How “Passing” Complicates Dating as a Trans Woman

How “Passing” Complicates Dating as a Trans Woman


To be clear. When I meet somebody, I don’t initially tell
them that I’m trans. Even when I know someone is interested in
me, I don’t initially tell them that I’m trans. When I establish a mutual thing, that’s generally
when I tell them, that I’m transgender, you know? And another layer that I didn’t mention is
that going into these trans spaces, it was also weird because people didn’t, um, a lot
of men thought I was just cis girl that was hanging up, hanging out with the Trans Club. And because of that, they weren’t very interested
in me. [Music] Hey guys, it’s Kat and it’s time for another episode of True Tea. I want to thank you guys so much for joining
me for this video. I really appreciate the fact that you guys
have been really leaving some fun and interesting comments on all these videos. I really just genuinely from the bottom of
my heart want to thank all the people who come through every single week with a perspective. You know, a lot of you guys challenge me. A lot of you guys make me think, you know,
a lot of you guys drag me and you correct me and you’re telling me that I’m wrong and
I love that. I really do appreciate it. Um, and I’ve been learning so much about you
guys. You guys have been learning so much about
me and you know, this channel for me is all about learning, sharing and growing and I
know that it’s been all over the place. My channel’s been all over the place. I think like some people watching this video
right now might be watching this video after watching the video essay that I just put out
about the rebranding of white nationalism, um, and so they might be kind of like surprised
by this sort of content. But I just wanted to thank you for sticking
around and for continuing, you know, to, to stick with me through this video. And if you’re new, I think you guys should
subscribe. We upload videos here at least every week. That is the only promise that I can make. We upload videos at least a week, every single
week here. I think that’s repetitive. We upload videos at least once a week on this
channel. So, hey join us, we like to learn, share and
grow here. So anyway, we’re going to be having an interesting
conversation. Um, one that I do not know where it’s going
to go. I, you know, sometimes that’s how these things
start. So like as usual, I always suggest that you
guys go to your kitchen and grab yourself a glass of tea. Personally, I am drinking fermented grape
tea. I’m drinking some wine again tonight. I know, I know I shouldn’t, I should be sober
for these videos, but I’m about to go out. Obviously if you can’t tell and you know,
I want to pre party a little bit. You know, mommy needs her special juice. Um, this is boxed wine. I recently got a big thing, a box. I’ve never drink boxed wine before, but when
I read on the side that it was 32 glasses in one thing, I was like, you know what? For $5 bitch for $5. Look, I’m broke. Okay, I’ll take it anyway. Let’s, let’s take a sip and let’s get into
this conversation. Let’s say a big sip for this
mmm… tastes like box wine. So I want to talk to you guys about something
that has been on my mind a lot recently and one of the reasons why I want to talk about
this is because, you know, I, I know that there are a lot of people out there who share
my experiences, but sometimes when I go through certain things I kind of do feel very alone,
you know, and I feel like I’m in this weird, unique, complicated, almost, um, contradictory
situation, and I really want it to sort of share that with you guys because it’s, it’s
been making for some nteresting experiences to say the least. I wanted to talk to you guys about how passing
has made dating a little complicated for me. Now I know that every single video I do on
this channel is about dating. I know I keep wanting to make videos, about
other stuff that I promise you guys, I do have more things to talk about, but, um, it’s
just this is what my life is right now. You know, I’m single in LA. I’m cute. You know, what do you want? I just, I’m, I’m dating a lot and in dating
I’ve been thinking about a lot of stuff. There are so many conversations within dating
and so, you know, I will be making videos about other things. I don’t want True Tea to just be me bitching
and moaning about dating, but it is relevant and it has been making me think a lot about
myself and different things. Right? So yeah, that was the disclaimer. I have to, I have to do at least one every
true tea episode. That was the disclaimer for this video. So talking about passing has always been kind
of complicated. I mean, you guys know I’ve been on youtube
since I was 15 years old, which means that I transitioned on Youtube. Now most of you guys who have been following
me, you were not around for that at all. You know, the vast majority of you mean like
something like someone commented on my video the other day. It was like, I’ve been following you since
you were in orange county. Um, by the time I had gotten to Orange County,
I was post transition. So I had been, you know… That’s not when it started. Okay. I started, you know, way, way, way back in
my hometown and you know, I was in my room, you know, at home and I was going through
all these things and you know, when I have this open dialogue with Youtube early on about,
you know, my life and stuff, there wasn’t a big, like youtube wasn’t what it was today. It was very small and insular. And you know, when I started to sort of recognize
that I was passing, I brought it to youtube and I, you know, would have like very small
group of people who were following me come and sort of share their opinions. Right? And I want to make this very clear. Let’s like just get this out of the way right
up front, just, just, just, just right away here. Disclaimer, number two. Now I’m allowing you guys to get an, you know,
some sort of insight into my life and my experiences, right? But I want to make it very clear that I am
sharing with you guys… Um, I am definitely at a point in life where
I don’t really feel the need to like fabricate stories or tell stories, you know, more fancifully. Um, I understand that everyone’s going to
have an opinion about my life, but understand that my experiences are my experiences and
that’s that, you know, and I’m only that up because a lot of times when I talk about passing,
I will inevitably get the comments of, “Oh, Kat, you know, you look just like a man. ”
“You’ll look literally like I’m at. Like, who would ever know that? You know, you”… “Who would ever not know that you’re trans… Like you’re obviously, you know, a big old
tranny. “You know, like that’s the kind of comment
I get when I talk about passing, you know, and I’ll get, get back later to how that comment
has made me feel through being on youtube. But I want to make it clear that even though
I got a youtube channel, even though I’ve, you know, I’m not an unknown person, right? Um, my experience is that I “pass”, right? My experience is that most people in most
spaces do not know that I am transgender. Um, and that’s not something that I, you know,
pat myself on the back for that’s not something that I think makes me amazing or whatever. It is just my experience. And I’ve always had a really hard time talking
about that with you guys because I know that talking about the experience of a trans person
who passes, especially complaining about the complexities of it comes off as very privileged. And I want to say up front that I am very
privileged, you know, um, regardless of what trolls say online about how I look, I know
that passing privilege does come with privileges. I know that there are many ways in which my
life is easier in some ways because people look at me, assume my gender and tend to assume
correctly. I know that that has made my situation a little
easier, right? But I wanted to sort of talk to you guys about
a really just interesting, weird sort of thing I’m experiencing right now. So disclaimer, number two! So, um, one of the things I’ve always resented,
okay, is the idea that I…I’ve always really resented the idea that people know my life
story based on facts about me. You know, that means when people assume things
about me on the basis of me being a woman, that means when people assume things about
me on the basis of me being black. That means when people assume things about
me on the basis of me being trans, right? So inherently as a person, I’ve always sort
of fought to very individually define myself as somebody who is my own person. Right? I don’t like having to answer for all of the
various stereotypes that are projected onto me cause that cause at the end of the day,
those things have nothing to do with me. Right. Um, and with that attitude, I’ve definitely
lived in a way where I do not segregate myself to certain places because of who I am. Right? So for example, tonight I’m going to, if you
can’t tell already, I’m going to a goth club, right? I have in my time just kind of jumping in
and out of different scenes and sort of, you know, figuring out where I fit and things
like that. I’ve, I’ve recognized that I appreciate a
space, like a goth club because we’re all coming together for, you know, the shared
celebration and interest in dark music and, you know, dark fashion. That’s kind of what a lot of us are doing. You know, we’re there for the music, right? Which means that in that group you have a
bunch of different types of people. You’ve got your trans people, you’ve got your
queer people, you’ve got your straight people, you’ve got your people of color, you know,
you’ve got all different types of people all coming together to celebrate one sort of thing. And so I’ve never really truly been that into
