there yet, they want a smash it out. Right? So, you know, I dealt with what I kind of
described earlier in this video where, you know, a lot of the men who saw me as attractive,
well Olympic this way, um, I wasn’t attracting any gay men, Okay. Um, and you know, there was, when I was a
younger, maybe that was a little frustrating to me because I didn’t realize at the time
I didn’t really identify as, you know, a trans woman. I was identifying as non binary and non binary
gender queer. We didn’t call him, I’m non binary back then. That’s a whole… a whole other conversation,
um, I was identify as gender queer. And so a lot of people who I would try to
date were those, you know, we’re in that community. That’s what I kind of thought I could, but
I was dealing with that kind of common thing of being rejected because I was feminine. Right. And so what I would often do, and this was,
you know, the inspired by a lot of other shit that I’ve talked about in other videos is
I would go onto the good old Craig’s list. Well, I was a real truck stop hooker, hooker
back in the day. I really was. Um, not there’s anything wrong with that. Um, but I would go, I would go on the craigslist
and I would try to find, you know, someone who was into me, you know, as a feminine person. I also wanted to be loved. I also want it to have a touch, attention
and affection and another topic for another, another video. But there definitely a time where I kind of
equated sex to romance and thought, Oh, if I give this guy a real good head that’s going
to mean that we’re going to fall in love and Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah. Um, and what would often happen is I would
meet these men and they would make me feel, cause I was so, it was so uncommon for me
to find men at that time. I mean now we know that’s not the case, but
back then it was so uncommon for me to find men who were interested in me that when they
express even a little bit of a attraction to me, your interest in me, I internalize
that as a really big thing. Right? I internalize that as just a really big thing
that can potentially lead to something, you know, I thought I was going to find my boyfriend
on craigslist, right. Um, but anyway, posted a craigslist ad and,
um, a guy responded, and this was a guy who, you know, for the first time in forever, forever
actually lived really, really close to me. Um, and I think this was like, I was on break
in my freshman year of school, I believe when this happened. Right. And so he lived like a couple of blocks down
and I was, you know, little frisky or whatever. And he told me, come over to his place and
he’ll have the door open and I just come right in and we’ll get down to it. Right? And so I walked down the street, you know,
feeling good and get about to get into something and he send me any photos of him. Like looking back, this was not smart. The thing, this was not the right, this was
not the right thing to do. This was, I shouldn’t have done this. Right. Um, but girl, you know, I was young and I
hadn’t, I hadn’t been on my, my mones yet and I was really wanting something. Um, and so anyway, um, I go to this house,
I opened the door and I see the football player who used to pick on me all the time. Now he changed a little bit. He had changed a little bit. Like I said, this was after my freshman year
of college. He had like gone off to another school and
like was actually playing football and he was always cute to be honest. Um, but he was like one of those kids who
was really, really scrawny and not that there’s anything wrong with that, I totally support
everybody in their body or whatever. But, you know, I like, I like my men a little
thicc , um, and he had become a little thicc and a little muscular. And it was in that moment that I knew that
I was a white man’s whore because we, because we ended up, you know, getting naughty and
it was this weird thing because we didn’t talk about it, but it was like used to pick
on me in school, used to pick on me in school, but now you’re sort of wanting me to come
over and do naughty things with you. And it was weird because the way that we would
do our do was he was clearly not really comfortable yet. He was still trying to figure out his shit. He was still trying to figure out who he was
and so he would, we would do some things but not other things. Right. And every time we’d meet up, it was always
a secret. You know, there are times where he’d come
and pick me up and I would run out to the car, you know, and no one could see us. No one can know about it. And like I knew his sister and I know a lot
of people and I knew that he, he felt that if anyone knew what we were doing, it would
be bad news for him. Right. And so it kind of became this routine. I’d come home over break and I would see him. And as you guys know, the way that my transition
sort of went, like I said, I identified as gender queer, queer before I went away to
college. Then I went to college and I recognize, oh
no, I’m just a boring binary trans woman. How unfortunate. Um, and I transitioned. And so every, every sort of summer he saw
me, it was one of those like every time you saw me on to get more and more feminine, more
and more feminine, more and more feminine. Now back then it was some real unethical shit
because I had found out while we were together that he had a girlfriend or whatever, the
girl back then back then a straight guy giving me attention. Ooh. If there was a time where I really felt that
validation was at the end of a straight man’s penis. You know, I really felt like as a straight
man wanted to have sex with me, that meant that I was everything and a bag of chips. I was a real woman because why would, why
would a straight man want to be with me if I wasn’t? You know, that’s the way that I had thought
about it. That’s the way that I internalized it. Right? And I had convinced myself that that was the
case. Right? And so, you know, for me there was a, there
was a while where I did that and I felt so validated that this football player from school
that used to pick on me was, you know, now, you know, blowing my back out and all that
stuff. But as I got a little older and as time went
on, and frankly as I became more solidified and solidified in my gender, I kind of started
to recognize things and I had all these experiences, right? It was, I had a lot of experiences where I
would meet these men they ID as straight. Right? And these men would often want to be with
me in a very discreet, contexted often wants to be with me in a context where they didn’t
take me out, they didn’t take me anywhere. And you know, after so many times have you
gone over to some dude’s house, you start to feel dirty, you start to feel….It’s hard
for you to be proud of yourself when you’re being sent messages over and over and over
again that you are this thing to be ashamed of, that you do not deserve to be seen, that
you do not deserve to be claimed or loved or acknowledged right? It hurts, and so I at a certain point sort
of put my foot down and said, you know, I’m not going to do it anymore. I mean, he was hot. It was, it was a really hard decision for
me to make, but he was, you know, I couldn’t do it anymore, you know. Um, and of course now he’s married and he
has kids and things and no one knows, um, that we ever had that experience. And a lot of men who ultimately, you know,
go through their life and ID as straight which side note, I don’t think that he was gay or
bi for being with me, but he was curious, you know, and I honestly, as I became more
feminine, I feel like he became less interested in me but not a conversation. Um, a lot of them go through that, go through
their whole life having an experience like that where they were able to sort of experience
something outside of their regular, you know, cis, you know, female experience and it was
something that they, they, they, they wanted to do. And you know, in some cases they changed their
mind and recognize that it wasn’t for them. You know, one of the things that I really
wanted to communicate in this video was that, you know, cause cause here’s what happened. You know, I believe that Gage and James had
a long conversation that was full of flirtatious messages. And I believe that James really internalized
that. I believe that James, like a lot of people
in situations like that was like this guy is actually interested in me because he expressed
to him that he was figuring it out. He was bi curious and he said to himself,
you know, when we actually interact in person and we actually meet up in person, there’s
no way that this isn’t going to turn into, you know, something great. Right? Um, a lot of times when you’re in that position,
you think, you think that you’re gonna meet a guy and he’s going to make the exception
for you. He’s going to make the exception for you,
where he, he’s going to embrace you in a way that he’s never embraced someone like you
before. And he’s gonna make all these decisions. He’s going to do this and he’s going to do
that. And some of these men will really lead you
to believe that that’s what they’re gonna do. They’ll really lead you to believe. Yeah, I’ll totally come out and tell everybody,
and Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah. But most of the time they’re not going to
do it because… and this is what I wish people would understand. They’re figuring themselves out. And ultimately for most of these men, it’s
just about them getting laid. You know, like when you’re in a situation
like James is in, you might think that some straight guy letting you suck him off is like
validation. You know, oh, I did this. Ooh, I have some much better. Ooh, you know, he, you know, these cis girls
don’t know how to do it like that and Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah. Like you might really think that. Right. But the truth is he just wanted to get his
