How Do You Handle Teenagers? | Sadhguru

How Do You Handle Teenagers? | Sadhguru

Questioner: How should one deal with teenagers? Sadhguru: I think you’re little too old
to deal with teenagers (Laughter). See (Laughs) every age is a problem (Laughter). No, no I’m talking about the ages – Stone
Age was a problem (Laughter), Iron Age was a problem, Bronze Age is a problem, Computer
Age – serious problem (Laughter). Isn’t it so? Middle Ages was serious problems, Modern Age
is immense problem, Teenage – another problem. I hope you had a normal birth and (Few laugh)… Hmm? You were born normally? So if you were born normally you were born
like this (Gestures) and slowly grew up and somebody counted your age and you also passed
through thirteen, fourteen, fifteen which you are referring to as teen. This is as just a… a certain developmental
stage like an infancy, like childhood, like adult… like adolescence, adulthood, old
age, middle age, whatever – these are all different… we are trying to segment it but
essentially this is a physical journey of a body. Tell me one phase of your life which is not
really a problem. Some are suffering infancy problems, some
are suffering (Laughs) toddler problems, some are suffering childhood problems, some are
suffering teenage problems, some are going through middle age problems, some are going
through old age problems, some have transcended all problems (Laughter). Yes! If you look at it in this context, every phase
of life is a problem – then death is the only solution. If you look at every aspect of life as a problem,
what is the solution? Death is the only solution. Now the moment you identify every phase of
life as a problem, unconsciously you start seeking death – please know this – for yourself
and those around you. You do not know this but you’re creating
an ecosystem in your mind where the solution is to be free from all this. You came here to experience life. Instead of calling this different facets of
life, you’re calling it different problems that you have. If you die you will have funeral problems
(Laughter) because it’s not easy to have a funeral in Mumbai City, no more dignified
funeral, isn’t it? Tch, yes? There is no four people carrying you, your whole family and friends walking behind you
with a drum – no more like that. Bumm, peee, peee, peee stuck in the traffic. Even dead you are stuck in the traffic (Laughter/Applause). I want you to understand this – there are
various types of situations in your life, they’re just situations. Some you know how to handle, some you are
yet to know how to handle. Whatever you do not know how to handle, you
call it a problem. The moment you call something a problem, the
moment you identify a situation it’s a simple situation; because you have not equipped
yourself to handle the situation, you call it a problem. The moment you call it a problem, unpleasantness
is a natural consequence of that. Your children are growing up, it should be
a joyful moment. Yes? They’ve become teenagers means they are
growing rapidly, yes? Or in other words unfortunately they are beginning
to become like you (Laughter). And you’re distressed (Laughter) because
you can see they’re becoming like you, I can understand (Laughter/Applause). “No Sadhguru, that is not the problem, they’re
beginning to become something different. They don’t even look like my children anymore”
(Laughter). We have… We have eulogized, we have unfortunately eulogized
helpless states of life. When you say infancy and childhood, what you’re
talking about is a certain phase of our life when we are pretty helpless. Without outside help we cannot survive or
be anything. So we have eulogized this. Even so-called spiritual teachers are going
about saying, “I am a child.” I don’t want to meet an adult who is a child. It’s another way of saying I’m retarded
(Laughter) (Laughs). If you are stuck for your life in a six-year-old’s
body, you are called dwarfed, isn’t it? I’m using bad words – I know… it’s not
politically correct words – okay you are height-impaired (Laughter), vertical impairment has happened
to you. If you are stuck in the… in a six-year-old’s
mind, you are mentally retarded – no, you are, what? Participants: Differently abled ___ (Inaudible)
Sadhguru: Differently abled you become. These are pretty words all right, we don’t
want to insult people who are in such situations, we appreciate that… but… if you are eulogizing
that state of a helpless phase in our lives, which is childhood where without somebody
else’s support we cannot exist, if you eulozise that, you will remain that way forever and
that’s what has happened. “I cannot live without you” – do not understand
this as some kind of a love affair. It is just like saying “I cannot walk without
a crutch.” “I’m fine the way I am but still I am
willing to include you and involve my life with you,” this is of great value. “I cannot live without you” is not of
any great value (Applause). “I can live without anybody’s attention
but I am willing to throw myself with absolute involvement with whoever is here right now”
– this is of value. Because you are eulogizing helplessness or
helpless phases of our life… when you were a little baby, you can’t even pee by yourself,
somebody has to take you. I’m saying “I’m like a child” means
then I’m looking where are the diapers, please let’s (Laughter) give him one, you
know (Laughs). No. Now what’s happening with the so-called
teenagers is you got used to your child as a helpless creature, now if he’s finding
his own feet, tch, you don’t like it. You want to condense him, you do boo, booboo,
my booboo (Laughter) – what you need is a toy or a doll to play with… or maybe a dog. A couple was struggling not able to make a
decision whether to have children or not. The debate between the husband and wife was
– the husband wants to have children, the wife says it’s not necessary, we can get
a dog instead (Laughter). Because they couldn’t settle it, they went
to a marriage counselor. So they said, “We are not able to make up
our mind whether to have children or to get a dog, what should we do?” So marriage counselor said, “This is very