going to a place because it’s black going to a place because it’s trans going to place,
you know, I’ve never really been that sort of person. Okay. Um, and so that’s kind of why some of these
conversations have become interesting to me because I’ve sort of recognized how much my
perspectives and experiences have been effected by me sort of just going through life, not
feeling like I need to be push- pushing myself into one category or another or one space
or another. Right. Um, so when I was younger, right, um, I didn’t
quite feel this, that this way, you know, I definitely felt this desire to have community. This is our, to have comrade, this desire
to sort of meet other trans people and be around people who like trans people. Right. And I’m going to be kind of vague about this. I don’t want the details about this aren’t
important. If you’ve been following me for awhile, you
probably already know about this, this, this situation in my life. But, um, I was in a situation where it was
pretty common for you to meet men. Um, I was going to these parties and going
to these spaces where it’s pretty common for you to meet men who were actively interested
in transgender women. Right? Um, and you know, this was when I was like
18. Okay. So I was, you know, early stages of my transition
still sort of trying to find my sense of self. Um, still sort of searching, right? And in that search I want it to feel part
of a community. Right? And so I became part of this community and
even though a lot of aspects of that community, were very toxic. For me at the end of the day where I was at
that time, it definitely felt good for me to be around people. Right? But in that community, you experience a lot
of really interesting things, you know, um, because it’s a space that is dominated by,
you know, uh, trans and, and femme people. Um, and the men who like those people. There’s a lot of different little complicated
little things that happen now with the scene that I was part of. I would say. And this is another conversation I want to
make it really clear that I don’t think I’m better or worse than anybody. I just want to, there’s different, there’s
certain differences right. Within this scene that I was part of. It was definitely… Like if there were 50 people in the room,
right? And there, um, you know, and we could like
break it up by who’s who you had, I would say maybe like 30, 30 men who like Trans Women,
right? 30 men, you’d have like 15 people who were
anywhere from, you know, um, cross dresser to transvestite, you know, just kind of all
these different types of who they weren’t this way, all of their lives and every space. But they really got excited to come to this
space and be that way because that was, uh, it’s a haven for them. It is a safe space where they can express
themselves and also, you know, be around people who appreciate them. Right. And that was kind of the situation. Right? Um, and then you had like five, you know,
five people in that room who were probably trans woman. Right. Um, and there was always this weird like competition
thing that was always happening between, you know, the various different, you know, Trans
Feminine People, you know, um, if you got the attention to the man that meant that you
were everything, you know, and the Trans Community, we say fishy, you know, if a man gave, gave,
gave you attention, that meant that you were fishy. And I’m not gonna, we’re not gonna get into
colloquialisms and problematic language in this video. Leave a comment about it, I’ll approve it,
but we’re just, um, I’m trying to be real okay. And in the communities, that is what we say. We can criticize the language, but I’m gonna
still use it to talk about this topic. So anyway, um, that’s, we call it. And so like, if a man gave you attention,
that really meant something. And when I was younger, um, and I was so insecure
and I didn’t really like myself, I really felt like when men gave me attention that
like meant something, you know, a man expressing interest in me. A man expressing attraction to me. That meant that I was the woman. I mean, why would this man, you know, communicate
to me that was interested in me if he didn’t think that I was a woman, you know? And that- and so it meant a lot. And you know, and, and as I got a little older,
as I grew up, as I started to really see certain things for what it was, I started to recognize,
and I know this is going to be a controversial thing to say that a lot of men will fuck anything. And so it’s really silly to um, base your
worth on what a man wants to fuck. Because even though, yes, I do agree that,
you know, the idea that men are just always looking Dah, Dah, Dah, Dah is just not right
in this community. These men were thirsty. I mean, you have these guys who would talk
about, you know, they only want, you know, the most passable, most feminine, you know,
most fishy girl in the room. And that’s not who they go after. You know? And that was another thing is you’d have these
men who, you know, on the one hand had all of these high, high, high, high, high, high
standards for passing and the way that you dress and the way that you did this. And we did that. Um, you know, but whether or not they actually
felt that way. Mm. You know, and for a lot of men who come to
these things, a lot of these men, they come wanting to experience something with a transgender
woman. You know, they come wanting to, to have that
experience. And so when they walk in the room, and the
vast majority of the Trans Feminine People There are not transgender women, I feel like
they open their minds up a little bit more and they try to figure out, you know, what
they’re doing, you know? Um, but anyway, the men who were always in
this community, we’re always kind of the same sort of person. You know, they were generally very discreet,
generally very down low, generally didn’t want anybody to know what they were doing
or what their interests were. You know, these were the kinds of men who
were not comfortable with people knowing that they had an attraction to transgender women. Right. And for me personally, at a certain point,
that started to become an issue because I started to recognize that I didn’t want to
have these men give me attention in this one small, shallow space. Um, I wanted somebody who was proud of me
in all spaces, you know, who wasn’t ashamed to be with me, you know? And so I kind of made a decision and I can
do a whole video about down low men and things like that you guys want. Um, but, um, I made a decision at a certain
point in life that I was not going to deal with those men anymore. You know, I kinda said to myself, oh, the
man can’t sit, you know, at a bar with me and have a drink. Why would I ever give them access to my body? You know what I mean? Um, and so that’s kind of what the standard
that I set for myself. That’s kind of what I said. And then once I set that standard, my relationships
in dating became better. And that’s eventually when I met my ex and
we were in a relationship for five years. Now, the reason why this is coming up right
now for me and my life is I’m in a new, completely different phase of life, a phase I never thought
I would ever be in. You know, because I, in my last relationship
just swore that I was going to be married, just swore that we were going to be monogamous
just swore that that would be my end all be all right. But now I’m in this completely new situation
in life and a lot of me walking away from the previous community that I was part of
really did coincide with my, um, my goal of being stealth. Which for those of you guys who don’t know
what stealth is, stealth is basically when you live in a way where the people around
you do not know that you’re transgender. Right? And so for me it was really important for
me to, to reach that. And so part of that for me was distancing
myself from that community. Right. And so, um, that was sort of my experience,
right. Um, and meeting my ex definitely sort of pushed
me further and further and further and further and further away from associating with that
community or being part of that sort of scene. Um, and just kind of being part of a general,
you know, normative, you know, Hetero scene. Right. And that was kind of just how I was it. Right. Um. So now being single again, I’m, I’m in this
really interesting space where I very solidly feel more comfortable and more at ease at
more general types of places. You know, I guess a lot of my gay friends
would call them straight clubs and straight bars. You know, my friend and I, we went to um,
oh, we went to this karaoke bar and she is bi, but definitely is a little bit, she’s
like 100% way more into women. And we went to this karaoke bar and it was
like a loud boisterous sorta thing, you know, people were just raw, Raw Ryan. And I’m sitting there, I’ve got a big old
smile on my face, I’m having a great time. And she turns me and she says, this is far
too heterosexual. And that’s just like, but that’s the sort
of space that I really feel comfortable in. And one thing that’s becoming really obvious
to me, um, you know, as you know, when I moved to La I was, I’ve been able to spend more
time with some of my LGBT friends and a lot of those people, a lot of them… wow “Those people”… A lot of my LGBT friends, they don’t go places
that aren’t LGBT. And that’s also made me think about other
layers of privilege that I have. You know, I travel a lot. I’ve never looked into, you know, LGBT accommodations. I’ve never looked into whether or not a place
is or isn’t accepting of someone like me because passing has made it so that I just sort of