dick sucked, and you were very eager to do it in a way that a lot of cis women wouldn’t
be. You know? And that’s what it is. And for some men, they don’t know that. They don’t want that until they’ve had it,
you know? I mean, this is the message I really wanted
to express to my DMAB people who are feminine, right? Yes. There are a lot of people out there because
of, because of how they were raised, the options they were given, the scope of the wish, they
saw their sexuality are going to be curious and they’re going to want to experiment. Right. And the reality is is they’re not going to
know. It’s not for them until they’re there. You know, when Gage was sending James All
these messages, you know, flirting and suggesting that maybe they could do something maybe that
they could, you know, have a little…. A moment. Um, that was him testing the waters. That was him, you know, trying to see what
it felt like for him to express himself to that in that way to another man that was him
trying to have, to, to figure out how it would feel for him to be affectionate, flirtatious
and suggestive to a man in that way. Right. That’s what that was. And I believe very confidently that when he
was in that space, that’s how he felt. He probably genuinely was open to doing something
with James. Probably even more so because he’s a very
feminine man. Right. Um, but when he got there, the reality of
it, it hit him too much and he changed his mind. And I’ve been there before. I’ve been in situations where men have run
out of the room, were men of, you know, just completely walked away, called me a cab, like
told me to leave because the reality was too much for them. Right. And that hurts. It hurts to put yourself in that situation. It really does. But that’s not the same thing as being dishonest
with you. Especially when they have, you know, communicated
to you that they’ve never done it before. They’re figuring themselves out. That’s not the same as being dishonest. You know? And I think that, and I understand why James
would say, Oh yeah, you know, he’s, he’s being dishonest, or he lied to me, or he used me
and I get how he, and his egotistical mind feels that that’s what happened. Right? But what probably really happened was the
Gage changed his mind. He changed his mind. And that’s not the same as being lied to. Right. I think that we need to be able to be open
and understanding of the ways that people tend to explore their sexualities. You know, too many people suffer because we
have this idea about sexuality, that it’s static and that for a lot of people it’s not
fluid. You know, I very much know that I’m a straight
woman- let’s even subtract, subtract straight from it. Cause I know some people are gonna feel some
type of way about me calling myself straight. Um, even that’s who I am. You know, unfortunately for a lot of people,
um, I’m attracted to men. I know that. Right? That’s me though. That’s me though. For a lot of people across gender lines, they’re
still exploring and there’s a lot of people who will be in a situation they never expected
to be and where they find themselves attracted to someone who they never thought they’d be
attracted to. You know, sex, sexuality for so many people
is fluid and a lot of people suffer under this rhetoric of you have to be this way. I would have to be that way. There’s no in between, right? There’s no mentoring. A lot of people are erased for not being able
to openly claim that they like this and like that. I mean, one of the things I love about my
sex positive community is that it’s not a community where people feel like they have
to hide those things. You know, if someone who, so if someone’s
bisexual, for example, if he’s a, if, if a man is bisexual, right? And he’s presenting and he’s, he’s, he’s preventing
himself from expressing to another man that he was attracted to him. That’s internal, that’s not external. It’s a community where men, if they’ve had
experiences with men and maybe they had landed on the, Oh, I’m just straight sort of position. They can openly talk about that without being
shamed. And I love being part of a community like
that because you see who people could really be, if they were allowed to just be themselves. You see, people could become, if they were
just allowed to just truly claim themselves without having to justify themselves to other
people. Right. And for me, I recognize that, um, most of
the world isn’t that way. And that’s why a lot of these conversations
are so hard. I do not doubt. In fact, I very strongly believe that James
has been in several situations, several situations where men who have identified as straight
have expressed curiosity to him. And I’m sure that because he’s someone who
doesn’t really want to date a gay man, which girl, there’s a lot to say there. Um, he’s probably internalized this as a thing
he’s able to do, you know, he goes to a gay space and he can’t find a lot of the types
of men that he wants to be with, which you know, like a lot of gay guys, it’s, they want
this masculine guy who is straight acting. You know, we’re this, we’re not going to do,
we’re not doing a video about that cause that’s not my community speak to. But that’s a lot of their experience. There’s a lot of what they want is they want
this straight masculine guy. You know, there are a lot of ya’ll out there
cos playing, butch, and you can find another men out there who likes to cosplay butch. Like there’s, you can do it. You can do that. You can find somebody, you know, I think a
lot of people set themselves up for failure when they try to go after people who are not
there for them. And that’s one thing that I had to recognize
in my life where I found myself often pursuing these people who had expressed openness to
me or what we’re not willing to give me this sort of relationship that I was looking for. Right. And you have to sort of be a person who puts
your foot down and says, I’m not going to accept that. I’m worth more. You know, my quality of relationships definitely
improved when I stopped allowing myself to be used by these people. Because while I definitely think that, you
know, Gage changing his mind and ultimately deciding that he is not attracted to games,
Charles is not him misleading him or being dishonest while ultimately feel that way. I also think that when you put yourself in
a situation where you’re pursuing somebody who clearly doesn’t know what they want, you
can’t be shocked when they changed their mind and they use you. That’s, that’s often what you’re getting. You’re what you’re signing up for when you
talk to somebody who doesn’t really know if they like what they like. You know, like I said, y’all, I’m polyamorous. I’ve got two partners and a lot of people
that I’m dating. Otherwise, you know, not saying that’s a brag,
but I’m saying that there was a time in my life where I felt like I would never find
men who were interested in me the way that I was interested in them. And there was also a time in my life where
I felt like this is what I deserve. I deserve to be on the outliers because I
don’t quite fit. You know? So who’s ever gonna want to be in a serious
relationship with me? Right. But when I put my foot down and made the decision
that I was worth more than that and that I should actually embrace men who actually like
trans women, things got so much better for me. And that’s another topic for another video. I mean, I definitely can tell you guys about
how, again, there was a time where I actively would pursue people who it was their first
time. They didn’t quite know. Um, and that excited me because I felt like,
oh my gosh, I’m going to be the person who is the exception, not the rule. Right. That was a big ego thing for me. And of course it’s not shocking to me that
James Charles has an ego thing, but you’re not going to put yourself in a good position
when you’re continuously trying to go after people who’ve already communicated to you
that they don’t know if they really want you. So yeah. Anyway, that is basically all I have to say. I would really love to hear if there had been
any people who’ve been in similar situations. You know, I, again, I’m a trans woman, James
James is a cis man. We’re going to have different experiences
and I hope that, I’m not trying to sound like our experiences are the same, but I get the
pursuing a heterosexual man because that’s what is seen as the ideal, the standard. That’s the thing to desire the most out of
everything. I get that I really, truly, truly do. I really, I’ve been there, I’ve been there,
sis and that’s why I don’t date straight men because oh my gosh, are they weighed too much
trouble. Um, but anyway, I just wanted to chat with
you guys. I’d love to hear from other people who have
been in similar situations and what do you guys think about the James Charles thing? Because girl, I got a lot to say about James
and Tati and there’s a lot of conversations to be had but we’re not going to be talking
about that in this video Because oof. You see how long this video is? It can get so much longer. Um, but anyway, I would love to hear from
you guys. I will talk to you guys next week. If you guys enjoy this channel, I do suggest
that you subscribe right now you’re looking at two cool fun videos that you can watch
if you want to keep watching true tea on this channel also up in the corner. If you guys did enjoy this and got something
out of it and you want it to show me a little appreciation, you can send me a tip and you
can always support me on Patreon where you guys get exclusive, you know, creator’s logs
and things like that. And you guys get to see my content before
a lot of other people get to see my content, full interviews from my podcast. So yeah, check it out. I’ll see you guys next week. Bye.