simple, you want to ruin your carpets or your life – you must decide” (Laughter/Applause)
(Laughs). So you must understand this (Laughs), if your life is a concrete block – when I say a concrete
block – it has clear defined boundaries – “This is what I am,” like just now Anupam was
saying – even a, you know, a little child is saying “This is how I am.” That means I’ve become a concrete block. Because a certain amount of stupid information
has come my way, with this I have formed a definition of what I am. So once I have formed a clear concrete block
kind of definition to who I am, if two concrete blocks meet with great passion, what will
happen (Laughter)? If there is a loose boundary to you, if two
people come with great passion wonderful things of union may happen. Otherwise two concrete blocks clash what happens,
you know – friction (Laughs). Friction and breaking of one of the concrete
blocks or both will happen (Laughs). So once you become like a concrete block,
you should not beget more concrete blocks, because you are incapable of including another
life as a part of yourself, because you have defined the boundaries of who you are so absolutely,
you should not even get married if you ask me because two concrete blocks living together…
all right it may make a house, it’ll not make a home (Laughs). Concrete blocks together will make a house,
isn’t it? Nothing more beautiful than that will happen. We’re already too overbuilt in Mumbai (Laughs)
(Laughter), we don’t have to build more, okay? So children, when they come, when they are
helpless and for everything they look up to you, you think your children are magical because
they are helpless. Suppose the baby popped out of you and stood
up and said, “Hey, who the hell are you” (Laughter)? You won’t like this baby (Laughter). But he takes fourteen, fifteen years to ask
that question (Laughter/Applause). In fact that is all a teenager is asking,
“Okay, who the hell are you” (Laughter)? So if you want to be somebody to that fresh life which has come you must not have defined
boundaries of who you are. Like when the child was infant, when it crawled
you crawled with him. Now your teenager wants to swing, you must
be able to swing with him. No you still want to crawl with him
(Laughter), he is not interested (Laughs). He is beginning to ask… Parents are looking ridiculous in the eyes
of adolescence. Yes or no? Didn’t your parents look ridiculous in your
eyes, unless you were old by the time you were twelve (Laughter). If you were young and energetic, your parents
looked ridiculous because they think still you need to be crawled around and chochoo,
momomoo, puppupooo to you (Laughs) (Laughter). Everyday life is changing within you because
you’re growing rapidly and the fools around you not able to grasp that, whoever they
are. Usually grandparents become little more endearing
than parents because they have little faraway look Z you know (Laughs), little faraway look
because teenage means you are slowly getting poisoned by your hormones, old age means you
are being released from that (Laughter), so they kind of understand (Laughter/Applause). So those of you, who’re in middle age have
no clue where the hell you are (Laughter). Even historically the middle-agers represent
a confused state of mind (Laughs) (Laughter). So don’t deal with your teenagers. Please make them… make yourself available to be dealt by them,
make them responsible for everything (Applause). One month – I’m… I’m telling you – one month you have the
courage to hand over your monthly income to them and say manage the house – just give
them responsibility – you will see dramatically it will change, you know. Because… you must understand I am… I have been a telephonic father, okay (Laughs)? From the age of three-and-a-half months, my
girl travelled with me, alone in the car. We built the Isha Foundation in a Maruti 800
travelling thousands of miles. In one calendar year or actually in fourteen
months I did hundred-and-thirty-five-thousand kilometers on my Maruti, okay (Laughs)? So she was three-and-a-half months old, one
hand on her in the front seat strapped and my right leg doesn’t go easy, you know,
boom. So she grew up in the car till she was four
years of age. I thought I’ll never send her to school
because we had bonded and she’s… she had such wisdom (Laughs) because she’s seen
the road, she’s seen the people, she’s been in all kinds of families. I thought I shouldn’t mess this up by sending
her to a school (Laughter) but, you know, that age group, that company, unless you have
a whole cricket team of children at home just one child doesn’t work, just keeping them
alone because they may become too old when they are young. So I put her to school after that. After that she is always continuously in one
hostel to another and… but we kept a very active engagement, thanks to the ss… cell
phones. Earlier it was the black phone, I would stop somewhere on the highway because I know only
at a particular time you can call her in the school. The school opens that “phone time” only
one hour, so I am somewhere on a highway, find that black phone and get on and for that
one hour I’m on the phone with her. That side for her all the children outside
are screaming at her, here at the booth all the people are banging on the booth (Laughter). I always had this thing at that time, I’m
driving on the highway I have many, many phone calls to make local, international, all kind. First I would get down and go to that phone
booth guy and give him one five thousand rupees. He’ll be surprised, I said, “Just… just
hold it.” Deposit (Laughter). And I get into the phone booth and now I am
a valued customer (Laughter/Applause). The other people come and they want to make
the call within three minutes and they are all standing in a queue and making faces at
me in ges… gesticulating. But the… that guy says, “No, don’t disturb
him” (Laughter/Applause) (Laughs) because straight 5000 rupees, I’m making International
calls, all calls because there were no cell phones at that time. So I find this time and speak and after that