fade away into the background. And people don’t really think of me as anything
other than just a woman and assume that I’m straight and it’s correct, you know? And so it’s that weird thing where I’m kind
of recognizing that I kind of live in a very different way. You know, while yes, I may be transgender,
I’m very straight, I call myself tragically heterosexual. Not because being straight is like tragic,
but because it, I, I definitely put my, I definitely live and maintain a certain space. That is definitely, I think too, a lot of
my LGBT friends not nearly as fun. Right. So anyway, um, that’s Kinda how I live my
life. You know, I don’t really separate myself. Right. And so what that has meant for me being in
Los Angeles is that I go out to these different places. I’m an incredibly social person, I have a
lot of friends and inevitably I meet a guy. We flirt, we connect, you know, he asks me
out on a date, you know, I may or may not say yes. And then we have to have that interesting
thing. Now the problem that I have obviously in these
spaces is that generally speaking, when men flirt with me, when men hit on me, women ask
me out on a date. They generally do not know that I’m transgender,
you know? And that has been another source of a lot
of anxiety for me because I’m kind of trying to be social. And then in some of the places I go, they
are very geared towards dating and in some spaces like go to, there is sort of the benefit
of, you know, we all are connected on, you know, a website that says everything about
us. And so I can just give somebody my website
thing and they can read that I’m trans there. Um, you know, or it can tell them and I kind
of have a thing honestly where, because I really don’t like people making all these
assumptions about me on the basis of me being trans, I tend to not always like I have this,
this almost automatic like thing that like, I don’t even know how to describe it, but
it prevents me from always saying that I’m trans and it’s not because I’m ashamed, but
it’s just because I mean you guys have to understand a transition when I was 16, you
know, I’m 28 now. I don’t really have, um, it’s hard for me
to feel like it’s a thing that needs to be brought up. You know? I definitely think it’s an important discussion
to have when we talk about dating and relationships and intimacy. I’ve said it before, but I do not want to
be with a man who doesn’t want to like be, he doesn’t want to with a trans woman. You know, that’s not something that excites
me. I’m a huge fan of having good sex. So I definitely prefer to be with men who
have experience, who definitely know what they want and know what they’re doing. I don’t like to teach people I’m a very submissive
person sexually. I don’t, I’m not, you know, if you don’t know
how to do it, we’re not doing it. Okay. Um, but, but that’s sort of my thing. Right. And then of course, when you’re in that situation
where your in a more general straight space and you’re being hit on by these men and then
you’re eventually telling them that you’re trans, more often than not, these men have
had no experience with transgender women. And I definitely ended up in a place right
now, oh, this is a sermon that I can tell another day where I really don’t believe in
being with men who don’t know what they want. There’s never been a time in my life where
I have given a man a chance, right. Where I have been patient with him, open minded
with him, and I have allowed him to sort of use me as a figuring out, you know, springboard
and it’s ever been beneficial to me. Never. Okay. So, that being said, I’m definitely not in
that space. But at the same time, I do recognize that
most men have never had experiences with transgender women. Most men have never been in that situation. Most men just do not know, will never know
until they know, you know? And so I’ve had to sort of be a little bit
more delicate. I’ve had to sort of be a little bit more thoughtful
and understand and accept that, you know, if I have that hard standard of them only
gonna ever be with men who, who know, they like Trans Women, that’s a very, that’s an
even smaller pool of people who want to date. Right? So I’ve had to learn to be a little bit patient,
right? But to be honest with you guys, this is a
really big source of anxiety for me because I don’t like, you know what’s really hurtful? Um, it’s really painful and this is something
I could talk about in another video maybe. But like I, I’ve been experiencing this thing
a lot where men are attracted to me. They love my personality, they love everything
about me. They want to be around me. They’re eager to spend time around me. You know, they love the little vibe or the
connection that we have, but they can’t get past the trans thing. And when you’re in that situation where you
connect with someone so much and you connect with someone so well, but they just can’t
accept you, it’s soul crushing because you see what you could have if you were cis. Right? And I’m never going to be cis, you know? And so it is a little frustrating for me to
be in that situation and it’s even more frustrating when I’m in certain spaces that are, you know,
more sex positive and more kink centric because you have these people who approach you and
they’re very excited to talk to you and you know, be a little naughty with your or whatever. But then there’s that sort of line that that
gets drawn up when they know that you’re trans. Um, and that has been really hard for me to
stomach. And so my reaction to that has been to dip
my toes back into these trans spaces. Now the, now here’s the thing about these
trans spaces. You know, I had been in them since I was like
21, I’m 28 right now. And I was a very, very different person at
21, you know, 18 year old me did not know what they wanted, did not like themselves
a lot, really had a poor self image. Right. Um, and because of that, allowed themselves
to get into a lot of things that were probably not the best for them. Okay. And so, um, that’s sort of where I started
and that is my memory of the space. And so a lot of my memories of how the girls
interact with each other are very much influenced by that. You know, now I’m 28 years old, I’ve already
proven to myself that I deserve love and respect that, you know, it is possible for me to maintain
a relationship and that I have more to offer to a man than some discreet, you know, back
alley sex, you know. Um, and so I walk into this community with
a sense of pride and a sense of self security and it’s a very different world. It’s a very, very different world. The first way in which it’s super, super different
is a lot of spaces that I, um, that I frequent are very consent driven, are very consent
centric. You know, when I’m at, you know, sort of a
naughty kinky party, right? That’s more of a general sort of space of
people, which by general usually very straight, right. Um, it’s really understood that you don’t
just walk up and touch somebody, you know, that’s like a really hard line understood
thing. You know, men do not just walk up and touch
women. That’s just not something that is accepted. Right. But in these trans spaces…. Let me tell you, I mean I walk in and guys
are grabbing at my, I don’t even know who the hell you are, sir. So I don’t know you. But men are like grabbing onto my my arm and
shit and I got to push people away from me. Um, you know, it’s a lot of that energy, and
the thing that’s so messed up about that is that in that community, a lot of these people,
and I know this sounds like shade, but if you’re trans, I know you, you know what I’m
talking about. A lot of these people, they are so stuck in
this idea that their bodies are what they have to offer. That the sex someone has to offer them as
validation that they are so eager to respond. And I’ll be completely honest, and you guys,
this is going to sound so mean, but like the quality of men in those spaces… Not great. Not, not saying that there aren’t awesome
guys in those spaces, but like not great. These are usually men again who are discreet,
right, who are um, you know, very…shifty. You know, often these guys are like married
and stuff, you know? Um, but you see these girls like push other
girls out of the way just to know, make sure that they get the attention. And for a lot of men, especially a lot of
straight men, they’re never in a situation where they walk in a room and women are just
like, you know, that’s not, that’s not the general thing. You know women, typically cis women, are usually
pretty protective of their bodies and therefore aren’t going to just throw themselves at any
guy who sort of gives them attention. But that’s not really the case in these spaces. And so that was really jarring for me to observe
because that’s definitely not where I am. You know, I’m not gonna bend over backwards
for a guy. It’s just not what I’m going to do, you know? And even at these spaces, like I know this
might shock you, but like the girls are so catty. But like, like any, yes, cis women are catty
with each other. Yes. That’s a thing. But it’s like a weird, it’s a little different
because I definitely… and this is another conversation we can have, because one thing
I’m noticing with girl, I’m 28 years old. Okay. And one thing I don’t believe in doing any
more in life is competing with women for a man. Girl. I’m just so beyond that, I’m just, oof, that’s
a whole other conversation because I do experience that energy among, you know, with cis women,
you know, when I’m in, you know, a more general sort of space. Like yes, there’s sometimes is that vibe. Yes. Or sometimes it is, but it’s a very different
thing with trans women because it’s this like almost degree of rudeness. Like, like I was just out of things the other