100 thoughts on “JAMES CHARLES: What No One’s Talking About (The REAL Tea)

  1. Ooooh the good old Craigslist, where I found out my husband had been goin on there to forbidden fantasies n had his own damn ad with his damn face on there, (caption: lookin to suck big dick in my mercades), lookin for guys to hook up with. Ugh… Good times…
    … It was goin on for like 2 plus years, when I confronted him about it all he said "oh I was just seeing things, I never actually did anything". Lol, okay. He had some of these guys off Craigslist in his phone numbers, he was getting hotels and giving these guys the address, I saw hundreds and hundreds of messages between him and these other guys. But my husband sticks to his story and won't be honest about it.
    I feel that if ALL people were fine with everyone else being whoever they want to be and be with whoever they want to be with, then we wouldn't have secrets, wouldn't have people hiding their sexuality, having to be married n having kids, destroying families cuz they finally come out (or get caught).
    One of the first things my husband said to me when I confronted him was "Well it's not like it's acceptable in my circle". And that hurt, because I had to take a step back and think mmmm you might be right about that. And then I had to think we'll then all I've been for almost a decade is a Beard, a Cover up. And that my husband couldn't come to me and talk to me about these feelings, as he knew I had dated bi – sexual men, he knew I wasn't one of those people who look down at you, think it's wrong or not okay. My husbands uncle was a gay man, and died of Aids. Here I see 2 plus years of what looks like hookups with men and couples, knowing he was high on Coke and drinking, knowing how irresponsible he'd be, like not putting on a condom. I had to go to my Dr (who is a Gay man) and talk to him about all of this, which then he had me tested for all Std's, Hiv, Aids. I was so scared, especially listening to what my Dr was telling me, Dr had been my husbands Dr at one time, Dr was mad I could tell, he kept saying how irresponsible it was.
    Side note, my daughters cousin was married, her husband was cheating on her with prostitutes, ended up giving her Herpes. She of course found out by going to the Dr which then led to her find out what her husband had been doing. He admitted to screwing these cheap hookers without a damn condom.
    …. All the lying, the sneaking around, the secret hookups, none of it is okay, especially if you are in a relationship/married.