she went to college and then everything whatever she’s been pursuing, always on phone and
we’ve kept a very active engagement and we’ve never really stayed home. If she comes for vacation next day we’ll
be travelling somewhere – somewhere, somewhere, somewhere, but never really at home but a
very active relationship I kept with her largely on the phone (Laughs). Thanks to all the telephone waves that are
going on. So it was such an active engagement. Why I am saying this is… and whenever – I
saw there’s a certain intelligence in every child I’m not trying to project this is
a special child – no, she’s just normal, brought up in a special way for sure (Laughs). So the thing is just this if she comes home
or if she is with me I leave all my important decisions in her hands. She… She is only five, six, people’s problems,
Foundation issues, administration – I just I just put it to her. She comes up with her own whacky solutions. But five out of ten times she would come out
with something brilliant. This is not… I want you to understand I’m not projecting
this is a special child, it is just that most people never give that opportunity to a child’s
intelligence because they want to do bubububoo, dududoo with the child (Laughter). I never bought toys for her I… if she wanted
to play I took her out for a walk in the jungle, I put her up on a tree. She learned to climb trees and do things and
stuff. Never bought her toys, ever. Here and there somebody gifted but she never
was interested in them because there were more exciting things. I caught snakes for her, I caught garden lizards
for her (Laughter) I… more exciting things, live things to play with (Laughs). You… If you want to really do something with your
children, you must allow them to expand because that’s all they’re trying to do. Their body is not the only thing that’s
growing, the potential of being human being is growing, you must allow them to expand. Instead of that you are seeing how to constrict
them. Then you will have a huge problem. Whether… If you have boys, you will have one kind of
problem, if you have girls you will have another kind of problem. If you try to restrict… You think restriction is a good way of controlling
life – no! Responsibility will put them on the track. Hand over your money to them and tell them
this month you… you’re on vacation, you handle this, whichever way. You… You’re afraid “Maybe he’ll go and blow
it up, what’ll happen tomorrow?” If he blows it up what happens to you, will
happen to him also, let him go through it for a month (Laughter). Of course you can keep some reserve but let
him understand if he blows it up tomorrow morning, there’ll be no breakfast and let
him go through that, what’s the problem, let him understand that’s the way it is. It’s better to learn in a protected, caring
atmosphere than out on the street tomorrow morning istn’t it? And above all, above all- drop this damn thing
that your child belongs to you. If you think this child belongs to you, when
he is just becoming… coming into teens, he is telling you, “Goddammit I don’t
belong to you” (Laughter). That’s all he is trying to tell you which
you are not able to digest. Another life does not belong to you. If another life has chosen to be with you,
please cherish that, it’s a tremendous thing (Applause). Whether it’s your husband or your wife or
your children – they don’t belong to you. You don’t own them in any sense. If you don’t get it, you will understand
when you die or they die. They don’t belong to you. Another life has chosen to come through you
or be with you – cherish that, value that – don’t think you are the owner of this
life. You are not! So if you believe that you are the owner of
your life – a teenager is beginning to make his own statements, “Well, you don’t goddamn
own me.” He’s just telling you that, that’s all,
in his own language. Yes or no? Participants: Yes. Sadhguru: They’re just telling you – you
don’t own me. But do they do… as a another human
being you think they don’t want be included? They definitely want to be included. So teenage means – there’re many things,
because – one thing is your intelligence is being hijacked by your hormones, so certain
things are happening. Suddenly the world doesn’t look the same. Some scrawny little girl in your neighborhood,
who you were… had nothing to do with, suddenly there’re little bumps on her body and your
chemistry is poisoned. You look at her, suddenly it’s a new world. The whole world is looking different. What was just people has suddenly becoming
male and female. It’s not a small change, you know, what
were just people are suddenly becoming something else and something else. Suddenly you are interested in only half the
humanity, tch (Laughter). It’s a huge change. You will see boys don’t even look at their
mothers directly because they still can’t take their eyes off the body parts. You must understand this, that it is new and
he is like trying to come to terms with it. If you were a good friend if they had problems, if they had struggles they would talk to you. Because most parents are lousy friends, they
make other friends and those friends give their own whacky advice because they are also
in the same state (Laughter). It is best, if your child has a problem they
come to you, isn’t it? Yes? But they will not come to you if you are a
boss, they will not come to you if you have ownership over that life, they will not come
to you if you are that horrible father or mother. They will come to you if you are a good friend
because when they have problems it is natural for them to seek a friend. So make sure from an early age that you are
their best friend – till they reach eighteen, twenty, you are their best friend, make it
that way. And this you have to earn, this will not drop
because you delivered them. Because you delivered them you get the title
of mother and father, you will not get the title of a friend. This has to be earned on everyday responsible
behavior from you (Applause). I don’t want to go too hard on you, we’ll
leave you here (Laughs) (Laughter).