night where I was talking to this guy and this girl like basically pushes me out of
the way and you know, gives him attention because I was definitely being very reserved
because I’m not just gonna like throw myself at a guy just because he’s there, you know,
he was probably a little bit more excited for the girl who was throwing herself at,
at, at, you know him. Than he was with me and so he went off. But it was like so rude. Like as a thing that like I wouldn’t really
experience, you know, in a more heterosexual space I guess you could say is, I mean, or
I don’t even know how to describe, I guess I say heterosexual space isn’t the right term,
but you know what I mean, like a non trans centric space. Like that’s not really something I would experience,
you know, um, very, very different. And so the energy, right. And the few times I’ve actually connected
with a guy in those spaces, we start talking and they’re all discreet. And you know, when I was younger and I didn’t,
I didn’t look as cute as I do now. Um, I think I had a little bit more patience
for men who were in that position. I think I had a little bit more, a little
bit more understanding of men in that position. But now it’s like, I, I know I’ve said this
like five times in this video, but like, I’m cute, you know, so… And not just to say I’m cute, but I’m very
used to going out, you know, like I’m super used to going to dinner, going to movies. You know, going to events, meeting your meeting
people’s friends, like I’m used to that, that, that is my normal, my normal is not being
someone’s secret play thing. My normal is going out. Not having people not being with people that
are ashamed with me. I’m, I, I, I’m a very social person and it,
but like this got me thinking a lot because I think some of those girls in those spaces,
because maybe there aren’t they, they’re not in the same spaces that I’m in. I think that they accept that. They accepted that the discrete guy who’s
not really wanting to do that. Whereas I’ve definitely kind of got to a point
where I was like, I’m not gonna put up with that. You know? And it made me really think about what reality
must be like for people who keep themselves in those spaces, who say that they need to
remain in a trans space and not go into a more general space. Like they, they have this thing that prevents
them from actually understanding that they deserve to also be treated with respect and
take it out if that’s what they want. You know? Um, because, you know, when I was younger,
I would often go to these, these, these trans parties thinking I was going to find the man
of my dreams, thinking I was going to fall in love with someone, you know? And that just never happened because these
men weren’t there for that. These men were there because they wanted to
have a transgender experience. Um, and a lot of those men, they compartmentalize
it and they don’t really want you in any other space in their life. You know, they don’t really want you to be
the girl they see at the bar. They don’t really want you to be the girl
that they take to the movies. The girl that they take to dinner, they want
to be the, they want you to be the girl who they have sex with and fulfill their little
kink on the side, you know, that’s who they want. Um, and I know that I’m d-… like I know
that I’m privileged and I know that passing gives me the privilege for men to feel more
comfortable taking me out and things like that. I do understand that, but I, I do wonder to
some degree if those girls also said, hey, I deserve to be treated with respect because
the way these girls act around these guys, it’s like they are just the cream of the crop
and they’re not, they’re not, you know, again, like a lot of these guys are married, cheating,
you know, doing all types of shady shit. They would never- like, it’s weird cause like,
and I’m saying that because I’ve had, I’ve connected with like three different dudes
from, from these parties, you know, recently and every last one of them when I say, hey,
we should get a drink sometime it’s just like, oh, um, uh…. You know, they don’t want to do it because
they’re discreet, you know? And for me it’s, it’s interesting because
I have a lot of confidence in what I look like. I have a lot of confidence in my passing ability
or whatever. Um, that I know that it’s kind of irrational
for them to think that they’re going to take me out on a date and everyone’s gonna be looking
at them. You know, cause there was a trans person,
like that’s not a real fear, but it’s real to them, you know, it’s real to them. Um, and that makes it really kind of frustrating
for me. You know, so I’m in that, this weird sort
of space where being in the places that I, I socialize inherently, you know, I’m going
to meet a lot of people who find me attractive, who, who do think I’m interesting, who do,
you know, probably want to pursue something with me that, that don’t know that I’m transgender,
but have to like work themselves up to accepting that I’m trans, you’re right. So the people who are willing to give me the
sort of treatment that I deserve and that I kind of demand, those are people that I’m
going to have to work through towards helping accept me. And if there’s one thing I, I would hope you
guys have picked up through these videos is that I don’t do not believe and convincing
somebody that I’m worth it as this, I’m super allergic to that. Sorry. You know, super allergic to it. Can’t do it. Didn’t get the vaccine, not gonna, you know… Not going to do that. You know, I just really, I don’t want to put
up with that, you know? Um, I don’t believe in trying to convince
somebody that I’m worth it. So it’s that weird thing that I have to do
when I’m in those spaces. But then on the flip side, if I’m with these
men who like trans women, generally speaking, they’re going to be discreet. They’re gonna to be afraid of people knowing
that they’re like a trans person. You know? I mean, in reality, you know, the only real
fear someone has to have with going out with me in terms of me getting clocked is that
I’m a relatively well known trans blogger. You know, that’s, that’s truly the only fear. That’s genuinely the only real thing they
would have to be nervous about is like someone recognizing me. But I wouldn’t want to date somebody like
that. I don’t want to date somebody who was like
worried about people not liking my blog. You know what I mean? Like it’s weird. I would rather not. Um, but yeah, I want to show that with you
guys because it’s just, it’s put me in a really weird situation because I don’t want to date
or be around people. I got to convince I’m allergic to it. Don’t want to do it. At the same time, dating men who do like Trans
Woman, it, it presents a whole list of issues that I don’t even want to deal with anymore,
you know? Um, and you know, to be fair, I’m kind of
over dating. I made a mistake of undeleting my okcupid
page… It’s been nothing but… It’s been nothing but drama. And so now it’s deleted and probably for good. So,
yeah. Anyway, I really would love to hear what you
guys have to say about this. I know that sometimes when I talk about passing,
I talk about this. It’s not um, a narrative that a lot of people
can identify with. But this is like a weird place that I’m in
in life and I just, I don’t know. I would really like to know what you guys
think because to be clear, when I meet somebody, I don’t initially tell them that I’m trans. Even when I know someone is interested in
me, I don’t initially tell them that I’m trans. When I establish a mutual thing, that’s generally
what I tell them that I’m transgender, you know. And another layer that I didn’t mention is
that going into the trans spaces, it was also weird because people didn’t, um, lot of men
thought I was just cis girl that was hanging out, hanging out at the Trans Club and because
of that they weren’t very interested in me. That was the, that’s the one thing I saw so
clearly this time around was that these men are there for trans women. Okay. They aren’t even really that interested in
like the few because there are sometimes a few cis girls in that space, they want a trans
girl. And so it was that weird sort of feeling of
feeling almost a little invisible in this space that’s supposed to be for trans people. And then at the same time over here in the
space as I generally, you know, populate feeling like I’m this complex thing that has to be
explained and then accepted, you know, and I don’t really like either of these feelings
or experiences. So I’m curious if anyone has had to, you know,
navigate around this. This is truly one of those, those conversations
where I do, I would really just love to read the comments on this because I, there have
to be other people who had been my situation. You know, where I am now in life. It’s like I just can’t justify being in those
sorts of spaces to be honest. Um, I feel like an intruder in most queer
spaces… maybe we can do a whole video about that at another, at another point. But yeah, so I don’t populate them very frequently,
you know what I mean? So I don’t know. Anyway, I need to go. Thank you guys so much for watching this video. I really appreciate you sticking through to
the end right now. You guys are seeing two awesome, true tea
videos that you can watch after this video. If you want to stick on this channel and keep
watching true t, you know, we talk about a lot of fun and interesting and weird things
here and always remember that you guys can always leave, you know, a suggestion for a
topic. If you guys have a suggestion, I do listen…
sometimes. So yeah, I will talk to you guys next week. Bye.