  2. Hm, I'd guess that there are quite a few gay_bi_pan_ men, who are attracted to feminine men. But since I heard that many gay communities tend to be focused on a masculine ideal it might be hard for them to find feminine men interested in them. In this I see both male gaze (just "now" by men who like men) and a malsculine ideal that comes from heteonormativity. So it may add up to reinforce heteronormativity and internalized homophobia: If everyone around you – not only straight men, but also gay(_bi_pan_) men in the community, too – distance themselfes from feminine men you get the idea it was kind of a bad thing. So you distance yourself from feminine men, too. And well, even though you can't choose or change your orientation, your preferences do not exist in a social vacuum. And sexuality is fluid. So to say men who are attracted to men are attracted to masculine men – I think it does come from a vague, fluid place. Which of course isn't a bad thing.

  3. The problem is him only going after straight men. Drop the internalized homophobia and go after a gay man. They're plenty of gay men who like fem guys, Jame Charles has no excuse.

  4. All these femme boys that are not attracted to femme boys but get mad when a more masculine man they are interested in is honest about not being attracted to them. If someone says they only want masc men, and you are not, be grateful your time was not wasted pursuing something that's not going to work out. There's better ways to try to cover up being pissy over personal rejection than saying someone should reject what they find attractive and give you a pity fuck. The irony is way too thick.

    I say this as a pretty middle of the road, non masc non fem gay guy, that is usually not attracted to guys on either end of the hyper masc hyper femme spectrum. But the parallels with some of the things you are saying about your experiences trying to date as a trans woman are way too real. I don't get the logic of trying to guilt or shame a person into sex et al because they are honest about what they like. There's nothing wrong with them for not wanting to sleep with you. There's nothing wrong with you for them not wanting to sleep with you. Most times, things just don't click. But there's definitely something shitty and disingenuous about saying there's something wrong with them over a matter as inconsequential as personal taste. Which is why James Charles is a huge steaming pile of Shit.

    TL;DR Calm down, Mary.

  5. ngl this is too bias and kat hasnt done nearly any research at all, theres SO much going on in the backstage she hasnt considered and james didnt force anyone if gage begged james to unblock him and stick to him for clout, thats all.

  6. I suppose its society prejudice, that create these situations, i understand curiosity, but James i think wants a relationship. He picks wrong men & needs a confident man in his own sexuality.
    P.s I love your hair.

  7. People are confused in general all this stuff is creating more confusion… people are so bent on being accepted! ACCEPT YOUR SELF POINT BLANK PERIOD

  8. very wise and eye opening dialogue, i have no idea if you are in mental health field, but your knowledge and experience can lead to a career and you are so young , girl, to know so much, there are people out there middle age with nothing figured out. help then, you are very very good.

  9. If there is one good thing about this drama is that it made me discover you and your amazing channel !

  10. There was no pressuring of anyone. Their were no sexual contact or body fluids mixing.
    I must say you rocked the truth and that what mattered. I being a person who like James Charles can exempt what your saying because your not blaming and out to put your one side appendion.

