Awkward Exes: Britain & America 1976 – Allies With Benefits (by We Are Thomasse)

Awkward Exes: Britain & America 1976 – Allies With Benefits (by We Are Thomasse)


Oh Britain! Oh America! Happy birthday States! I can’t wait for you to unwrap my package! Oh, Kingdom: I’m so glad we’re back to being allies with benefits. We have a very special relationship. But you’re sure Europe is ok with this, right? Who cares? I’m tired of the EEC telling me what to do. Look, you know I’m all about free trade. But you are in a Union with Europe now. I don’t want to mess anything up. It’s complicated, ok? It’s open. I mean- she’s seeing other countries. It’s more like a Union of convenience. Look, I can’t stand Europe being so controlling: she keeps making all these rules. [sarcastically] Yeah, that must be really annoying. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to stay with her… I’ve half a mind to leave. God, I miss you America. Here we go again- You were the first country I ever wanted to settle down with- you’re my first love. Yeah. I get it, man. But I love freedom. And independence! And, you know, it’s the Fourth of July, my special day. I just wanted some fireworks and banging, ya dig? For sure. Yeah. And that sounds groovy baby. But I just want you for myself again. I know you had to spend that time sowing your wild oats but… come on America, you’re 200 years old… surely you want to settle down now? No. And no offense but leaving you is the best thing I ever did. I’ve spent the past century on top of the world! And I fell apart. When we broke up, I was literally all over the place. The Middle East, India… I pretty much screwed the entire world. My analyst says I was on the rebound. Look, I’ve always been there to support you. But where were you when I needed help? You never answered the phone when I was in Vietnam. I didn’t think you cared. You always seemed to be more into Communism than me. Aaargh! Why do you have to mess everything up by being so needy? Emotionally or financially? Both! I told you I’d pay you back for World War 2. It’s just that there was the oil crisis and the three-day work week, and one of the Irish twins, Northern, has been having a lot of troubles. It’s just things are really tight right now. Do you think you’re the only one with problems? My last President was particularly tricky. You know I think we should just have a woman President. Are All The Presidents Men? So far. But it’s not like you’re going to have a female Prime Minister any time soon. You’d be surprised! I am a lot more progressive than you think, America. Oh yeah, the Monarchy is sooo progressive. You’re just jealous because there’s never going to be an American Princess. Well, I bet we’ll have a black President before you have a black member of the Royal Family. Enough! Just stop fighting. I will always love you America, but if you’re not serious about me… …I guess I really am just with Europe now. Oh please! You can’t stand not being in control. You two will never last. Excuse me!? You know- I am never going to leave Europe! OK? You hear me? Good luck with that. Whatever! I am flying home on Concorde! Oh, is that the Concord where I kicked your ass? Stop living in the past, America! OK! Let’s talk about the future! Like at Canada’s big Olympic shindig later this month where I’m going to kick your ass! Again! You know what I have to say to that? [on phone]: ‘allo? Hey France. Want to swing over to my pad for some… birthday diplomacy? Oui, mademoiselle! [America giggles]

12 thoughts on “Awkward Exes: Britain & America 1976 – Allies With Benefits (by We Are Thomasse)

  1. OMG – why are you not viral with a million subscribers and views?! I'm doing something about that right now. Keep doing what you do!

  2. "we will have a Black President before you have a black member of the royal family" lol you beat us by about 10 years on that one USA but we are on our 2nd female prime minister now

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