100 thoughts on “How “Passing” Complicates Dating as a Trans Woman

  1. I really felt the "feeling like this thing that needs to be explained and then accepted". I'm non-binary, autistic, pan demi (with a significant preference for men, sadly), depressed and just… it feels like I always have to explain myself? That "oh I'm like that bc I'm that". And it's always explaining, always hoping that other person will accept you, and when for once you meet a person who just accepts you without you having to say anything, it feels like you gotta get into this, bc you won't find that ever again? That's my current situation honestly. And it… feels weird and like I'm forcing myself to be in that relationship (but there's A LOT more to it and I'm not getting into the details), so ehhhhhhh. Anyway, great video as always, I love how nuanced all your conversations are.

  2. I'm a cis passing black trans girl (like you) but I do all my dating online, so I rarely go out to these dating spaces(cis or trans). Whats your theory as to why the trans women are more competitive with you for the attention of these dl men as opposed to your experience in the cis spaces?🤔 I have my own theory, but i'd like to hear yours.

  3. I went on a date with a guy who messaged me on meetme and didn't know i was trans. I told him before we met. He met me and he'd compliment me nonstop how fish I look. He also kept trying to find things about me that wasnt passable. It was weird. It's like no matter how fish im perceived, a cis person that knows I'm trans will dissect and observe me it's really toxic. I'm nobody's bitch though I'll call that shit out. I'm a bad bitch at the end of the day trans or not 💯

  4. Every one who claims they'll automatically know, around a bunch of people, they won't. They assume all are transitioning late. I bet straight dudes hit on trans woman in the clubs and don't even KNOW it.

  5. Hopefully one day, we won't be placed on these groups and everyone can go anywhere be normal and living there lives.

  6. 23:20 I feel they may not be able to get past it, because of societal judgement and figuring out that not only straight women attracts them. Internal battle.

  7. Can we please get rid of that "passing" terminology someday?

    "Passing" sounds like some sort of activity — but more often than not we're talking about subjective perceptions of other people, i.e. "being read as cis/trans". In basically every other case we could just say "cis/trans looking" instead of "passing"… I know that's just semantics but I think it's about time that we acknowledge that cis people categorizing other people based on some superficial impression is beyond the direct control of trans people.

    I don't "pass" and I don't "not pass" — different people will always have different perceptions and will put me different boxes… just like some people think I look like a really nice and socially conscious person and other people think I look like I'm a violent bully. The only things I can tell for sure is that…
    a. 99% of all people believe their perception of me is shared by everyone else;
    b. people who tend to read a lot of trans people as trans also tend to falsely read a lot of cis people as trans; and
    c. when drunken male strangers are putting a lot of effort into figuring out whether I'm trans or cis — it's almost always best to deny everything and then get out of there asap.
    (So, it's actually true that I actively lie and deceive people… into letting me go unharmed. I don't owe them any personal information — but I do owe myself to stay safe.)

  8. Girl when you said "goth club" I misheard you and thought you said "Golf club" and tbh I was like "she can pull it off I'm not really surprised about this"

  9. As to that trans spaces, particularly trans women being catty and hogging the spotlight, in my experience (I'm a passing 26 y/o trans woman) it's not just in trans spaces where there are available cis men. I do a lot of activism work and I've noticed the exact same behaviours in younger trans women in those spaces as well. They have to be in charge, they have to be in control, if there is any protest or media they want that camera 👏 on 👏 them 👏! I think its a validation thing. Younger trans people, mostly trans women, in my experience, seem to get a lot of their self worth from those around them. They need that validation and when it comes to dating, the easiest way for bi/pan/straight trans women is cis men but that extends to a lot of other parts of the trans community as well.

    As to the vicious trans people, yeah its cutthroat in trans spaces. A lot of hostile energy and passive aggressive people. I think it comes from a life filled with being on the receiving end of hate and rejection. When everyone around you seems to treat you as an object for ridicule, scorn, sex, or a mix of all three, that can seriousaffectect how you view yourself. It's a deep dark pit to dig yourself out of and it takes years. From someone who is still digging my way out of that hole, its rough as hell.