  11. I totally understand your opinion, and me as an lesbian woman who recognized it pretty soon, experied a lot situations where other woman in my age this days, wanted to try some stuff and figuring out… Hard to figuring it out in this age if they just wanna try around with me, or not, now i know that i never should geting in some situations with people who dont know exactly what they want, but i met several people in my life who totally know that the other person just wanna figuring out their sexuality, and also just wanna meet somebody who dont allready know it, thats a thing where i get really angry and so long there are just rumors that JC is also like that (i know he just 19y, but he self says that he had to grow up very fast, so idk..), i dont will support him anymore with my sub or views, i know thats not a good intention, but i just cant handle it different now… I also dont have the feeling that he is an honest and integer person, i always had thisbspecific feeling with him, that he is not what he claims to be, or what he wanna make us belive that he is, thiswhy it makes it much more easy to belive anything bad about him and i wished i wouldnt think like that, but in reality i just do… Ps The secret thing, god, hate it so much and im a happy person since i just can be who i am, with the partner i want, its so freening.. And sorry, for my english!;) glG from austria, katharina :*

  12. [Late to the party, but…] I loved this video, and your absolutely wonderful insight on things.
    As I commented under someone else, the problem in this case is that James Charles reacts like a bratty teen when the boys finally say no, then shame them openly for his millions of rabid "sisters" to see. The boys could end up getting online hate, just for being in this discovery journey.
    I wonder if, to some extent, any bi-curious boy dating him might feel this as extra pressure to say yes?

  13. You touched on some v important topics in this video and thank you for doing so. In particular I liked how you addressed bi-erasure. Bi-erasure is seriously still such a big problem, especially in LGBT+ communities where a bi person is just perceived as partially in the closet or still figuring it out. I've met so many people who claim to be sex positive and accepting of all identities but dismiss bi people. Most often bi people are dismissed under the guise of it being a joke but it's the only LGBT+ group I can think of where it's okay to joke about whether your sexuality is valid. It's very rare that I find a gay man who doesn't mock bisexuality, queer women are more open to it though from what I can tell lesbian women are as dismissive to bi women as gay men are to gay men. There's a weird form of hierarchy in the perceived "validity" of certain identities in the LGBT+ community that might be worth discussing if you're interested.

  14. As a DFB; who is now in a monogamous, straight relationship with one man going on 20yrs and married 10yrs; that lived a bi-sexual, polyamorous life for a good chunk of my life (I'm 53), you hit allllllllll the right points! WOW! Best video I've EVER seen that's addressed this particular situation and expressed so many of the nuances most folks just didn't get in this whole melodrama. I feel THIS should be the takeaway from all of this.

    Thank you for your truth and your candor.


  15. My thing is, in a video where James had a friend tell him that he needs to quit with straight men because he has a problem (and James agreed and also said he’s working on it), and that there are plenty of masculine gay men out there….James actually said himself, he could go find a masculine gay man, yes, “but where is the challenge in that ?” What “challenge” is he talking about ? The challenge of getting a man he’s chasing ? What straight man doesn’t enjoy that chase with a straight woman ? Right ? Or any gender. Let’s be honest and real. Or….the challenge to get a straight man to turn him gay or bi ? See what the problem with that comment is ? And see why people are so quick to believe he’s a predator ? When he’s making comments like that. And trying to get straight men to try being with a man when they already said no, possibly several times. He likes and enjoys “turning straight men.” When in all actuality, he turns bicurious guys straight.

  16. I'm super late to this video but I loved it! It shed light to things I had no idea about & I appreciate it. 😊 Oh btw I think you are beautiful Kat!! 💗💖💞

  17. I think what you said exonerates James Charles even more. It's natural for him to be attracted to straight/bi-curious men, especially at his young age when he hadn't had a chance to learn the lessons you ultimately learned in the privacy of your relationships. As far as pressuring them into something they weren't ready for, maybe that's not the norm in your circle, but trust me, it's the norm in my straight world. And unless we are willing to expose the majority of the male population to global ridicule, this should have never been done to James Charles.

  18. They say that men settle down with the girl who makes him cum the best & he only strays bcuz he's chasing the dragon trying to have that experience with a different woman. That's why they're so in love but keep cheating on their girl. I'm assuming that it works like that no matter what gender they prefer. 🤔💭

  19. Honestly, this is a good lesson for all people looking for acceptance and love. As a straight dfab who has always identified that way but who has experimented otherwise, I too have found myself in situations where I was looking for validation but been hidden due to the other party feeling they didn’t know what they want. This was a super insightful and open conversation about those subjects. I will be sharing this video with my daughter who is currently figuring out her own sexuality so that she sees a perspective that is all encompassing, so she knows that experimentation is part of life but knowing who you are and what you deserve is the most important part of that. Thank you for sharing!

  20. I've watched far too many vids on the James Charles issues, and this is certainly the first time I've heard it spoken about with this information and perspective. Thank you!
    As an aside, I'd very much be interested in hearing more about the idea of being attracted to 'feminine'/presentation rather than being attracted to a gender.
    For the record, I found this video via Kimberly Clark.

  21. I'm here after watching Kimberly Clark's triumphant return. The part of the James-Tati thing that bothered me (and why I've always disliked James Charles + his racist foolishness) is his misogyny. He profits from femininity, yet he's so disrespectful to women. I find this is true with several feminine DMAB cis-men in my life. If we don't serve a sexual or maternal role in your life, women have no value. And SO many people play into this. James and Voldemort Starr are wayyy more famous and influential in the beauty community, where their audiences are predominantly female, then women who are much more experienced. Society would rather listen to a gay DMAB man than any woman, ask Mayor Pete and Elizabeth Warren. end rant

  22. this is a little late Kat, but it's also right on time. you need to stay out of he said she said hysterical YouTube commentary situations. just because someone gets on YouTube and accuses somebody else of something and the majority of YouTubers jump on the bandwagon to smear that person, that is the time for you to stay quiet, because things do not end up the way they start; and you can end up looking like a damn fool. I say this because I like you, not because I am trying to come at you in a negative way. Just heed my words and stay out of YouTube madness, because all you're doing is what everybody else is doing and that's just responding to he said she said gossip and when people do that they find out that they have been wrong, very very wrong like here in your situation, aboit James Charles. I don't know if you want to do a video on staying out of YouTube Community madness, but that's a way smarter conversation to have than the one you had here! Assumption is the mother of all fuckups!!!