52 thoughts on “How Do You Handle Teenagers? | Sadhguru

  1. Jai Sadbguru Ji . I really liked your speech.Your Sense of Humor is so good and I could listen to you all time of my day .

  2. Only if everybody could listen to you Sadguru and get thrown back into the reality and be human again but noooooo…. they are having much more fun watching "Jerry Springer" and love being in and creating their own dramatic, filthy, and low life world. Please bless them Sadguru 🤣🤣😂😂

  3. Very important lesson for very special phase of life to learn , how to make lives and shape them like a pot maker.

  4. I have seen so many of Sadhguru's video but this one is special. The way he is assertive and yet so subtle with so much wisdom.

  5. I've really become such a fan of him. With my son, raising him was a give and take. Sometimes he led me, but most of the time I led him. I let him know I was the parent, but I was always going to be there for him.

  6. I can listen to him for hours together and still pay at most attention. Never happened before ever simply subtle.

  7. Sadguru i fail to understand y r u only on youtube . I think your knowledge should spread out on big way so that it reaches out to all the people . Y should all the wrong things be advertised every where and the good things be so limited to just one way of learning

  8. My mom taught me responsibility just like this.. This is amazing… My mom is gone now😔. And I as a mom have been bossy.. Thank you for teaching me this🙂.. Great wisdom😃

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