  10. This has absolutely nothing to do with the video, but I adore your outfit! You look amazing. ♥♥♥

  11. You almost completely neglect trans men in your analysis of most trans related issues, so it makes it harder for me to believe your points. Have you had experiences with trans men? Are they "Man enough" for you, or when you say men, are you only interested in cis men? Please clarify better in the future

  12. Aside: me seeing Jackie Aina as one of your patreons makes me v happy. Thank you for sharing this tea with us Kat!

  13. I like it when you share these things because I feel nosy but I don't ask people this sht cause it's rude.

  14. i love this video so much! u touched on so many things that i've always thought about/experienced when navigating dating as a tgirl

  15. Hi Kat! So I learned that every area of life you look closely into it gets complicated real quick and it comes with its own vocabulary, too …

    I follow some trans people because I like them. I think I would be categorized as mostly hetero cis woman?

    Does it offend if I take the approach: If it talks like a duck, if it walks like a duck, it probably is a duck? So if you look like one gender, sound and feel like that gender and smell like that gender than you probably are that gender.

    Trans is your history. And like any personal history there are those who wear it like a banner, those who hide it and those who are relaxed about it when it comes up. Am I too lazy thinking like that?

    Your video was interesting and fun to watch! Kind regards and thank you very much!

  16. You may have discussed this before, but I'd love to hear your (current) thoughts on nonbinary people, specifically how binary trans people often try to keep them out of trans spaces and conversations.

  17. I appreciate the woman you've grown into. Not just in the literal, but also metaphorically.

    You're unapologetic and self assured. I'm sooo happy to see such a strong woman voicing her opinions and talking about issues that some may stay away from.

    I adore you. Thank you. You make my heart sing. I'm proud of you and inspired by you. 💚

  18. "I do not believe in convincing somebody that I'm worth it… I'm super allergic to that" fuck guess we're all gonna have to force men to do THE WORK so you can have happily ever after. You deserve it.

  19. saying "i'm cute" five times within half an hour is really the best energy for 2k19

    but yeah, i really feel that… god i wish i could word it better but "being a fetish" for others (though in my case for being fat) is really pushing me off from dating, and really makes me question whenever i pick up tindering again if the people i'm swiping want to actually be seen with me outside of the bedroom. like one side of me, the side that wants that validation, is like freaking out because maybe there is hope for me and people can find me hot, but on the other hand i just feel gross and really don't wanna subject myself to that kind of treatment, cus I'M LOVING MYSELF HERE BITCH. if you think i'm gonna swoon at your halfassed compliments you got another goddamn thing coming

  20. This is some good tea, kat. The distinction between trans clubs and kink clubs was really interesting, and definitely something I hadn’t considered before

  21. What if you divided men into "men who are comfortable dating trans women" and "men who are anxious about dating trans women?" The men at those parties may "like" trans women, but they still belong in the category "men who are anxious about dating trans women; men who need to be convinced"

  22. 51 year old guy with a trans friend & trans relative here. For what it's worth, I wouldn't have suspected you were trans for a second. (I mention my age to illustrate that I've known a lot of people and have a fair amount of life experience.)

  23. Girl, bring back Kat Blaque rants! Some of your best, educational videos were on that channel. 😭

  24. “Discreet” is a code word for ashamed of being attracted to trans women. Ain’t nobody got the time!

    Can only speak for myself, but my body is not a source of shame. If a man doesn’t want to worship me—ALL of me—he’s doing me a favor by going off with the women who are there for validation. And yeah, I’m single and beautiful and powerful 💋

  25. Also, Kat! What’s the problem with OkCupid? Can there be a True Tea about dating websites? I have a lot of feelings about this, and OkCupid in my opinion is the best out there (so far).

  26. Loved this video! I think it'd be really interesting to see you make a video about your experiences navigating the 'goth' or alternative scene as a woman of colour and how you got into the fashion and music. Personally, I've always felt kind of put off by the goth/alternative scene because of the lack of representing people of colour. I'm sure it isn't like that as a whole but growing up I found that the punk, goth, scene, emo and many other alternative subcultures didn't appear overly welcoming to people of colour because of how it was portrayed. It's been something I've always been kind of interested in but felt uncomfortable with because I felt I would be judged or told 'you can't be black and alternative'. (Sorry for the ramble Kat)

  27. I relate so much as a bisexual passing trans man. I haven’t had surgery but I’m only out to my good friends so anyone new I meet doesn’t know about my bi trans identities. I’m currently at university so quite a sexual environment and the places I like to go out are very music focused and not queer. But even if I do go to a queer space I’m often just seen as an ally as I pass for a straight man. But when I’m out and I do get into a more sexually charged encounter it’s really stressful because I don’t want to have to tell these women a lot very personal information very quickly and then deal with a lot of rejection.

  28. I am subscribed for a long time.. years.. But I swear that when I subscribed I thought you're a girl and for a long time I didn't know you were trans BTW I miss your glasses 👓

  29. This is really far from my life experiences, but I'm learning so much with you every time. Thank you so much for being so confident that you're not afraid to be vulnerable and genuine with us. I find myself watching religiously every true tea you're putting out there, haha. (And omg, this harness is everything)

  30. As a cisgender person who has dated trans women, I cringe when I hear cismen talking about its ok to date a passable person, as in that if the outside would perceive them as straight. People who are able to live on their terms are going to be the most rewarding to have in your life. Chasers are also a annoying lot too.

  31. Im a straight woman, so Im sure we have many different experiences, but gurl, men are men and "straight or trans" we women have the same issues with men and how they act. We all have to kiss many frogs…

  32. Hey Kat. I have not watched your videos for a long time.. This was a great one. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.. I understood everything you were sharing and even shared some clips of what you said to my boyfriend….But here is the deal. We (Trans women) are a fairly new thing.. A new species of women.. And majority of these men are going to be new to the experience and also not well informed. So there is work to be done. I am speaking from experience. My current boyfriend had only known Trans porn and escorts. But he wanted to know what it was like to date just a regular everyday Trans girl… Then he met me on tinder. At that point I was frustrated with dating and only wanted sex. We had a win win night with each other and I didn't expect to ever hear from him again. But I did… It has been a fucking amazing roller coaster ride. But well worth it. We have both grown together and I have truly figured out what it means for me to be the woman I am. We have to have some mercy on these guys. They have only known Cis women and like it or not we are different from them…These men have to go through a whole finding out what it means to them now dating a Trans woman. Let's face it. Cis women have not done there jobs teaching men how to treat a woman. So we have to deal with all the shit that the Cis women didn't teach, plus the mind fuck they put themselves through making the "switch". So keep your options open. However I do clearly understand the frustration. xoxox

  33. I'm not trans (though I haven't always been cis and I'm not sure the word "cis" objectively fits my situation even now, it's complicated). But, I lived a slightly similar experience as a neurodivergent person (dyssynchronia, autism, dyspraxia, ODD), also with mental health disorders (chronic anxiety and depression + phobias), mild physical health problems and not conventionally good-looking. Oh and I'm unemployed and poor.