  23. Haha so like that sense of entitlement has been there since before all this shit hit the fan. Its clear when hes pushy towards his own brother who is visibly uncomfortable being called 'sister Andrew(sp?)'.

    I watched a few of his videos but when i saw that one, i effectively pressed eject.

  24. Straight male but experimented when I was a teenager and the social stigma combined with puberty and alcohol and vulnerability was awful and regretful GANG

  25. you are looking great! just found you again and i never comment – so happy to see youre still here!

  26. The way you use like 7 very's to describe how different young YouTube was so on point tbh I just had to point it out

  27. I'm so glad you popped up on my recommendations. I love learning about the experiences and views of people who are different from me. I have to admit that my subscription box is severely lacking in black women.

    Anyway, Kat I love you already and I can't wait to see more great videos from you!!

  28. I'm femme and AMAB and I relate to this on a spiritual level.

    When you're femme it's really hard to get attention from gay men…straight, bicurious guys…not so much. I've been someone's dirty little experiment before, and it's all fun and games until you catch feels and find yourself constantly bending over backwards to please or impress someone who ultimately isn't really that interested

  29. As a pansexual (& trans) guy all my queer friends definitely treat me as gay and get kinda uncomfortable when I show interest in girls and nonbinary people. Cishet people either assume I'm straight or gay

  30. Well since I did t see any comment about it
    James did explains everything in how it was consensual and he was only making out with I believe he was a waiter
    The waiter was bi curious and agreed to make out with James
    He didn’t say offensive things at the family dinner
    James explains the waiter situation in his video which explains everything
    So if I were to summarize the 40 minute long video
    I’d say Everything you thought James did that was bad was mostly fake and the things that were real were all consensual
    So go watch that video since James went through tall the text
    And shedded light on Jeffery Stars Behavior and tweets
    So yeah have nice Day/Night

  31. i always loved the traditional japanese way of viewing sexuality, which is more along the lines of that homosexual sex is an act you perform, not an identity or lifestyle. back then, to them, one could have gay sex, bi sex (in the form of threesomes with people of different genders present,) and straight sex, and then simply move on with one's life. i sometimes think that might be a healthier attitude. (oh, also, don't get me wrong, traditional japan was far from some lgbt utopia. i just find it interesting.)

  32. I just want to say, for the past year or so I’ve found myself attracted really only to masculine people. Male or female trans or cis. And I’ve always just identified as bi, I always felt bad about excluding more feminine leaning people from who I’d like to date. But hearing you talk about how some people may be attracted to certain aspects gave me such a relief and so much validation and I can’t thank you enough for that. And I’m sorry this is incoherent but I am just so happy to hear someone else bring that up!

  33. I genuinely appreciate your perspective, and wish to add…. James Charles is very young. I think he gets a little bit of a pass for believing Gage might fall in love. He is, after all a virgin.

  34. I'm starting to think my internet is racist, man. Every single time I start watching one of your videos it goes in and out and my data plan run out. Totally out of context comment lol bit i look forward to actually watching the video without waiting forever for it to load.

  35. Girl I also did the craigslist thing back in the day too. I actually had unprotected sex in a club bathroom. That was my wake up call. For 3 months until I could be tested for HIV I lived in constant fear. Thankfully I was cleared, but after that I became MUCH more aware of my sexual habits.

  36. oh my gosh, idk why my inner monologue needed Kat Blaque to articulate this for me b/c this is exACTLY how i *felt*, and all i was thinking were just various iterations of "wow, (James Charles) is being super mean!"

  37. ¨when you put yourself in a situation where you're pursuing somebody who clearly doesn't know what they want, you can't be shocked when they change their mind and they use you.¨

    Whoa, I had a sudden moment of closure there.

  38. I still don’t think James is some confused and disillusioned gay kid, messages between gage and the waiter immediately shift to attempted emotional manipulation the second they said no, on top of the fact that he was trying to get with both of them at the same time without telling them, and then misrepresented them in his videos

  39. attraction to feminine people is real – and so rarely talked about! serving the real tea one more time kat <3

  40. It would be interesting to have conversations about bisexual men not allowing themselves to be romantically open with other men, but have no problem fucking them. It seems like this is a phenomenon, because most bisexual men I come across only date women.

  41. Any man that is willing to kiss and make out and do stuff with james is not a straight man. He will forever be searching for love bc no straight man likes men.

  42. well said. i'm a bi woman who's only attracted to masculinity, in women and men and whatever else people identify as.

  43. Some straight men will change their mind, and do so because the guy has money.
    If they’re both consenting adults there isn’t a problem with it.

  44. some of the stuff youre talking about with james not being masculine and most gay men being into masculine men is something ive experienced as a gay nonbinary guy. most gay guys arent into me because not only am i feminine just cuz thats what i like and thats what i enjoy but im also nonbinary and afab. so people have to wrap their heads around "okay so youre not cis. okay so you arent a man or a woman. okay so despite having dysphoria you still like being feminine to an extent." you get a lot of weird questions and after a point people give up on trying to understand. cuz of that i pretty much exclusively date other nonbinary and gender nonconforming people cuz despite the dating pool being much, much smaller its also so much easier and i know i dont want to deal with people using me as a way to question their sexuality.

  45. I actually went to high-school with Gage, and holy shit, I'd heard about an issue with him being coerced into potentially doing something he didn't want to with a social media influencer, but I hadn't really looked into this controversy until just now and had NO IDEA that it was James Charles, let alone that it went this deep.

    Seeing the reactions of various people I graduated with to Gage coming forward was pretty depressing and really took away a lot of what little respect I had left for the general "character" of the community we grew up in. I'll admit, Gage was a little douchebag in elementary–high school. He was legitimately one of the most grating people I've ever encountered and definitely someone I'm happy about never having to be in the same room as again, but I'm absolutely disgusted with how many people came crawling out of the woodwork to call make homophobic remarks about him because of the allegation that he made. There were even screen shotted messages that had been made public via some drama insta that claimed Gage was in the closet— so if that's the case then that means amidst this whole thing he was also outed by somebody he probably hasn't spoken to in years. Around the time that this happened a friend shared a post about it made by a third party in a group chart that literally asked if followers were on "team James or team Gage", talking as though these are Twilight fan-pairings and not serious legal allegations.

  46. Damn Kat, I feel relieved to know that exploring is ok. I always felt it would never work out and that I'll hurt people if tried. It's good to know. ❤

  47. Hey there Kat! Completely unrelated to your video (apologies) but I loooove your dressing style and your hairstyle! I'm a beginner writer and you'd be the perfect faceclaim for one of my characters, BUT I don't really take real people just like that (without asking anyway) because that'd be weird. So I wanted to ask wether it'd be okay to design this character's appearance kinda influenced by yours? I hope that's okay to ask, even though it may be a little of a weird question. Thank you for your time anyway, if you read this!
    Keep up the great content!

  48. Also, sorry for commenting again but.
    As a lesbian myself (I can only talk for myself and the other lesbians who've expressed the same opinion) please don't use butch in relation to men? Butch is a type of expression that was invented by the lesbian community for other, more masculine presenting women that are lesbians and is a label that completely excludes men from the equation. It's a lesbian culture thing, and using it to describe masculine presenting men includes men in a cultural thing that was created specifically to exclude them. Please understand that and I hope you can respect that it bothers me a lot to see it used the way you did to describe masculine men. They're not butch. They're just masculine. I understand the intention of making it easier to understand what you meant, but ultimately, personally it was making me severely uncomfortable that you used it that way. I'm not cis, and I'm not straight, and I'm not talking out of my ass here. I've talked to a bunch of other lesbians who aren't cis either, and some that are cis, and nearly all of them feel that same way.
    This isn't meant to be an attack! Just an explanation and a polite asking for you to not use butch or femme for describing men anymore. Just say masc or feminine, it'd be very muchly appreciated! Thank you for your time, and sorry for having to criticize this part.
    Much love, and great video otherwise!

  49. 13:20 Thank you so, so much for saying this.. this is exactly how I identify and I've never seen it vocalized and find it difficult to describe. It's nice to hear someone acknowledge this type of preference that isn't defined by gender, but by expression.

  50. Damn. As a fem trans guy who currently has a straight (def ‘curious’) man trying to get w me via shaming/invalidating me in public while wining and dining me in private, this really hit me hard.

    I put a stop to it the first time he tried me, but still, there was a small part of me that wanted any shred of validation, even if it meant I was deemed worthless and denied a fulfilled relationship lol.

    Wild. Thank you. This was therapy and a call out to so much and so many. ☕️ 🐸

  51. (good ol' cishet duder speakin here) I'm kinda surprised to hear that feminine guys are not more popular among gay men? It's also weird to realize that even for gay and trans people the sexual ideal in a partner is "a masculine straight guy" like… what the hell. I wonder if it has to do with the culture where in? Even in (some) queer spaces the hetero-normative standard for men is still seen as desirable?

  52. Wow when she was talking about her teenage years, I related deeply, felt like I was hearing a story with lots of similarities to mine, getting mostly involved with bi-curious men, equating sex to romance, and internalizing any little tiny bit of attention or affection and making them up to be huge things. Unfortunately for me, I did not had enough self-awareness of those behaviors until last year, and still I struggle with making sense of who I am and what I want out of life, personally, professionally or romantically… And yet here I am trying to figure it out

  53. I really wish the best for you kat but you said that we can be honest with you.
    From your videos I noticed that your life is mostly struggles with wanting men to love you and accept you and so you transitioned because being gay feminine male wasn’t attractive for men. I don’t know you personally and I don’t know your struggles but I hope your living your best version of yourself and be happy

  54. I always expect Kat Blaque videos to stress me out, but I feel like i'm hanging out with a friend instead <3

  55. Honestly, I don't know what happened to James Charles, but I want to share my own experiences as a queer person with straight men.