    Like, a few people get interested in me on the dating scene but
    1 ) Often for the wrong reasons : they think I'm weak and vulnerable (therefore they hope to dominate me), or that "nobody else will want me, and I must be desperate so I'll accept everything", they want the exoticism, they think they'll "save" me from autism / disability and "teach" me "social skills", and other bullshit reasons.
    2 ) Almost everytime, they don't fully like and accept me as I am, for myself.

    They like BITS of my personality, but hope that I'll change the OTHER parts of me to fit their expectations of a good partner (ie. that I'll change my clothing, work out to become muscular, start making eye contact, force myself to laugh at normal jokes, make small talk, watch the popular TV shows that don't interest me just to fit in, downplay my smarts, magically become able to work, etc).

    They think that beyond my "shell" of autism, neurodivergence and disability, there's a normal person deep down. And they like this imaginary normal person, but not the real actual me. Then, they realize that no, there's no normal person behind, and so they shaft me.

    An ex, I feel that he also wanted someone that would socially "blend" (when confronted with his family and friends and coworkers), and look like a normal partner. He kept me around for months while dating others, more normal people, and always prioritizing them, while gaslighting me with the "We're poly" card.

    Also, as a neurodivergent and disabled person, I was often desexualized by everyone. People tended to either
    1 ) assume I'm ace and aro (they didn't know those words but implicitly it was that) and look down on me for that (with condescension)
    2 ) Assume I was aro-ace and try to push me into straight dating and relationships, because not having sex was a tragedy in their eyes (while superficially pretending I was straight)
    3 ) Assume that nobody would ever be interested in me, and in high school, the very concept of someone dating me was a joke in itself.
    By the way I was also implicitly put outside the "girls" and "boys" groups, and could never be acknowledged as masculine or androgynous (or feminine), simply by being neurodivergent. In the pyramid of power there were normal men, then normal women, then a few effeminate men (who were at least tolerated by other men and had a place among women, even if they were not respected as "true men") and butch women. Those people had a subaltern place but were an established, known and vaguely tolerated archetype. And then there were the true others, the true freaks : the fat dyslexic girl, the "retarded" students (who were either considered as dumb children even as teens or as creepy), and me.

    The fact I was desexualized and that I was excluded from established gender categories and archetypes, went hand in hand.

    So, even though I'm not all that interested in intimate relationships (I might be demi or grey ace and aro, somewhere on the A spectrum), I wanted for years to prove myself that yes I can seduce, please, date and fuck with people, including normal people (ie. neurotypical, able bodied, cis people). Which led to relations with people who didn't fully liked me for me, or feared to lose social capital if they had a relationship with me, or were there for the wrong reasons

  34. Most men don’t know, will never know, until they know- you know?

    I think this is one of my favourite lines.

  35. I think a video on "down low men" would be great, they can be a pain to deal with but it's important to have content that speaks out to them and makes them more comfortable with their sexuality.

  36. This is my first time finding out you are trans, having watched other videos by you, and this is not a joke. I read the video and I was thinking 'Oh boy, the trans community is going to drag this woman for talking about things she has never experienced'. Fuck.

  37. When I first followed you for your takes on racial issues a few years ago, I had no idea that you were trans

  38. The fuck? Why are people so worried about being seen with a trans person, whether or not they "pass"? I'm too pan for this. I love you, but I have difficulty understanding monosexuals sometimes.

  39. I didn't realise you were transgender. Not that it's important I just mean when I saw your video on left-wing youtube being dominated by white youtube creators, I just thought gorgeous lady!!

  40. Girl I've been stealth my whole transition and I've never felt connected with the LGBTQ++++++ community. It's so foreign to me and I've tried to make myself be more open to that community but there's so much F#%k Shizzz that goes on in that community I'm almost embarrassed to say I'm a part of it. I feel you on feeling stuck between your "hetero normative" life and being trans. I get alot of attention from guys in trans spaces and just in general I'm extremely pretty and get hit on all the time but I'm still single. I've been single for 8 years now I know crazy. I've definitely noticed that I've known trans girls that were less pretty then me and looked more trans then me and get way more attention from certain guys and in hetero spaces I get attention till its public knowledge I'm trans. It's like a weird dont ask dont tell policy with heterosexual men in open normal spaces when it comes to me. So its been extremely hard for me to date at all and I have no idea where to go to date now. Oh I'm also post op and have been fired most of my transition. That's also another issue I face is from being post op where guys want that full trans experience and wont even bother with me BECAUSE I'm post op. Anywho I wrote that all to say I feel you girl being trans is complicated as fuck.lol

  41. I'd be interested to hear your opinions on queer spaces, and feeling as though you don't belong. I definitely feel as though I don't belong in queer spaces, partially from being driven out of one, partially from seeming to be passing, but also because I'm an introvert, and they typically have incredibly clique-ish vibes that I don't want to interfer or interact with.

  42. 36:55 I think comparing these two sides of 'being invisible' vs 'a complex thing that needs to be explained and then accepted' is probably a good one line that I understood and agreed with. Like a eureka moment.

  43. It’s your voice. It’s a feminine voice. That’s one of the reasons no one suspects you may be a trans. I’m surprised that a trans woman can have such a naturally feminine voice like yours. And you have a GREAT speaking voice.

  44. Hey. Just started watching your channel Kat. I think you definitely pass. In fact I had zero idea you were trans. You're beautiful.

  45. I'm really glad you touched on this. I am a transexual woman, like you i never really talk about being trans with people when we first meet. Living a "tragic" hetero life has its perks but can feel lonely sometimes. I hated dating because alot of men usually are introduced to us through porn or frequenting "trans bars" etc. The annoying part is when you have to out yourself, they immediately start to ask inappropriate things about your body or sexual things you could do.. If trans women in these spaces practiced some self love, their wouldn't be this type of behavior. To many trans girls act like they are better but forget, they are just a number to some of these guys… Anyways, thank you for sharing you are super awesome and ive been following you since you lived in your hometown aspiring to make "childrens books".

  46. Why is my overarching feeling like maybe you should become a promoter? LOL I feel like you could create a very unique, very fun, "come as you are and be respectful" kind of space that you don't seem to be finding. Just a thought…..

  47. Wow okay, I loved watching this. My experience is very different, as a cis girl dating another cis girl. But I’ve had some similar thoughts recently, specifically about men in “straight bars” flirting with me while my girlfriend is Literally holding my hand and dancing with me. I have friends who are butch lesbians and deal with harassment and have major fear about going to straight bars, meanwhile I feel like a str8 chameleon which is super privileged but at the same time feels invalidating. My girlfriend and I are pretty straight passing,(aka we have long hair and wear skirts sometimes) but to any keen observer it’d be clear that we’re a couple. Both of us love going out to gay bars in Chicago together, but we went on a vacation to Nashville recently and we ran into a bit of a roadblock from TRULY enjoying ourselves as a couple because straight guys would see us at the bar and start to chat us up, and try to dance with us. At first we thought it was funny, but after a while it became really frustrating because I felt like my girlfriend and I couldn’t enjoy ourselves as much compared to if we were in an LGBTQ+ bar. I dunno, it just felt so weird. Every now and then I’d tell a guy I had a girlfriend if he seemed progressive, but for the most part I was afraid to tell these guys “my girlfriends over there”

  48. Been thinking about this a lot lately.

    Being online so often can really negatively polarise your perspective of people and how they interact with non-cis folk in real life, so I feel obligated to nonchalantly disclose ASAP that I'm transgender with people who I may interact with more directly in my day to day life, yet part of me inside says "why are you bringing it up like it's an issue!? Because they're certainly not making a big deal about it!".