    I'm technically a gay male (although I've never identified as a boy or man at any point in my life) and I struggle to find gay men attractive. When straight-identified men give me attention, it feels good because it validates the precise part of my identity which has been most invalidated throughout my life: my femininity. If I know the only other objects of his affection are feminine women, then I know I'm being valued for the same thing. That's exhilerating and freeing, to be valued for a quality which has only garnered hate and rejection from a lot of other people (and men in particular). It has nothing to do with the exaltation of the straight man, per se, and everything to do with his preferences. I finally feel seen. He likes because I'm feminine, not in spite of it.

    Gay men, on the other hand, by and large prefer very masculine men. The Huffington Post in a recent article stated that a full 90% of gay men report this preference. For the men who are "willing" to date a more feminine guy, it feels like they're throwing me a bone. They'll advocate for giving a feminine guy "a chance", or say that they don't "discriminate". I don't want to be a gay man's pity date. I don't want to date a gay man and see him check out super macho guys to whom he'd happily submit in bed. It makes me feel like I'm being desired despite my femininity, as if he likes the masculine parts of me enough to overlook my faggy voice and mannerisms. If you can't tell, my experiences with gay men have been incredibly invalidating.

    It may sound sad to say, but at the end of the day the scraps I get from straight men are better for my spirit than whatever gay men have offered me (which really hasn't been much tbh).

  56. I wont ever forget my first 'love' I guess you'd say? I don't call it that now, more like a lesson, but that is certainly what it felt like at the time. I was personally still trying to navigate being a fem gay and what that meant for me. The guy I fell for was also trying to navigate his sexuality. We grew to be very close friends and a lil more than that, even though he had a girlfriend (sorta kinda was an off and on thing.) I ended up having to stop talking to him completely because it was too hard to be friends with someone whilst love feelings creep up on you and they won't ever be returned how you really want, how you really deserve. I was rather young at the time, I think 14 – 18 maybe? Definitely glad I learned. Hope the dude is doing well, haven't spoken to him in quite awhile (26 now.) I don't think he was dishonest, I just think he was exploring, much like I was with my own identity so I can't fault him for that.

    Also I wonder if there's a video about how fem gays token representation effects us? There's A LOT more to it than just that though.. Just because I know myself personally struggled a long ass time with what being fem really meant to me. It didn't have to be carrying a purse, make up, drinking wine (or vodka), wearing some flowy flowery thing, etc. At the same time these things seemed to be in direct conflict with things I enjoyed, like gaming, or just the general reality of being a southern gay being so disconnected with what is considered fem in popular culture. So I was at this odd place when I was younger where I felt like to be a real gay I had to be hyperfem, and almost give up parts of myself? Defo think this whole performative type femininity plays a BIG part in why we either are approached by or approach straight/curious men (11:45) And I say performative because again, I think this ties into how we as fem gay men are conditioned, cause lets face it, there's a lot we 'borrow' from women. But that's like, a whole other video probably maybe I'm rambling. But I love all these perspectives, your videos promote so much thought its just, ahhh, yes, thank you. I'm on a binge.

  57. Hello. I'm new to your channel.
    I'm still seeing a bunch of your videos.
    I enjoy your content so far.

    I have a few questions:
    28:32 – 28:53, to me, seems to be a bit self-contradicting.
    And there's a clear, sharp edit with juggling how you self-identify vs how other self-identify you.
    But I don't understand why.

    If it's not a hassle nor a burden, would you or anyone else reading this kindly explain some of the complexity or awkwardness or rational that, it seems to me, maybe you're account for with what seems to be a small self-edit.

  58. This is totally a tangent, but having spent a fair amount of time with furries, it's struck me how much more okay with femme furries are. If you're not aware, furries are overwhelmingly queer and mostly amab, and the trans quotient is also very high. A community revolving around creating an idealized avatar separate from your own body is popular with trans people, go figure.

    Crossdressing and general femme presentation is way more acceptable with furries, and I have to figure this comes partly from the fact that furries are basically nerdy queers, so guys who have "failed" masculinity on some level, even compared to other gays. And also, furries are almost always into anime, and the whole anime culture of cute pretty boys and "traps" (I won't discuss the appropriateness of the word, just saying it's a thing furries tend to like). So it's very…not masc4masc.

    And then on the afab side you have transformative fandom, with crossplayers (usually girls or afab nbs dressed as pretty boys, and very often as couples!) and BL and fanfiction oh my. I'm so used to being on fandom discords where everyone is queer and androgyny is king, when I come out into the mainstream culture I get this whiplash of like, oh wait, Normies Aren't Into This(!). It's easy to forget that when your entire subculture is so OK with androgyny and gender bending…

  59. OOF. Being a dirty secret really hits home it's the story of many of my experiences with men. For reference I am a dark skin cis black woman from a surprisingly segregated city in Maryland. It hurts in a way that's hard to explain but you really captured it

  60. Its also the aspect that gay men who haven't felt love in their life, and behavioral want to be in control of situations. The desire for lust over men who are also inexperienced. This almost predatory attitude can sit in a lot of people who truly feel lonely and insecure. Because it manifest inside, you can see this example similarly with the incel community. This doesn't just keep with one sexuality, however have different situations, yet behavioral very abnormal.

  61. I agree with Kat in the sense that if you deal with people who are experimenting, they are still trying to come to their own. You can’t expect them to be committed to you when you are their experiment. I heard some lesbians talk about this – learn from the wise women!!

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