    I'm 1000% clockable as I am right now, but I wasn't a hot commodity in my old life, and I don't expect to be one in my new one, which presents me some personally difficult challenges with dating as a trans person.

    I want to have that power to be able to 'out' myself on my terms, yet there's clearly this balancing act where you're still walking on the same egg shells whether you're clocked or not. At what point does stealth become more of a danger than a safety barrier when out in public places?

  49. I know this is random, but I just wanna let you know that there are right wingers who are decent and recognize that trans people of color are most prone to be assaulted or be the victim of hate crimes. We understand that there’s bigotry and evil in this world and we all should embrace peace and loving natures in this society to bring a better tomorrow.

  50. I know you said “goth club” but I heard “golf club” and I love the idea that you would rock that outfit while golfing

  51. Between you and Contrapoints, not only am I learning so much about trans people and the trans community, you talk about these things in such a way that also make me as a cis woman feel validated.

    I often feel there's a lot of tension between cis women and trans women especially because cis women (epecially gender non conforming cis women) get so much shit from society if they're not conventionally attractive. So in order to gain acceptance they fight against gender roles and stereotypes. Then they start resenting these hyper-feminine trans women who only wish to be validated as the women they are. So they have to work extra hard to pursue this feminine ideal, because in order to feel validated most trans women work to erase or minimise ANY part if themselves that could be perceived as masculine.
    So this can come across as trans women undermining the struggles of cis women. "Hey straight boys! Play with me! Aren't I pretty??"

    On the flip side, it seems there's resentment towards cis women because cis privilege is absolutely a thing. Cis women can get away with not shaving, not wearing make up, wearing men's clothes, cutting their hair short and (almost) always be recognised as women.

    This is just what I've come across on my journey from ex-TERF to trans ally. I'm always trying to learn and understand and I fuck up a lot.

    This is just my long-winded rambly way of saying thank you Kat!

  52. Is your lipstick black or a dark blue? Depending on where you are in the shot, it looks like one or the other.

  53. Please make the video about DL men!! I think your anecdote abt those spaces where DL men go to find trans women and end up chasing transfem spectrum ppl who aren't trans women, is interesting. There is a surprising amount of overlap , that sometimes they even chase into the ftm community as well. I'd love to know your full take on this

  54. Box wine is good because it doesn't oxidize and taste sour the way bottled wine does if you don't finish the bottle in one sitting. I'm team box!

  55. I really appreciate what you do here. As a white cis bi dude, I really don't like making people put in the emotional labour to explain their lived experiences to me. So when someone with different lived experiences is voluntarily putting out content talking about their life, it's something I value.

    Your views are kinda different to what I see in a lot of queer/leftist spaces, but you always seem to acknowledge those differences, and try to explain where they're coming from while you explain where you're coming from.

  56. I though you said you were going to a "Golf club" for a second. I was like, "well, you do have that tartan skirt, and golf was invented in Scotland…" before I realized I misheard.

  57. Trans spaces honestly make me kind of uncomfortable. It's difficult because I want to hang with my people and embrace the community, but I usually end up just feeling anxious and put-off by the attitudes I face. It's hard to put my finger on exactly what it is, but I always feel like I'm walking on egg shells when it should be a place where I'm my most at ease.

  58. im trans and us trans girls are the best at spotting other trans girls AND I COULDNT EVEN TELL YOU WERE ONE UNTIL U SAID IT OMG

  59. Passing has been nothing but a blessing for me. I don't really know what it's like to not pass so this is interesting af. And before anyone gets all angry or triggered, I can't help what I look like. I was born with a certain body type. Thank goodness I'm trans because I spent 29 years as a very unattractive woman

  60. I had zero luck at trans clubs. I was always considered a lesbian or the cis friend supporting her trans friend.

  61. when you are a woman cis or transgender, if you have standards for yourself… men will treat you accordingly. men follow our lead when it comes to what we will tolerate and what we wont tolerate. many cis women end up in unhealthy relationships as well.

  62. Nothing like explaining to some dude I just met that I have a dick but get it out of they way before I waste my damn time. Then there’s the closet cases and chasers who are often bottoms just want dick and creepy as hell

  63. I feel like those 'trans-spaces" you talk about are about fetishizing a certain type of person, it's no wonder that that feels like a big no-no.
    I feel like you could try going to different types of lgbt spaces, where it's not just about being trans but about simply being different and safe. You might find men who are unapologetic about who they love and who have experience easier.

    Tho honestly, it sounds like a shitty situation so I just hope you find something you feel comfortable with, be it by continuing to date or just by focusing on other things in life!

  64. Hmm, do you think spaces that are more bi+ focused (rather than mostly trans or more general) might have more dating possibilities?

  65. That's how I feel as a trans woman. I don't identify as a woman I am a woman I used to feel like trans didn't belong apart of LGBT until I learned it was about equality and not sexuality. And I feel like only my doctor and my intimate partner should know I'm trans. To the rest of the world I'm just a woman. But I get called transphobic for saying things like that. I feel like trans women wouldn't want to go around announcing it like it's a badge or an honor a title. So now being trans feels like a trend and that makes me so sad. And every trans space or trans dating place I went to was filled with creepy men :/. And everyone on OkCupid treats me like a sex worker.

  66. The delusion is strong with this guy. No, he doesn't "pass," and none of them do. Look at those gigantic hands, for one thing. Bone structure doesn't lie. Nobody changes sex. All that money wasted on fake voice lessons and "facial feminization" butchery, and all for nothing.

  67. I’m also a trans woman that “passes”, yet, still don’t have the courage to talk to men who don’t already know I’m trans. I’ve honestly only ever “dated” on Grindr, and while yes, as a “passable” trans woman I do get messages from random guys on Facebook, but I can never bring myself to respond to them. What you said about all guys who are actively looking for a trans woman are discreet is very true. Even while I “pass” I’ve never once been on a real date, never once met a guys family or even friends.

    How do you go about talking to guys without first telling them you’re trans? And how do you tell them you’re trans? I’ve only ever dreamed about putting myself out there on a dating site just under the label “female”, or even responding to guys on Facebook, but I can’t do so without feeling like I’m lying. When you tell them how do you yourself get over rejection after building a mutual relationship with someone? Has anyone ever gotten violent with you after growing to like you and then finding this out about you? That’s always my fear.

    A true tea on how to tell guys you’re trans would be very helpful. Thanks!

  68. You wouldn't consider creating such a space… you know, that is low on both 'cattiness' and low on ''discretion needed'. Almost sound like there is a demand 😀

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